Terrible luck

[sportsfan2007]

Hey guys,

 

I recently met this girl on an online dating site and it appeared pretty promising. It looked liked we had alot in common and both wanted the very same things out of a relationship. She seemed really sweet to me as well. I found out that she is divorced (shes almost 27) but I understood her situation because she said her husband changed when they got married and he wouldnt show her the affection that she needed any longer that she needed and after a year of trying to make it work she called it quits. Sje said shes the type of person who has alot to offer someone and gives 1000% and she was happy to hear I was like that too

 

Well we chatted, texted and even talked on the phone for long periods of time and while you never get a full analysis of a person until you actually spend time with them, we were both excited to meet and get to know eachother. For a short second, I thought I had found one of those people that no matter how many times you talk or associate with them, it just feels right and you can do no wrong. It was both of us not just. She was jsut as energetic about metting me as I was her.

 

So a few nights ago we decided to hang out at her place. We watched a movie and we cuddled and eventually made out. I was really attracted to her and I thought she enjoyed my company. She had to get up for work early so I only spent a few hours there. I texted her I thought she was great and I hope I gt to see her again cuz later i thought to myself going to her house the 1st time maybe wasnt a good idea cuz it had backfired on me in the past but I thought maybe it was ok cuz we were getting along so well. She said dont be silly and of course I will see her again.

 

Keep in mind she said she wanted a nice guy who doesnt play games and stupid rules and she wants a guy who makes an effort to show her she cares.

The next day I texted her to see how her day at work was going cuz the day before it wasnt going well. She said it was going ok and thats it. Now before, she would text me all day even at work and keep the conversation going. So im like great. I asked her out to a move for this friday which would be days in between seeing eachother so i didnt think i was going too fast and she said she going away to a cabin this weekend with her friends. I wasnt upset so I told her ok. Shes got plans so I cant be mad so I left it alone. But whats alarming to me is she didnt offer another time to me like a girl would do if shes interested. So im like double great. So i asked her if maybe last night coming to her house so soon was a mistake and she told me I worry too much so im like triple great. Shes even back on that site looking again and that can never be a good sign

 

In my mind, I think she just met me and isnt interested. I wonder why though would a girl kiss you if she doesnt like you. I Know people will say I just need to relax but I know when things dont feel right. She completely did a 180 and is acting totally dfferent now right after she met me. I just deleted her number so I cant do any more damage. I really did want to get to know her but it doesnt feel right anymore. as so eager to spend time with me and now its all different. I honestly am so much happier when I dont like someone

[ghost69]

maybe she felt like kissing you at that point in time. sounds like she liked you at that point. maybe she changed her mind. it happens. i know i've changed my mind after 2 years of dating. just happens.

 

usually, girls that say they want a nice guy that doesn't play games, they want a guy that treats them horribly.

[darkpumpkin]

I sort of agree with ghost69. It's been known that when you ask for a "nice" partner really you want someone who is not so nice to you.

 

Then again from reading her past she must be pretty scared to let herself open up to another guy. I mean she loved someone they got married then everything changed on her, that must be sitting in the back of her mind.

 

Personally I would just back off. Talk to her in a bit and if you still get the cold shoulder then leave it be and move on to someone else. She can keep looking on the site, she is still classified as single so don't read into that one.

[adahy]

We've all been there. Learn a lesson and move on. Don't get prematurely attached to people online...personally I'd stay away from dating sites altogether. There are a lot of red flags here and I would not call or respond to her again. She is NOT what she seemed...and in the long run, you don't want to get involved with her. Her divorce remark - "he wouldnt show her the affection that she needed" - tells you she's hard to satisfy, as many women are. Me, me, me. Always the guys fault, right? A year of marriage isn't long and tells you she is flakey. Yes, according to most people, the first year of marriage is the hardest...people are getting used to things and each other. But, when you take a vow and make a commitment for life, I expect more than 1 year from "normal" people. She's a narcissist. She wanted you to screw her, and you didn't...so she became bitter about it. Don't be fooled by women. If a woman EVER puts you on the "back burner", or puts you second, stop pursuing her immediately. It's a big warning...and it doesn't matter what is going on with her - don't waste another second trying to rationalize things. You did nothing wrong.

