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20 years from now...


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Somebody asked me recently where I saw myself 20 years from now. I honestly didn't know what to answer that wouldn't make me sound like I belong in a loony bin. I couldn't help but keep thinking that I never look that far into the future. That maybe I just don't wanna see myself 20 years from now. Sometimes I wish I were a photograph... That I lived in one. A good moment that lasts forever... you strike a pose, whatever position you're in, you can look cool, you can look intellectual, whatever, and you can be in that position without causing permanent damage to your joints and spine, lol.


I can't say I'm having the time of my life right now... But there's been good moments, and lately, whenever there's one of those, I can't help but look into the future: it's over already, and see myself looking back and remembering, and just going back to the same boring routine. Then when it's actually over, I start looking back and remembering that back then I looked forward and knew I would look back just like that... Confusing I know. Wish I could stay trapped in one of those moments forever, cause like I said, nothing is perfect.


Sometimes there are those moments during daily life when it's like a dense fog clears up, like a wakeup call that I'm standing right there, right that moment and I start thinking about my life, my career, my school, all the people around... like the guys I walk past I don't know, and if I've seen more than once, I don't recall, and the pretty girls I don't recall seeing either, and they just look so weird... Maybe because I compare them to the people I used to be around back when life was the most normal for me (which would be my childhood, lol... and as a child I lived in a different country, to boot, so it's not just a difference of age), and they're so different. Makes me feel so out of place... At the same time it makes me think that out there there are different people. And I don't like it here (I mean, I don't HATE it either, especially now that I've gotten more used to it... but I still feel like the piece of the puzzle that doesn't quite fit in), so maybe I should go out there and see if good luck shines on me again like it did about 2 years ago...


When I was still 19, I could barely accept that I was going to be 20 someday. And now I can barely get it through my head that just like last year, this year is going to fly by, and I'm going to turn 21. And it's going to be like that and I'm going to be 30, then 40, and those are 20 years from now, but am I going to be okay? I hate my career, and the only things keeping me sane are those things I do outside of school. In school, I don't have any friends per se. There's a handful of people I talk to in a regular basis, but they're not really friends. Outside school, I pretty much don't know anyone.


My favorite things aren't the best for making real friends, or getting to know girls (yes 2nd time I mention girls... I usually just talk about "people," don't care if they're girls or not, but I'm going through an outbreak of EPS. EPS = explosive pants syndrome. I just made that up, cause that's sort of how I described it in one of my threads not so long ago when I was going through an episode of EPS), yet I wouldn't trade them for anything, cause they keep me sane, they really do. But 20 years from now, I wonder where will I be... Cause I dunno how I'll be able to handle having nothing but some lame job, even if it pays well, but having nothing else. I can get away with it now, and even so, just barely, cause I keep thinking that some day, probably sooner instead of later, the world, and my own stupid conscience that cares about what my family, employers, college, and everyone thinks, will throw the towel. Listening to loud, obnoxious, snotty music doesn't ever look good, and the older you get, the worse it looks, especially if you don't have tattoos and don't wait tables or work at a store or something (I guess it's more acceptable if you're in a band, if you work with art, or work like at a radio station, or with parties and/or other events involving live sound and music and what not).


With all the school work, I don't really have time to figure anything out... in fact, I should get back to school work right now.

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