Mom's on hospital and I am dying inside

[only_me_1974]

Mom has cancer, she is in the later stages. She is in the hospital with water in the lungs, an enlarged heart, blood clots forming around the heart, she is on oxygen and I am about to lose it.

I have been doing well keeping up the appearance of all is ok and I am dealing. Well, I am NOT. I can't help it. I SI'd. I am not on my meds because I don't have a T. I don't have a T because I don't have the guts to call and get an appt.

I don't know what to do. If my mom dies, I will be lost. I love her so much. I can't take all of this. I want to SI again and am really trying NOT to. It is 3am and I can't sleep at all. I have tried everything. I can't help but think that if I just SI I will be able to sleep ok.

[Angel_baby]

You are going through a very stressful time and you really should make an appt with a therapist as soon as possible. Cutting may seem like the only way to deal with the pain at this moment but it really isn't. It only helps for a bit and then your emotions are right back to where they were to begin with.

I used to cut and know how hard it can get to fight the urges.

 

Instead you should get online (like you are now) and vent on here, search the web for interesting stuff that you like also. My best form to distract myself from the emotional pain is to play computer or video games.

 

I am here to talk to you until you feel tired enough to go to bed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Check at the hospital Palliative Care Department or Oncology Department. They often have psychosocial support to help family members through this difficult time. Explain how you are feeling and they will likely hook you up with a psychologist or psychiatrist to talk to. They might also have some group sessions with other caregivers/family members who are also dealing with cancer and bereavement. There is help out there. Talk to someone at the hospital.

[KG]

I agree^^^^ contact the hospital. They have special people there, who WANT to help you. They did me a world of good when she was in the hospital, they know what you are going through. Please don't cut, you need to be strong, not give in. PM me anytime!

KG

[girl friend]

I'm so sorry about your mum,

Is this the first you SI'ed?

 

I understand that it feels like it works. It does let some of the pain out and help us 2 deal with it. But it only makes things worse in the longrun as any of the old-timers will tell u. You will have to cope with what is happening without SI one day, and the longer you let the cycle go on, the harder it always is to break.

 

You're doing the right thing writing about it when u want to do it.

I agree with the above posts, try to get counselling or help at the hospital. It is going to be a nearly impossible time for the next few months at least, you need to be prepared for that. Take some time off if possible. Spend time with your mum. Look after yourself well. Talk this stuff through. Are you normally on meds btw?

 

What did the new day bring? How do you feel?

 

Keep strong.

''You are not alone, don't pretend to be.''

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

Thanks everyone. I am not going to lie, today is just as bad as last night. I got to sleep around 4am and got up about 8:30 cuz someone rang the phone and there was no one on the other end.

I did not SI, but the urge to burn is still so much there.

I think I will try to talk to someone at the hospital. For me and my sisters because none of us are handling this well. At least I can pretend to be ok for them.

I am 33 and have been SI'ing since I was about 8. Up until 3 days ago I hadn't SI'd in about 9 months. Then 3 days ago it just...happened. I am trying not to do it again. I want to NOT do it.

I have tried distractions such as games, calling friends just to chat, but the urge gets to be too much. I guess that was why I came here. I just want to try to talk it out this time. I want to be able to get thru this without doing it.

Thanks for listening.

[girl friend]

Hey there, thats great. Waiting it out is a brilliant technique you know, especially when the SI has been a long-term habit.

 

9 months SI free - thats damned incredible girl! Seriously well played! How did you stop last time.

 

You can't be strong for everyone else, you've got to take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel down about this stuff too.

 

Its not your fault. Any of this stuff.

 

You said you have been SI'ing since you were about 8 - do you mind if i ask you about that? Since 8? Why? What happened? Did you stop? Does it come back in times of stress?

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

Hey there, thats great. Waiting it out is a brilliant technique you know, especially when the SI has been a long-term habit.

 

9 months SI free - thats damned incredible girl! Seriously well played! How did you stop last time.

 

You can't be strong for everyone else, you've got to take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel down about this stuff too.

 

Its not your fault. Any of this stuff.

 

You said you have been SI'ing since you were about 8 - do you mind if i ask you about that? Since 8? Why? What happened? Did you stop? Does it come back in times of stress?

 

girl friend

 

Thanks. The last time I quit I was happy, life was good, I am in love. It helps when things are good, ya know?!

