Today is the day...... can I help her?

[catwalk]

Today my bf and I are going to talk to his sister & try to get her out of her abusive relationship.

 

I don't think we will have much luck, even though there are like 6 people waiting for the call to come over to move out all her stuff and be rid of him forever.

 

He's brainwashed her, and she defends his horrible actions. He doesn't 'hit' her but they have sex every night..... if she says no, it doesn't really matter to him.

 

My bf thinks that sitting down with her and talking it out logically will get her to clue in and leave him...... I don't think it will work, but I don't know what WILL work so I don't have a better idea.

 

Any tips? Anyone here with an emotionally abusive ex that secluded you from all your friends and family? How did YOU get out? Were you saved or did you save yourself?

[enchiladaman]

I've always wondered this same thing. Wondered if there is a way to help someone in an abusive relationship see things more clearly. It seems like particularly women stay in these relationships for no reason to outsiders and that the outsiders never understand. Her only reason is "because they are in love" LOL interesting concept of love to me.

[HappyAsALark]

Well he almost killed me and that is what finally made me realize. A lot of time what you are doing is not going to work. Just from personal experience and now working with abuse victims. They have to come to the very end of their breaking point to make them leave their abuser. It is sad, but they feel like that need that person because that is what an abuser does. They alienate their victim. I commend you on your efforts though.

[enchiladaman]

Well he almost killed me and that is what finally made me realize. A lot of time what you are doing is not going to work. Just from personal experience and now working with abuse victims. They have to come to the very end of their breaking point to make them leave their abuser. It is sad, but they feel like that need that person because that is what an abuser does. They alienate their victim. I commend you on your efforts though.

 

The way you describe these relationships sounds eerily like the relationship between a drug addict and their substance. Almost like they are addicted to the abuse and need to hit a low before they start seeing just how abusive it all really is. And even then it is hard to turn away.

[catwalk]

I was in an abusive relationship and have the scars to prove it..... my ex tried to kill me as well.

 

We just want to get her out of there before that happens to spare her the trauma!

 

And I keep thinking.....'what if he kills her on the first try????'

[HappyAsALark]

I've always wondered this same thing. Wondered if there is a way to help someone in an abusive relationship see things more clearly. It seems like particularly women stay in these relationships for no reason to outsiders and that the outsiders never understand. Her only reason is "because they are in love" LOL interesting concept of love to me.

 

That is how the victim explains it because honestly that is what they think is keeping them there. A lot of times the abuser has bashed their self confidence down so low they feel dependent upon their abuser and feel like they need them. And also a lot of times the abuser plays the victim card and the actual victim in turn feels like the abuser.

[HappyAsALark]

The way you describe these relationships sounds eerily like the relationship between a drug addict and their substance. Almost like they are addicted to the abuse and need to hit a low before they start seeing just how abusive it all really is. And even then it is hard to turn away.

 

You are exactly correct. In a lot of the support groups that I work with that is one of the analogies we use. It is an addiction in a way.

[Aurian]

My ex tried to isolate me by manipulation and temper tantrums. My family tried to get me to see what he was, but I was so messed up that I was defending his actions and saying they couldn`t see his side of things.

 

I blamed myself for a lot of things and worked very hard to make myself better. And I did. However, there were always more and more problems and they got sillier and sillier (threatened divorce over a soccer game on TV?) as he reached to find things to make me feel bad about. He also began to get extreme with his methods of control - threatening murder and suicide, which couldn`t be rationalized as sane or misunderstood.

 

Eventually I had enough, drew a line in the sand and said no more. He crossed the line and I filed for divorce.

 

Unfortunately, I had to be pushed to the edge by him and his behaviour and when he kept pushing and pushing, he broke the illusion rather than breaking me. My family couldn`t help me see the real him until I was ready to, but they did help me stay away from him during those shakey weeks post-illumination.

[Miss M]

This is an excerpt from the book Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft. This gives helpful information on how best to help an abuse victim...

 

THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely.

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation.

 

THE ABUSER: Talks down to her.

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.

 

THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does.

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do.

 

THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations.

SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.

 

And there's more; find the rest here... link removed