 

I honestly am so much happier when I dont like someone

 

Me too.

 

Hang in there. You'll find a better girl next time. It may not feel like it, but this worked out good for you!

[darkpumpkin]

I have to disagree, men and woman have things that happen in past relationships that cause conflict in current ones or potential current ones. I don't believe it's about how "bitter" she was because she didn't get any action from you.

 

IMO adahy is partly correct, you did nothing wrong.

[russ978]

I think it is great that you had a date and if it develops into something more, great!

 

It sounds like you are in the limbo zone where you aren't sure what's going on with her, if she is attracted to you, ignoring you, playing a game, or just plain busy.

 

I would avoid assuming that she wants XYZ even if she says the wants XYZ. Just be yourself. If she is down, she'll show interest if not, she'll fade off.

 

Sorry you're in this situation, most of us have been there and it is never 'easy...'

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hey, man. We've all been there. Just don't play her game. She made herself come off like a sweet girl, and I guess we really don't know what's going on, but her putting herself back on the dating site isn't necessarily a good sign. On the other hand, you guys only went out once, so you can't really expect her to close up shop and commit to you so quickly.

 

What I would do is not put so much thought/effort into her. Keep on looking and keep her on the back burner - last priority.

[sweetharmony]

i wouldn't worry too much about it...I've kissed guys that I wasn't interested in...relationship wise, but I had been attracted to them, whatnot. it doesn't sound positive or negative. she could be marginally interested in you...yes, i would never suggest a first date at her house or a second date at a movie...try one more time, maybe she wants to be taken out for dinner and is playing a little harder to get? movies are lame second dates...a third, perfect, but not first or second. well, i would try just one more time...she may be playing a few games, but she could also not be interested as much either...but it doesn't sound like you are hounding her, so just try one more time and if she turns you down again with no suggestion for a different date, then you know.

[greensleeves]

It could simply be that once she met you in person, she felt the chemistry wasn't there. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you...it just wasn't a good match. It one thing to carry on an on-line relationship, it could have seemed like things were great, but when you meet in person, if the chemistry isn't there on one side, it's just not there and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She should be more honest with you about what's going on, but I think the whole dating site thing has created a culture where many people are less empathetic to other's feelings and treat people as disposable. I heard an interesting statistic yesterday that said 30% of people on these sites are actually married, so while it works for some people I think that you need to proceed with caution.

 

I do have to add that it makes me very sad when I often see guys on ena saying that women don't want nice guys and really want someone who is going to treat them badly. While that may be the case for some women, PLEASE don't generalize that we're all like that. There are so many great women out there who are ready for a mature and stable relationship with someone who IS a nice guy and is able to be caring and considerate. Please don't be jaded about it, nice guys don't always finish last and many of you sound like such great guys.

[sweetharmony]

yeah, nice guys don't always finish last. I've only date nice guys..most of them have all been the ones who have the least experience in dating, but are super cute and nice...you can't judge all women. I know plenty of nice men who are all married or dating women. maybe you're just attracted to girls who are attracted to "bad boys" that could be it...and girls who like nice guys, well, maybe you don't like them? it works both ways.

[Dating Coach]

I think you did move too fast. Not with going over to her house but with the constant connecting. Think about it. You went over to her house and things were fine. You watched movies, made out, etc. Her making out with you is a sign of interest at that time. You left.

 

Now she didn't send you a text, you sent her one. And then you did again the next day. And later you tried to ask her out again for movies. You keep making the connection by trying to contact her more than she is to you. This is showing her that you're interest is further along than hers, that you are moving faster than she is.

 

Not to mention you showing insecurity with bringing up whether or not going over to her house was a mistake, that just creates drama.

 

It may not all be lost, but you need to stop trying to contact her so much. You should not be contacting her more than she is you, NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS.

[bulletproof]

First off, forget the idea that this has anything to do with luck. It doesn't. There were things that probably could have been done differently.

 

Most of the people I know who date online say that the worst thing you can do is email, text, talk on the phone excessively before meeting. They usually advocate meeting as soon as you can, because oftentimes the buildup doesn't match the reality, and that leads to disappointment. Why not just cut to the chase, meet, and see if there is in-person chemistry? Online dating is supposed to be used as a tool to meet more people, not carry on a cyber relationship that will ideally lead to a real-life relationship.

