feeling like i need to find myself

[pete89]

my whole life i spend my time "hiding" from people. i guess it can be realated to shyness but i beleve now that its alot more then that. since i started school as a kid i was shy. until the time i was maybe in the 7th grade i had only 1-3 close friends who i actualy communicated with and i was what you would call an average shy kid. as i got older and looking back now i feel it turned into much more then that. after that time i started putting up a "shield" to people. the only people who really got to know who i am were the ones who would make the effort to get to know me (very few people). any time i was in a new environment like a new class where i did not know anyone i would kind of be the kid who sat in the back and did not talk much at all, the kid who no one really got to know as a person. i would usualy stay with the same friends all the time and never expand my friendships. i went to a differnt school for a half day program one year in highschool where i was in 1 class for 2 hours every day, and i did not make 1 actual friend.

 

looking back i really do not know why i was/am like this. im not the type of person who thinks i am too good to be friends with other people, i just always was like that and am not sure why. my first semester of college i dormed at school (not very far away) driving distance. i went to class everyday with the same people and did not make 1 real new friend. the closest thing to it was probably the person who i would sit next to in class and talk for a bit. i would constantly go back to my dorm and try to pass time, thinking about it i personally dont know the names of the people who are on my floor or even next to me. i do not look like the type of person who is someone you wouldent want to get to know. the only thing i have been told is i walk around "like a tuff guy" i guess i do but i am anything but rude when it comes to people. i dont go around giving anyone problems. like i said i went through a whole semester of college and i really dont think there was anyone in any of the classes who knew who i was as a person. i now feel the real reason is because i myself do not know who i am. i dont know how to describe myself as a person. i sat with a counsler at school and was asked to describe myself to her, i found myself telling her, who i want to be rather then who i actualy am. at this point going through life every day like this feelingss of depression go through my head. sometimes i sit up at night and just think about how life was just a waste so far and that i want to change my life the next day. i really do not understand what is the reason for all this. i honestly have always felt i had some kind of psychological problem which is controlling how i act. if i tell people about my feelings i dont think anyone would actualy feel i have such a problem possibly because of the way i look and sometimes act in a normal day. its really like i go around with a mask on. i look fearless on the outside but alot of times im torn up on the inside. and still dont know why exactly. i can be sitting in class and look normal as if im just sitting there doing my thing but im really thinking in my head about how i hate my life.

 

thinking about this whole thing sounds crazy to me becaus i know that it seems im hypocritical, i have no serious family problems, i have had no serious issues in my life to make me not happy. i have every reason to be happy, i just cant seem to find happiness in anything in my life. i feel like i need to just up and go far away to a place where im completlly on my own. maybe then i will find who i am and what im all about. maybe at the same time it will just make things worse. who knows. does anyone have a similar experience with this? any help?

[random_stranger]

Hi pete89,

 

Would it make you feel better if I said that you're not alone? From reading your post, it could be possible that you have clinical depression. Here are some of the symptoms... see if you can relate:

 

1.) Feelings of helplessness- you feel like nothing will get better no matter how hard you try

2.) Loss of interest in daily activities

3.) Self-loathing- strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt

4.) Lack of energy

5.) Overall pessimistic outlook on self, situation, and future

 

If these symptoms describe how you're feeling, you should go talk to a counselor or a doctor and see what they recommend. Clinical depression is a serious illness, but help is available.

 

Now, on to my experience. Even though I have friends and family who love me, I honestly don't think any of them really know me either. I mean, I'm not really sure if I even know myself all that well. On the outside, they see this person who is well put together, head-strong, confident, and independent, but on the inside I'm so scared that they're going to eventually realize that I'm a fraud... or at least that's what I think I am. I usually have a lot of self-doubt in my head, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just not giving myself the credit that I deserve.

 

I, too, was shy when I was younger. i was constantly teased, i thought my family hated me, I had no friends, I came home and cried every single day and wished that I could somehow take the pain away by making myself disappear. i contemplated suicide for a while... I thought, heck... not like anybody is going to miss me. But looking back now I'm really glad that I didn't. After being educated about common psychological issues, i realized that I was suffering from clinical depression at the time and I was lucky enough to come out of it alive.

 

Regardless of whether you think you have depression or not, please go talk to somebody. Friend, family, counselor, doctor, whoever. If you do have clinical depression, there are ways to help. If you don't, then a counselor or doctor can also find ways to help you deal with your emotions or thoughts.

 

I'm not really fond of anti-depressants because they usually have nasty side effects, but I've heard that a natural supplement does help people who have mood disorders. It's called 5-HTP and you can find it for a few bucks on link removed. Also, there are reviews from other people who have taken it, so you can decide for yourself. I'm personally taking it right now and although I haven't noticed a dramatic change in my mood, I have noticed that I don't feel as depressed as often. Please use your own discretion when deciding whether these will help you or not.

 

Best of luck to you.

[talo]

If the way you look and act is different to the way you feel, then you are not being genuine, true to yourself.

 

The reason that you want to be completely by yourself is so that you can avoid being fearful, or in other words, avoid being a fake; but this will also result in you avoiding many of the joys of life.

 

Wouldn't it be better to show some courage and start being more genuine in your dealings with others?

 

Courage is the ingredient that starts us on the road to feeling better, to being more feeling, and being more feeling is being happier.

 

With best wishes,

[peacefullspirit]

I feel like I need to just get up and go far away to a place where i am completely on my own. Maybe then I will find who I am and what I'm all about.

 

You'll never find out unless you try...