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Marriage on the rocks and want my wife to love me again


rigglybob
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I am a 29 year old man from UK and recently my 5 year marriage has hit the rocks. Things had been going wrong for a year or so, we both smoked pot 24/7 and had gotten stuck in a routine of doing nothing and neglecting each other. In August my wife told me she was thinking of leaving. We went into councelling but I always felt that there was something she wasn't telling me, to me the whole thing came about so soon, though she said she had been 'mulling it over' for some time. Over Christmas I found out that she had been seeing her boss. She says that nothing 'physical' or meaningful had happened but he loves her and she felt she loved him, he is married (she's just now kicked him out) with three kids. I asked her to make a choice, him or me. She chose to stay and give our marriage a go. Problem is that until she finds another job she continue's to work for him and obviously I'm pretty insecure and paranoid. I want to forget about him and find a way to make her love me again as she says she's not sure how she feels. She has been trying really hard and we are both off pot and making changes to our lives and starting to have some fun but I'm scared that six months (I asked her to give it six months) down the line she will still feel that she doesn't love me and I will lose her. We did have a very strong marriage and loved each other completely. We met at Uni and have the obigatory debt but it's under control. Neither of us earn a huge amount but our financial situation is better now than ever before. Through all of this we have been the best of friends and get on so well. We continue to sleep and be physical together without sex, she says she's not quite there yet. She says sometimes she is optimistic and others she is not.

 

This is the only thing I think about and I really will do anything to win back her love. Any advice will be really appreciated.

 

Thanks

Bob.

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it sounds to me that your wife is sorry for the mistake she made. have you continued the therapy? Are you still vnvolved in it? I think it would be wise to be so. I also think that you and your wife need to have a healthy communication between you. Sit down one night and talk to her about what she needs that you have not been able to give her for her to go elsewhere. Tell her your feelings as well, what you think the relationship is lacking. If you both can come to a compromise of this then the problems should be at least minimized. Maybe you could set a day of the week aside for the two of you to spend together and recreate the old "dating". Go out to dinner, see a movie, rent a movie, go to an art museum, whatever you fancy. try to start over, so to speak. As far as her continuing to work and see her boss everyday, I would express this concern of yours to her. Ask her to make as much of an effort to try and find somewhere else to work. That will prove her love to you and her willingness to start anew. if she is unable to do this then she is not ready to let go of him. But you need to take as much control as you can. This is your marraige, your vows that you are talking about. Remind her that it takes two to tango and that you both need to work on this together. I hope I was of some help here...

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Thank you for your advice. Much of what you said I take on board though our situation is complicated (isn't it always!).

 

We are no longer doing the therapy. My wife finds it hard to talk about feelings and never really entered the spirit of it. I know she feels guilty for saying things that she knows will hurt me, even if it might do us good in the long run. I have asked her to consider starting it again but she's not up to it.

 

In terms of what we each want and need, we have been trying hard to change our lives and put in what was missing. That has had some benefit in that she feels happier with her life. The biggest single problem right now is that she doesn't feel she loves me.

 

I've told her that she needs to give it time, 6mths to a Yr maybe. Things took that long to go wrong and I figure you cant just change your life and expect the feelings to return right away. She worries all the time that as she does not feel in love with me we may not be right for one another. Again I have told her to focus on the good stuff we have and give it time.

 

The thing with this guy, though it never became physical, needs to be put behind us and we need some good times to look back on, not just the last year of difficulty. I'm just scared she will run because she doesn't have those feelings toward me she did when we were happy.

 

I told her to accept the way she feels but also to accept that we are married and will continue to be. Whether this is true or not, if she could just get on with life instead of worrying that the love isn't there all the time maybe it would ease the pressure and she might learn to love me again.

 

Am I an idiot to think we have a chance? I've read the other posts and isn't it just such a familiar story. I know that whatever I love her and I'm not ready to quit. I just wish she was as determined to sort this out as me. Whatever happened to faith and til death do us part?

 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

RB

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