volleybabe82 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 What can I do about my fiance's bad attitude? He's a very "I don't give a *** type of person... he rarely finds anything I say seriously, he's very insensitive when it comes to emotions and feelings. I understand men are different than women, hence not as emotional... but my fiance has such a laid back (TOO LAID back) attitude that he doesn't care about anything... I can't even describe it... it's not even towards feelings, or me.. just in life in general he doesn't care about much. He doesn't care about his health, if he dies tomorrow or not, he doesn't care much about relationship issues we may be having. The only time I EVER see any kind of emotion, (anger usually) is only ever 1 of 2 things. #1 MONEY...... the most important thing to him and #2- EGO... if it has to do with jealousy, or other men, or cheating, he gets outraged... that is the only time I could ever get a rise out of him, if another guy paid attention to me or something. What do you do with a person like this? He's become more and more like this the longer I am with him.. I don't want to marry an insensitive unemotional person...](*,) Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 What do you do with a person like this? you need to ask yourself this. sounds like you are swaying towards 'it's over'. either this guy needs to change or you need to get out. and he was always like this? or slightly and now it has progressed into something more drastic? people do change. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Have you talked to him about how you feel? What does he say? Unfortunately, you can't force a person to care more.... but if you feel that he's not really interested in your relationship than maybe you need to decide if you should really go forward with the wedding. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 What would I do? Dump him. If you are not happy with who he is as a person, DO NOT MARRY HIM! It will not get better with a ring, it will only mean you are stuck with him. You can't change him, he has to want to change and he has to make those changes. Link to comment
volleybabe82 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 I know he cares about our relationship.. he just has a hard time saying it... so he'll use anger and make an issue out of something instead of directly saying "I want to spend more time with you" or "why don't you put away your computer and spend time with me".. He'll find another way to say it, so it doesn't make him look weak or needy. Otherwise, he has this huge chip on his shoulder towards life... like I dont' care about anything.... You can just tell in the way he walks, he has this act like he thinks he is better than people.. It really turns me off... It's so weird because in his case, you CAN judge a book by it's cover... He's tall 6'3, heavy set guy 260lbs, bald.. very deep voice.. worked in a factory, he's very abrasive and loud.. he does have a good sense of humor, always makes jokes... but he's just this big bold aggressive looking guy.. and alot of the times he acts the part. Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet he's like a big cuddly bear, and I love that... But he has this macho side that is about 60-70% of the time.... it's very hard to fall out of love with someone when you love their good side.. but their bad side you HATE. I've never been through this before... I feel I battle with myself constantly... I have a love-hate thing for him.. It's very hard... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 when you want to be with someone forever, you have to love them as a whole. there is not this half versus that half in love. sure you can despise the person for their anger or how they deal with their problems. but you have to accept it. it doesn't sound like you like that 'hate' side much at all. that is a huge percentage. so this must be like a lot. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 How much of a relationship can you really have if you are with someone you hate 60-70% of the time? You are only getting 30-40% of real relationship. You deserve a 100% relationship, you need to be with someone that gives you 100% of themselves. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 There are waaay too many things that bother you about him. These things won't go away when you marry him, if anything they'll bother you even more. At the very least, you should be holding off on any wedding plans. Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who has a side that you hate? Can you envision this man as a parent? Why not start seeing other people and see if you can find someone more suitable for you? The things you've mentioned aren't minor annoyances. You're having far too many doubts to commit to marriage with this person. Link to comment
northwoods Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 What do you do with a person like this? He's become more and more like this the longer I am with him.. I don't want to marry an insensitive unemotional person...](*,) I think you answered your own question but are hoping we might sway you differently. You fell in love with a different person. At the root, it sounds like he might just be that insensitive person you don't want to be with. How long were you together before getting engaged? How ago did you get engaged? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 >>What do you do with a person like this? well, you don't marry him unless you also put top priority on money, and you don't mind stroking his ego for the next 40 years. i don't think you can change a person's fundamental personality and overall attitude towards life. you can negotiate some changes in how you relate to each other, but he is not going to wake up and be Mr. Sunshine, ever. what do you need for yourself? remember that what you are getting now is what you are going to get for the next 40 years, and marriage won't change his personality. go from there... Link to comment
stella74 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 he's just this big bold aggressive looking guy.. and alot of the times he acts the part. Don't get me wrong, when he's sweet he's like a big cuddly bear, and I love that... But he has this macho side that is about 60-70% of the time.... it's very hard to fall out of love with someone when you love their good side.. but their bad side you HATE. There are several huge red flags here: 1. He acts aggressively with you instead of communicating in a way that is sensitive to your feelings. 2. He has a macho side the majority of the time. 3. You hate his bad side. I would be afraid to marry a man like this. :sad: His behavior will only get worse once you marry and you will only hate him more. When I was engaged and we were both having doubts, we went to a couples counselor and it helped a lot. It made it more clear why we were having doubts and it helped us communicate more openly and respectfully. We ended up calling off the marriage and it was a very amicable decision that neither of us regretted. I hope that if you do end up calling off the engagement that you can end things without the feelings of hating him. Because you'll take those feelings into your next relationship. If you do decide to stay with him, he'll need to work on managing his anger and treating you more respectfully. Link to comment
stella74 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 volleybabe82, I just realized you were the one that posted "Falling Apart... at 26"! No wonder you are so stressed and no wonder your confidence is suffering. You had said you were in counseling. I hope you talk about your relationship conflicts with the counselor you've been seeing or find a new one. Link to comment
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