situation with ex bf

[taratang]

Hey all. I dated my boyfriend from highschool all through my senior year and we planned on not breaking up for college. However, I wasnt sure if he understood how hard it would be so I started pressing the issue more with him, esp. when a couple weeks before I first left he started acting a little distant. When I pressed him on the final night, he broke it off. About a month into college, he started calling alot and basically hinted that he wanted to get back together. So we did, although it bothered me he wouldnt put In a Relationship on Facebook. But he broke it off again right before Christmas break. Im not sure why, it might have been the distance or the fact that we had some arguments. That break was so hard, I missed him so much. He did still want to see me and be friends and it eventually led to friends with benefits. I knew that was so stupid but I thought he'd come back. We've been doing that since then. Im in my second year of college. Last summer after fighting over getting back together, I broke it off right before school, but we ended up talking again 2 months later and this past Christmas we spent a ton of time together. He was extra lovey dovey. He invited me to his family parties which my parents thought was weird since Im not his girlfriend. His Mom even introduced me as "his girlfriend" to her friends but he said well you're not later when I remarked on that.

 

He isnt just using me for sex. He tells me that all the time. He does care about me, its obvious to our parents and my friends and such. He tells me Im his best friend and such, which I believe because we tell each other everything. If he was just using me for sex I would have never done this. Our 'friends with benefits' is really us being together without calling it that, and he knows that too, because last summer he felt like he'd been "dumped" I havent met anyone at school. All the boys in college are so immature and no one has all the qualities my ex has. I would never tell him this cause itll inflate his ego but Ive never met anyone as good as him at my school. I have talked about what would happen after college but hes getting his masters probably at his school and I want to go into a field that doesnt have that many grad schools. He doesnt say anything else. When I say "well after college this is off" he just goes "is that a threat?" and says he'll come visit me at grad school too. He did once say he loved me last year (he let it slip when I went to the hospital) but never again said it and whenever I bring it up if he loves me or not he goes "no comment" or "Im not answering that"

 

I initiated NC again and Im not gonna break it this time. I sent him an email this time. Last time I did it on the phone but I didnt want to do that again bc I didnt want to hear him him get all sad yet not want to be committed. I explained myself throughly in the email saying I couldnt be just friends with him and I didnt want to waste anymore time on him since he showed no intention of us getting back together now or in the future. That if he loved me he would want to be with me and thats it. His response was "Im sorry, you know I do care about you and you're my best friend- I wasnt lying about that. I dont know what the future has in store. I dont know what I want to do." I was a bit surprised I thought he was going to just say "well then this is over" and he'd never consider maybe getting back together but I dont want to hope. Should I not talk to him anymore and let him figure out what he wants?

[lonelygemini]

I would initiate NC and stay that way. He’s feeding you lines so you guys will be all nice and cozy whenever you come home from break. He brings you around family because you’re safe and it’s socially acceptable. I mean, if he’s sleeping with someone else while you’re not around, it would be a little awkward to bring whoever-the-heck around for the holidays. He’ll let his family think you’re the gf to feed your ego and cover his behind.

 

I would say ditch him, and give the guys at your college or local area a real chance. They _all_ can’t be that bad. And your ex isn’t all that great either for leading you on for 1+ years and using you for holiday arm candy. If he decides he wants to come back, he better come as your bf for real, or no dice. Don’t accept anything less.

 

Sorry if I sound a little tough, I’ve been there, done that on so many levels and it’s just not worth hanging around someone who doesn’t think enough of you to make you his bona fide girlfriend.

[enchiladaman]

This is an easy situation to analyze because I used to be exactly like him. He is afraid to commit to you and probably feels like he is way too young and hasn't experienced enough of life yet to settle down yet.

 

He likes having you for security and as someone wo will be there for him - but only on a part time basis. He probably does care for you genuinely but also loves having the freedom of being single. Not having to check in with anybody, being able to go out with friends and party, and being able to talk with girls and maybe even flirt with girls without feeling guilty since he technically doesn't have a gf.

 

Unfortunately I don't se this ending well. He is going to keep you around until some other girl enters the picture and he will end things with you using a lame excuse like "well we were just good friends is all" or some other lame way to belittle what little of a relationship you already have.

 

Or he is going to try hard and keep you in this "what are we limbo" for a long time while he "figures out what he wants." This will lead to a breakup just the same.

 

Either way he is really just wasting your time and stringing you along. If you were to let him, this would continue for many years and end with him finally cutting things off and you heartbroken.

 

This relationship is uneven in the level of commitment that is desired and you would be better off not wasting any more of your precious youth. Go look for someone where the feelings and maturity is more equal.