 

I would also be very wary of someone who was describing a breakup or divorce as primarily the other person's fault. It takes two people to be in a relationship and to end a relationship. It shows she isn't taking responsibility for her own life. And even if the blame was 99% her ex-husband's, it's premature for her to be discussing those things with you.

 

So, lesson learned. You shouldn't blame yourself excessively or even blame her. Just understand that this is dating: you meet, see if there's chemistry, and move on if there isn't. She obviously just wasn't feeling it.

[sportsfan2007]

Ok so we talked about it tonight. Basically shes got the dreaded divorce issues. This was no surprise to me but she was she was acting before she met me I thought this would be easier. She was so very excited about me. She said even though shes divorced, shes ready to give 100% percent to someone new and is ready to share herl ife with someone and she couldnt wait till she met me. She flirted with me about wondering how it feels to kiss me and she even sent me a good-naughty picture for me.

 

So we hang out that night and we ended up kissing like I said. I thought we were still on that level. The next day everything had changed. Today she tells me shes scared to let someone new in and shes got unfair and unrealistic expectations for the new guy thats shes trying to work on. She otld me shes even scared to let me in. She even went on further to say that she doesnt know what she wants now and she doesnt know who she wants it with. She said she likes to take her time to really get to know someone and she doesnt want to be serious so soon and thats understandable but I at least thought we wanted to be serious about dating me at least and getting to know me. She kissed me and now she just wants to be friends first.

 

I guess I knew something was wrong and I panicked by asking her whats wrong. I guess I am still gonna see her at some point but before it was me pick any day now shes let me know when shes got another free day. Bummer. I probably wont see her again though. It never fails, I meet someone I really like and theres issues involved

[Dating Coach]

1) Her excuses are excuses. She was completely ready and now suddenly she's "scared"? I don't think so. She doesn't want *this* relationship.

 

2) Don't be the "friend". You want more and to settle for less and then still be around her when you want more is a bad bad bad move on your part. Not only for building attraction but for yourself. What if that time never comes? What good would it be to sit there all of that time still hoping?

 

I think you should cut your losses and move on. You've got some good pointers this time around and keep them in mind. The next one should be easier.

[sportsfan2007]

Ya i thought it was best for me to move on. I dont really want to because im not 100% sure if she really is just scared or if shes not really into me. Theres always so much gray area. Its like do you continue to try to talk to her and make things worse when shes clearly not interested or give up and make her think i am a quitter??I will say one thnig though shes stopped mak

[bulletproof]

I think she's full of it. I say this from being on both the giving (ashamedly) end of this excuse and on the receiving end of it. She is trying to let you down easy and not really doing so great a job of it.

 

Like I said earlier, next time you find someone you like via a dating site, exchange a few flirtatious, polite emails, maybe a phone call, and then meet. Don't build something up like this again because all the great emails in the world don't come close to what happens chemically between people, in person.

[Dating Coach]

Ya i thought it was best for me to move on. I dont really want to because im not 100% sure if she really is just scared or if shes not really into me. Theres always so much gray area. Its like do you continue to try to talk to her and make things worse when shes clearly not interested or give up and make her think i am a quitter??I will say one thnig though shes stopped mak

 

Think about it like this. Is it fair to you to sit there and wait for her to "be unscared"? No. thereforeeee you move on. If perhaps in the future she is interested in seeing what's going on, you could give it a shot.

[sportsfan2007]

U guys are right, its probably best that I move on. I can usually tell right away if a girl is interested. When that happens, I am calm as can be. I had that feeling once lol. When something doesnt feel right, I get nervous and usually ruin it. But usually shes not interested anyways. Maybe its the way I act in person that turning off these people.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I mean she loved everything about the prospects of my personality that she learned through talking on the phone ect. It seemed to me that she was real excited for me to prove her wrong about guys in geenral. With that in mind, for her to not at least want to pursue that anymore must mean she was incredibly turned off about me in person.