 

I am trying to care for myself, but that is not something I am good at. It is and always has been "don't worry about self, take care of everyone else".

 

I know it isn't my fault, but I think it is the whole not feeling in control thing. I can't control my mom's illness, I can't stop it, I can't make her feel better, I can't stop thinking about her, I can't stop other family members from out of state calling, I can't.....do anything. Only thing I CAN control is what I do to myself. The release is such a great feeling.

 

I have been SI'ing since that age due to emotional, physical and sexual abuse. My step-mother was really mean and liked to beat me. She didn't like me at all. Her father sexually molested me from the age of 8. I was a very very mean and bad kid. I mean, I would hit people for looking at me the wrong way. I learned to internalize it, somehow. I don't remember who taught me or how I learned to SI. It always comes back when I am stressed out. I think the longest I didn't SI was the last time for 9 months. I want to be able to do that again, but I am afraid I will fail.

 

Thanks for listening to this bumbling person!

[girl friend]

Wow, thanks for sharing all that with us.

I've noticed a huge link between SI and early sexual abuse. I'm not entirely sure why it happens, but it seems to be something to do with a cycle of abuse being learned early on. The child learns that this is how it works, and later on when the abuse stops they don't know how to cope, they have learned bad stuff about themselves, non-true beliefs such as they are bad and deserve punishment.

 

The abuse was wrong, and horrific, you know that right? If you were a bad kid at all it was because of the abuse, you didn't deserve that stuff to happen to you, no-one ever could.

 

Its impossible to go through life without caring about yourself. If you constantly put yourself last, you will find as you have done, that you can't keep it up. And this is where SI comes in. Its a distortion of truth to put everyone else first and put your own emotions aside. People do get sad, angry, depressed, and to ignore those feelings means they build up and have to find a way out after a while. Then when the body is in a state of hyper-stress or disassociation, you instinctively know that a jab of pain will work. The first time SI-ing can just happen without you really knowing it until its over, then a cycle has been born.

 

How about seeing a therapist to work it through?

Just take things one day at a time, count the days you've managed to remain SI free. And go easy on yourself. Don't ''beat yourself up'' so to speak if you do slip-up. The slip-ups happen to the best of us, they are not important. What is important is how you pick yourself up and move on from this.

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

Thanks Girl Friend,

I know in my heart it's not my fault, but there will always be a part of me that can't help but feel like if I kicked him, said no, told someone sooner, etc then I couldn't blame myself. So, there is still a part that blames ME. I also can't help but think it wasn't me it was happening too, then it would have been my half-sister or half-bro that would get it and I couldn't live with that.

 

I know you are right about holding everything in and then SI'ing because things get overwhelming. I also know that I have "others" inside that get angry and frustrated so they do it to me. IDK if you know anything about DID, but I have it and so sometimes I don't know the SI happened until later that day or even the next day. For 9 months things were good for everyone and so no one needed to do it, I guess.

 

I know I need to see a T and I WANT to see a T, but my thing is that I can't get up the guts to call. My BF is going to help me on Monday to call some places. He is going to try to get me an appt because I know that I can't do it for myself. Wish me luck on finding a good one!

 

Thanks for caring!

[girl friend]

Hey,

 

It wasn't your fault. No ''buts'. Regrets that it happened at all but you can't be blamed for any part of it. It was the abuser's fault and his doing entirely. He saw you were vulnerable, he knew he was trusted in the situation or that he could get away with it,, and he knew what he was doing was wrong. A child can never be to blame for abuse.

 

I know what DID is but i don't know much about it. A friend of mine told me she had it last year actually, that was the first i really knew about it. I knew she had depression (i don't know if its usual for the 2 to go hand in hand) and i knew she had problems but i didn't know that. She said it was ''usually'' under control by meds and she was a really cool girl and i had been close to her the previous year and had had no idea at all, but i was glad she had told me cuz it showed she trusted me. I also know that DID almost always follows horrific abuse, often sexual, often childhood abuse. The mind can't deal with it. But you obviously will have more of an insight than me, if you want to tell me about it??

 

You mut have seen a T once though, to know you have DID right?

 

The 'other.' What are they angry about? Why are the angry at you? What do you blame yourself for?

