I Think I'm Fundamentally Confused

[rothman]

I am pretty lonely now. I don't have any close, close friends, and no girlfriend. My last one broke up with me for another person who she can't even date because he's too far away, but apparently she "loves" him more.

 

Now here's the real kicker: What is love? Growing up, my father was extremely difficult to live with. In fact, I like it better when he's not home because it's more relaxed, granted he is the bread winner and needs to be around. Any conversation we ever have with him, he always ends it with "I love you." It's like clockwork, and redundant. But also, growing up, he would get into these extreme rages and emotions, where he would scream, yell, swear, and even take it out on us when we were little (we being my brother and I). There is no real way to explain the rages in a way that you can understand, but they made me not want to live in the house anymore and live on the streets or something else. In the end he always saw himself for what he did wrong, and excused himself by saying "I love you and I'm sorry."

 

Honestly, growing up I didn't want to become close to anyone and bring them home to see my father act out the way he did. He had no boundaries and seemed to only care for himself. He would also talk about how amazing life would be if he were to have won the lottery, and how he would buy anything and everything for us if he could.

 

I finally, in my high school and college years, wouldn't tolerate his acting out, and anytime he did so I would regain the atmosphere by flipping out myself and literally scaring him. He doesn't flip out anymore to the extent he used to, mainly because he's scared by my reaction.

 

My mother is perfect.

 

I find myself in my life trying not to end up as emotional as my father was growing up. I want to make money and be satisfied with my job, and I don't think my father is satisfied with anything he does. I don't think he really "loves" anything and constantly berates himself for what he can't do. So my question is, "What exactly am I missing?" Is it because of my past experiences that I can't really appreciate anyone for who they really are, but only focus on what they can do? I can successfully say that I'm brilliant and hard working, and that my continuing work will build me to be someone. I know that doesn't make me better than someone who has found love in their life, and I know that's what I am missing. I guess this is more of a journal entry more than anything, but honestly this is somewhat of how I view the world. What can I do to fix this?

[sweetharmony]

hey there, I can relate to having a very "crazy" father. I often felt unloved, though he never would even say it. It's very hard to separate the past from the present, because it is what shapes who we are. My father, too, I think doesn't real love anyone and can relate to him having "no boundaries" and I was afraid to bring friends or boyfriends home because of him berating my mother. so I understand to a degree what it's like, but I cannot truly compare.

 

For me, I too see some of my father in me. I have trouble knowing what "love" really is, because I never had a good example and this often permeates my relationships with men.

 

What I can say is that yes, unfortinately your past has made an impact in your present in a tremendous way, though you do have the ability to learn to appreciate people for who they are. Know that your past is not destiny and try to appreciate all the good things you have in your life right now. Yes, your relationship with your father may be strained a bit, but that doesn't mean you are unloveable or cannot have friends. Try focusing on making some new friends so that when you do find a girlfriend, you won't feel so lonely.

 

Open your heart a bit with others, for when you truly let them in, even though it's scary and sometimes painful, it is necessary for bonding. yes, opening our hearts can sometimes lead to vulnerability, but it is necessary to break down the walls in order to give and receive love.

 

however, still guard your heart a bit...but when you begin to make connection, let the other person see who you really are. it's hard to open when you have been walled up for so long, but it is important in developing and maintaining close relationships.

 

a little emotion, the good kind...is positive. I can see that you want to be so unlike your father as to avoid any emotion...this often happens when we experience emotion in the negative sense. but if you can see your emotions as something positive and as having boundaries, like "caring, getting close" then only positive things can happen for you.

 

I'm not sure if I answered your question, but in any case, I wish you well. and just responding to your "journal"

[talo]

I find myself in my life trying not to end up as emotional as my father was growing up. I want to make money and be satisfied with my job, and I don't think my father is satisfied with anything he does. I don't think he really "loves" anything and constantly berates himself for what he can't do.

 

Your father was/is emotional because he is trying to be something, rather than simply being feeling, loving. Emotion is result of this attempt. One does not try to be what one is, which is feeling. You say your mother is perfect; I presume this means that she is perfectly loving or feeling in her ways and is not overly thinking.

 

So my question is, "What exactly am I missing?" Is it because of my past experiences that I can't really appreciate anyone for who they really are, but only focus on what they can do?

 

What you are missing is that you are trying to be too exact, too analytical. Trying to pinpoint what "it" is - the some thing, that is missing. What is missing is feeling, which is not any thing. What people really are is not what they do - which is making some thing of themself - but rather what they really are, which is no thing.

 

I can successfully say that I'm brilliant and hard working, and that my continuing work will build me to be someone. I know that doesn't make me better than someone who has found love in their life, and I know that's what I am missing. I guess this is more of a journal entry more than anything, but honestly this is somewhat of how I view the world. What can I do to fix this?

 

The confusion is between thinking and feeling; the notion/thought/belief that you are, or can be, someone, some thing, whereas you can never really be this; you are looking for yourself in thought, and you will not find yourself there; one finds oneself only in feeling.

 

People do not find love in their life as if by accident; a person who really has love in their life is simply loving, feeling, not having notions (thoughts/beliefs) of who or what is loving or feeling; not splitting oneself away from being, loving, feeling, is the very fix.

 

With feeling,