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Does he really want me back or not?


bellanicola003

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Hi! This is my situation. My fiance and had broken up in the fall due to issues that we allowed to bother our relationship (his controlling mother, my controlling mother, my depression, my taking him for granted, his ignorance when he was hurt, etc). We did not talk for about a month and a half and when I saw him out one night (we also work together), he wanted to talk to me. He told me how much he missed me and how I am his best friend. From that day on we have been talking. Obviously, I had changed throughout our relationship because I took on a promotion that I shouldn't have - although I had his blessing, and it stressed me out beyond belief to the point that I started having anxiety attacks and became depressed - so I was put on med's for it. I just wasn't the person that I was before - I was very mean and miserable and he couldn't take it anymore. Obviously, his leaving me has made me very insecure. Throughout the holidays, we had a nice conversation about how we were going to be a couple again and how much we loved one another. I have text messages about how great I am, how much he loves me (with all his heart), and that he misses me. He told me that he could see how much I was trying to make this work and that he needed to do the same and would start - this conversation was on New Years Eve. Well, on New Years day he caught a very bad flu and has now been sick for over 2 weeks (he even had to go to the er he was so sick). He has kept in contact me with me every single day and we see eachother at work where he emails me to see how I'm doing and how my day is going.

I feel though that I need so much more. I get upset when he doesn't call me right when he wakes up as he used to. I get hurt when it's been all day and even though he's been busy, he doesn't take the time to just text me or give me a ring to say hello. Yesterday he had something to do - work related, until about 9:30 and said that he still wasn't feeling well and for me to just pry go out with my friends and do something, because he did not want to stay over and it would be silly for him to come over for just a few hours and then go home.

My problem simply though is this...am I asking for too much or is he not giving enough to make me happy? Its very weird to go back to dating and living apart when we did this already and then lived together for almost two years and were engaged. I just want him to be here all the time and with his responsibilities for work, he can't. He's too tired to come over late at night for 2 hours then turn around and drive home late to only wake up again early to go to work. He has told me to just calm down, that he loves me and wants me. That he wants us. He says that he wants to marry me and have a beautiful life together, but I feel like I need to hear that everyday because of how low I feel.

So wha I'm asking you all is this...is this me wanting too much or him not giving me all the attention that I want.

 

For example, last night, he texted me after his basketball game (he coaches) and said that both teams won. I texted back "good!", but I didn't say anything more. Typically, I would say, "well what are you doing now?" or pick a fight saying "I don't understand why you don't want to come over and stay over here, normally when you were sick you would want to be with me, this is so stupid!!!". But I didn't do that. I was at one of my gf's house and texted him on the way home asking if he was still up...he wrote back nope. I thought he was joking and asked what he was doing and he didn't respond. When I got home, I texted him saying that I thought he was joking and was sorry if I woke him. To have a good night sleep! Now it's almost evening the next day and I still haven't heard back from him. He hasn't tried calling or texting me. I tried to call him and there was no answer. I also texted him asking him how his day was going and he didn't respond. This really bothers me that I was not the first thing on his mind when he woke up and that it's been so long since he's contacted me. I talked to my aunt who told me that her bf does the same thing, but that that's him and this stuff doesn't bother her - that I am pry driving my bf crazy!!! It's just that I can't help but remember when we first started dating and didn't live together (like how we are now) and he didn't contact me so long after being up.

 

So I ask you...should I just walk away or is this problem all me?

 

I'm thinking it's me but I need clarification from others. I just can't help comparing what's going on now, to what it was before (him always wanting to talk to me). I'm thinking though, that if he didn't want me, he would just end it right? I mean, he's done this before. He just tells me that I think way too much and let my mind wonder and think of crazy things.

 

HELP!

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I think you're being a little too needy here. He's said he wants you to be together already and it looks as though you are having regular contact which is good - but you cant seriously expect someone to call you everyday as soon as they wake up or to be doing nothing but thinking of you 24/7. You're asking too much. Is this part of the reason you 2 split in the first place??

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Hey Bella,

 

What you are feeling is very natural and I am going through the exact same thing. I know very much the wanting to return to the way things were, but unfortunately it does work this way. Getting back together isnt a fast process and it is not just jumping back into what you were before you broke up. It is a slow and a dad to day process. It is basically starting over again and you need to be patient and trust what he is telling you. Mine is doing the exact same thing and I sometimes get this anxiety about when I will hear from him, but my patience is paying off because each day we become closer. So be patient and trust what he tells you and dont expect so much.

 

I hope this helps.

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"I get hurt when it's been all day and even though he's been busy, he doesn't take the time to just text me or give me a ring to say hello."

 

Wow, can I relate to that! You, like me, are a thoughtful woman. It seems so effortless to just shoot off a quick message saying "Thinking of you," or make a two-minute phone call sometime BEFORE 10pm. Why don't they get it?

 

I know how you are feeling. These kinds of things, when repeated enough and after you have said you feel neglected, can really make you feel like an insecure wreck! I told my ex once, "Can't you give me a ring sometime earlier in the day? Not just before you're going to bed? I feel like an afterthought. Something you think of only when you've already thought of everything else."

 

If you're doing your part too---contacting him when you want to---and he's not reciprocating, it's obviously going to make you question his feelings. ESPECIALLY since he broke up with you before. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you give it another try: the trust you had is sliced in half. How are you supposed to trust that he won't walk out of your life again?

 

So, the question is, can you deal with him? This is who he is. He's never going to be a superattentive, doting boyfriend again. He's not going to call you when he wakes up, he's not going to send cutesy text messages throughout the day or call you as often as you'd like. There ARE guys out there that will do those things. It's all about finding someone we're compatible with. This is up to you...can you accept that he's not on the same page as you here, or can you not? Be choosy, and make your decision! Good Luck.

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