Confused Feelings

[tawni]

This is my first experience with forums, but didn't know how else to get information and advice. I don't know how to feel about what is happening. I was sexually abused when I was 6 or 7 years old by a neighbor. I am 46 years old now, and back then things like this were "forgotten" and not talked about. I never received counseling, trying hard to forget, and move on. I've been married twice. I met a guy 2 weeks ago. We hit it off immediately, both of us feeling a connection that we've never felt before in any of our previous relationships. He's sensitive, caring, and treats me like a princess! A dream come true! After all the years of feeling like I would never find anyone like him! Someone to truly love and care for me. I even told him yesterday that I felt like it was a dream. Then I found out something that has totally flipped my world upsidedown. Twenty years ago, he was convicted of child molestation! He explained to me what happened. He served his time between jail and rehab, and told me that he has had no thoughts of ever repeating what he did. He said it was a life-altering mistake, he has to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. He told me that the man I met is the man he is now, that he isn't the same man as he was then, and asked me to give him a chance, that he didn't want to lose what he felt he'd been searching for his whole life. I told him about my abuse, and he understands if I choose to walk away from him. My problem is that I don't want to walk away, but don't know if I can "forget" what he did. My friend feels that there may be a reason we met now. Destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it. Over the past year or so, a lot of what happened to me has come to the surface through family members, and now this. Before that, it hadn't been talked about for 40 years! Why now? And why him? How do I deal with this?

[Madman22]

Wow, never heard of something like this before.

 

Once I met a girl who told me she was sexually abused by her uncle. Later that evening she told me that she was deeply in love with a man, who seemed similar to her uncle.

 

She said this new man treated her the way she was treated by her uncle as a kid...made her feel "special" by paying attention to only her.

 

Wanna know what my advice was?

 

RUN. RUN FOR YOUR FKING LIFE GIRL. I am sorry, do you really think that God would send you a soulmate that is YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!!

 

I dont care how "different" this man is from his past...he is NOT someone I believe would help heal wounds that you definitely need considering you have never been to councelling.

 

Honey, from one girl who has struggled like hell to another, get rid of him. See a councellor, not just any, and talk about how you could attract that type into your life without realising it.

 

I think this is very dangerous for you, your future..and the guy who is patiently waiting out there for you to arrive safely in his arms...

 

and this guy aint it!

[adahy]

The early part of all relationships seem like "destiny". At 46, you should know that relationships take work. The initial bliss fades. 2 weeks is way too soon to be thinking "destiny". The real world ain't fantasy land....and it ain't Hollywood.

 

For the record, molesters are charming people...I'm sure he's trying to convince you to take a chance, the same way he convinced those kids to take some candy.

 

I'm sure you heard the watered-down version of the story. Personally, I'd stay away from him. If you want a messed up life - a good recipe is to get involved with messed up people. He's and abuser...and abusers know how to manipulate the abused (that'd be you). I think you have a bad feeling as well, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. I could be wrong, but most people with a mental sickness don't change. I'd definitely keep my eyes open....and not let this present stage of bliss CLOUD your judgement. If you have kids...keep them away from this man! Your past should give you some wisdom.

 

Best wishes!!

[Madman22]

Brilliant : For the record, molesters are charming people...I'm sure he's trying to convince you to take a chance, the same way he convinced those kids to take some candy.

[SR212787]

Maybe it is a sign. I know it would be hard, but maybe you could give it a chance. Maybe this is a way for you to deal with it and talk about it. It seems like he is really sincere, and everyone makes mistakes. This is a crazy mistake that directly pertains to you, but this could be the man of your dreams.

 

See if he would like to go to counseling with you were you could both talk about the things that have happened to you both, that might help a lot more then it sounds.

[Shadows Light]

"If its too good to be true... then its not true"

 

Manipulators and abusers are charmers... wine and dine you... know all the right moves.. right words... etc etc.

 

Advice... listen to the other posters.. RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE...

 

and go see a counslor.... to deal with the past stuff.

[blender]

ugh.. remember you do NOT know this man.. and right now you are "falling for" who you HOPE he MIGHT be for you.. but that could prove to be very different then who he actually is in the long run..

 

This "confession" of his about being arrested for child molestation is overwhelming information for you... it's not to be taken as something someone can "just get over" out of remorse, has he sought therapy? Can you speak directly to his therapist to find out from a professional if this is indeed a pattern he will not repeat?