 

Is DID cure-able btw? How does you're bf know when its ''you'' or not? Is it very frightening? It sounds it.

 

Have you tried keeping a diary? A bit of a boring technique suggestion some may say, but it can let the feelings out and once you have ranted about them to someone or something it is often big relief. Also you can then look back at the entries and understand your feelings and how far you've come. Structure like that often really helps when stopping SI.

 

Keep me posted! Good luck. T's are not that scary you know! - Im in training to be one actually! We're all a lovely bunch, lol!

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

Girl friend, I understand no "buts" and I am trying. It is a very confusing thing for me.

 

I was in T with a wonderful person for about 8 months. It took a LONG time to see her. I was emailing her for about 2 months before I actually got up the guts to meet her in person. It took that long for her to gain my trust! I had to leave her when I moved states so I could help care for my mother. I was on meds, was going to T on regular basis, even had supportive friends. Now, things are very different.

 

Umm, with my DID, I tend to maintain much control. There are times where a "fog" sort of comes over me and its as though I am viewing things thru my eyes, but I can't control the motions. Sort of as though I am a marionette and another has control. If that makes much sense. When I was on Ambien I would lose all control of everything and others would come forward. For example, I have a little inside and when I took the Ambien, she would come out and play or talk to my BF and I would have no recollection of this at all.

Lets see, the other is a little (7 years old) that is really upset because "I" (the host) is not able to cure our mother. She is upset because "I" am "not doing enough" to help mother, even though I am over at mom's house all the time cleaning, cooking, massaging her arm, etc. She doesn't understand that cancer is not something that I can control or cure. So, she took it out on me days ago and burned. That is what usually happens. I was so tired from everything and I ended up in a "fog" and found myself "splitting" (a term used when another takes over for a bit).

 

I have never heard of it being curable, so I don't know. My BF can tell who is out by the mannerisms and they way I talk, so he says. It is frightening for me when I come out of it and can't remember conversations or actions "I" have done.

I have tried keeping a diary, but I get so bored with it. Plus, I found it harmful at times when I would go back and read thru it. It would trigger me sometimes. Even when I would tell myself NOT to go back and read...it's tempting!

 

I know T's aren't all bad, I don't mean that. I just mean that the fear of picking up the phone and sounding like an idiot because I don't know what to say or ask is very hard for me. I don't like feeling judged, even if it is by someone on the phone.

I think you are a very nice person and very helpful! Good luck on your training, I think you are going to be just great!

[girl friend]

Wow, that is such a lot to deal with. How long have you had DID? I hope you can find another really nice T like her, she sounds like someone i would have liked.

 

The 7 year old is v interesting, but its awful that she harms u. I am so inexperienced in this area, so theres no real advice or anything that useful i can think of to say, though i wish i could. They must be a part of you though, even if you don't remember their times, and surely that means you could ''blur the barrier'' between the separate people until they go away again? Could something like hypnosis or psychoanalysis help you to 'remember' the other's time, and to resolve their feelings. Could you re-live'' the past under careful psychoanalytic therapy perhaps to resolve it? I suppose the present won't help atm. You must be very strong though.

 

How did the phone call go?

Hows your mum?

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

Hey Girl Friend - I have known I've had DID for many years, but was only diagnosed about a year and a half ago. I hope to find another T like her, too! Yes, you would have liked her!

 

It's ok, not alot of ppl are versed in DID. It is not something a lot of ppl even believe in. That's ok, cuz we with DID know the truth. I hope you have the chance to read up on it, if not learn about in training. I am going to look into hypnosis because there are a lot of ppl who have had it done and tell me that it has worked for them.

My mom is out of the hospital and back home. She is on oxygen, but seems to be in better spirits and is eating....a HUGE deal. Thank you for asking.

 

My boyfriend has called psychiatrists for me so I can get some meds, but no one is taking new patients, so I am going to try to get a physician appointment to see about getting on something to help me for now.

[girl friend]

I'm glad about your mum then thats good.

 

Good luck about the therapy, i know a lot of the people i train with believe in DID, i certainly do. WEll done for looking for help, thats strong.

 

How are you doing today?

 

girl friend

[only_me_1974]

I am doing really well today. I think things are on the way up! Thanks for the support, it is greatly appreciated.

[girl friend]

No problem. You're doing great.

 

Whats been going on these past few days anyhow?