[sportsfan2007]

I feel like I should not be dating. I feel like its easier just to be single. It's the littlest of things you can say that will ruin it entirely. I really wanted to get to know this girl. I dont believe entirely that its her divorce issues.

She was ready for something. If she wasnt, she wouldnt be back on there looking elsewhere already. It was something I did or said. Now its ruined. Something as small as telling her I hope I get to see her again just to be nice goes and backfires on me. It's just so stupid and I cant take it anymore. Im gonna be single forever

[greensleeves]

If what you want in life is a rewarding and fullfilling relationship, don't give up. Don't allow one flake from a dating site to have that power over your self-esteem and your future. Continue to be the obviously good and decent person that you are and you'll draw in what you're looking for. You just may have to kiss a few frogs along the way

[Edison]

You are getting a lot of conflicting opinions on this thread. Which is triple great, because there are lots of possibilities. I have read them all, and my vote is with:

 

She just didn't feel it, buddy. Sorry. Maybe you have to work on your kissing, or your breath, or the way you are with a woman. Just giving you ideas.

[sportsfan2007]

I really dont think it was my breath lol because I had breath mints on me that night. As far as kissing, I dont think thats it either. I'm not saying I'm a fabulous kisser either but I know I dont groap women when I kiss and I am a sensual kisser. I dont get alot of tongue contact with the girls tongue because mine is on the shorter side so maybe thats it. I really have to try hard to get that sucker deep and by that it ruins everythnig else.

 

Anyways, I really just need to get control back. She was a total cutie and I'm stuck. I just contacted her and asked her for monday night and she said sure but wouldnt tell me if its a date or not. So shes avoiding it again. She said she had plans sunday night and I said its ok saying its understandable thats she got plans shes a hottie trying to play it off that I know shes got a date but im ok with it. She said awe wink wink so im guessing she does have a date.

[Edison]

She said ok for Monday, but isn't calling it a date? Call it whatever you want, you are getting together with her. You seem to be a bit hung up on the semantics.

 

While you are waiting for Monday, do some tongue stretching exercises to keep you busy.

[bulletproof]

Why are you still asking her out? I don't get it.

 

It isn't anything that you did or said. There is a lot more to attraction than what's on paper (or in this case, email). There are subtleties that we aren't even aware of when we are attracted to someone. She met you and just wasn't feeling it. That's all. You are torturing yourself by trying to figure it out, and then making it worse by continuing to ask her out. The things you listed, like telling her you want to see her again, are not the things that are making her hesitant. Forget the ideas of luck, and nice guys finish last, and all that other garbage. Be who you are and keep trying to meet someone who is sharing chemistry with you.

[sportsfan2007]

Ya I think everyone is right its time to move on. She did say she never really feels a spark right away but she obvioulsly isnt reciprocating my attention.

 

An interesting note here is astrology. I know you guys might think Im crazy that I believe in it but I do because I am an aquarius to a tee thats why I think theres some truth to it. I am loyal, honest, sincere, and very creative. She's an aquarius too. Actually 2 aquarius's are not a good match according to astrology. They make for great friends but not lovers. There is a lack of sexual attraction since we are probably both sexually reserved. I know I am. So I probably was not gonna be that guy to make her feel hot for me. I think we are probably too alike and most of the time, that calls for lack of attraction.

 

When we talked on the phone and texted, i think we connected intellectually and thats where the friends part takes place. But when we met in person, im guessing she wasnt feeling it sexually and thats the end of that. I told her I wasnt having sex with her that 1st night and that might have put her off. I defintely dont have that bad boy x factor. Hopefully a nice girl that I can feel attracted to comes along my way.

 

2 weeks ago I came accross a girl who was a little adventurous sexually. Of course, I was highly attracted to that because im not like that. And she wanted me too. Thing is I didnt enjoy her love style. We made out and she was biting me scratching me and so forth and shes a scorpio. Scorpios are extremely wild sexually and also very stubborn. I didnt feel like an intellectual connection could be developed because shes so stubborn.

 

I think theres some truth to astrology. At least in my experience. I was in a relationship 9 months ago with a girl who was a leo. Leos are said to be very into themselves and materialistic. And my ex was a princess. So there we have it, I can continue to associate with this girl and be her friend. But nothnig more will come out of it