 

If he has not gotten therapy, and you are not able to actually speak to his therapist..well then you might really want to ask YOURSELF if this is something you can actually live with, knowing all along it will be in the back of your mind, or even in the front of your everyday thoughts..that this man you are choosing to be involved with is capable of molesting a child... is that something you will be okay knowing, accepting and now trusting? You have to be very honest with YOURSELF and not blinded by what you are 'hoping" he could be in your life, but instead keep your heart open, but your eyes, ears and intincts open even wider.. and know that it's about what YOU are okay with and also about him SHOWING you that he has had years of therapy, and what he has done to actually get over his "need" or "want" to be with a child in an inappropriate way.. why now does he KNOW FOR SURE he would not do this again?

 

If the answer is 'because he was caught', and not based more on him finding out what it is inside of his own issues that allowed him to CHOOSE the behavior of molesting a child, and also he should explain why he believes he would not do this again, and how he deals with the issue of the "urge"... and how THERAPY has helped him discover his illness and also be sure to speak to a therapist yourself..

 

But if you want my two cents, I know I would not be able to handle this information no matter how much he told me he wouldn't do it again, or how much remorse he has..

 

at this early stage of the relationship it's up to you to choose what is okay for you..because now would be the time to walk away and let go for your own sake and out of respect for him as well.. because it's all about knowing YOURSELF well enough to know if this is something you are okay with..

 

If this information is something you can accept and forgive and be okay with..well that is up to you... I just know it would be very difficult to live with knowing this FACT about his CHOICE of behavior in the past...whether it was twenty years ago or not.. I just know for most people's heart it would NOT be information they could deal with.. but you have to decide that for yourself.

[blender]

P.S. remember your "confused feelings" are coming from who you "thought and hoped" he could be when you first met him opposed with this NEW DISTURBING INFORMATION.. because you can trust that if he told you this on the first date or before the first date, you would have never gone out with him, you would have "seen him and thought of him" in a whole different light..

[dragon111]

It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible with this man.

 

However nice he is on the surface, you are sitting in different sides of the battlefield, lets not focus on evilness, that's a harder argument for people to accept, but lets focus on incompatibility, sure your playing games in no-mans land right now, but the guns will start firing.

 

There are emotional complexities involved, and its probably hard for you to detemine what your real feelings are, you probably feel unsure whether you can justify your bad feelings towards this man because maybe you think that would be an unfair projection of your anger at what somebody else did to you. But its not an unfair projection, i don't think people like that can really change, and i don't think it would do you any good to have this person around. He is the enemy.

 

People make mistakes (or call them mistakes), some people make decisions, in abuse there is no real difference, there are no excuses, and that is the way it is.

I don't see how you can be comfortable in any long term sense in that kind of relationship and as a rule, if your not comfortable, get rid of the thing that's making you uncomfortable. I know its not all as easy as this, and i know its going to be hard to decide what to do, but personally i wouldn't want somebody like that to touch me.

[SR212787]

Reading more into this: Be careful, get to know him a lot more but try not to be so close. Get the counseling. But yeah, most of the time if it is too good to be true... It's not. I know I am contradicting my previous post... I try to see the good in people when sometimes the reality is right there.

[ButterflyWrists]

I'm annoyed at some of the posts in this thread. People can and do change all the time. Yes I agree that it may not be a good relationship to get into, but maybe The OP can here the other side of the story as it were.

 

OP. You need to get some counseling, see a professional, who deals with this sort of situation, and get professional advice on what to do about this new found person.

[blender]

I'm annoyed at some of the posts in this thread. People can and do change all the time. Yes I agree that it may not be a good relationship to get into, but maybe The OP can here the other side of the story as it were.

 

It's not about whether he's actually "changed" or not, it's more about the FACT that she has to live with knowing that at one time in his life, he was capable of CHOOSING to molest a child.

 

If that awful reality of his past CHOSEN behavior is present in her mind then that is enough reason for her to lovingly let go now and move on with her own life and seek a relationship where the "values and standards" are shared in a deep and sincere way, not only within the new relationship but to respect and share the decent acceptable chosen behavior of each partners past..

 

if a new relationship presents one partner revealing a past of unacceptable choices.. well that is a huge issue, especially one of this nature..child molestation would be an unacceptable choice (from the past or present) for most to deal with on any level...whether the person had changed of not, it would not be information one could just "get over" and sweep under the carpet so to speak.. it is disturbing and could potentially and most likely put a dark cloud over every aspect of the relationship eventually, especially when the "newness" wears off, and reality and issues and struggles and trust comes in to the reality and longevity of any real relationship. This is something that is bothering the OP and justifiably so... so that is the healthy self respecting reason she can let go and move on... it's not about whether he "changed", it's more about knowing that he made a choice to do this at one point in his life.. the choice, HIS choice to molest a child..

 

This information is disturbing and upsetting for our OP, so then it's time for her to let go and move on.... it's no longer about him or what he's changed or not, it's about what SHE can deal with and what is okay for her values and standards in life...