Woah. Feel worse than ever...

[Edd]

I've a thread here somewhere that explains my current situation, but the short story is that I decided to go NC with my ex due to the fact that every time I saw her we argued and it wasn't extremely healthy for me, her or our daughter.

 

I've decided since that LC is probably the way to go, as NC doesn't really work when you have children unfortunately, much as I'd like it.

 

Anyway, the night before last I opened my heart to this friend of mine and told him how I was feeling about things. Yesterday I saw an email on his computer from her asking how I was, whether I hated her (she knows I don't) and just generally seeing how I was. I was fuming - why can't she just leave it alone?

 

I texted, we argued on the phone, my daughter got upset and I ended up going round there and seeing them just to clear the air.

 

While I was there I asked her about this new guy that's been sniffing around - and, true to her word about honesty she told me all the answers without hesitation. We've always agreed on a 'no surprises' policy. Well it turns out he's interested but she doesn't know where her head's at with regards to a new relationship - she talks or texts him most nights, he's bought her flowers, he's a nice guy that isn't pushing for anything at all, they haven't kissed....

 

He's also invited her to his mum's 50th birthday in a couple of weeks and clearly wants things to go further. My Ex's reply to me saying that was 'well, if he waits he might be worth it, if he doesn't then no loss.' I genuinely believe that she's not interested in anything serious with him right now, but that one day she will be and maybe soon.

 

We cried, we said a lot of stuff to each other that makes me realise that we will be friends at some point, and that I'm sure we'll be stronger friends for all the honesty....but at the moment I can't see it.

 

It's 7.00 here in the UK but I've been pretty much awake since 4.00 - I actually found myself lying awake thinking 'I can't actually handle much more of this' and that scared me. Please tell me that it gets easier because I'm at my wits end. I realise that this is a perfectly normal way to feel, but damn it hurts.

 

LC started last night and this time I'm committed.

[doyathink]

Yes it does hurt, it's one of the most painful things you'll ever live through. Does it get better? Most of the time, but not for quite awhile...I wont lie.

 

For some, it takes years, for others it's almost over night. Try to stay busy. Thats the only way I felt relief.

 

Sorry you're in pain. Stick to LC if that helps you.

[bustertypsy]

I definitely think limiting contact with her is essential if you are to heal in anyway.NC would be better,but as you said there are kids involved and it's just not a runner.

 

If you 2 are truly finished then don't be thinking about whether she has a new partner or not.Why give yourself heartache? Just concentrate on you and try to learn and become a better person.Also,the time for arguing should really be over.People break up over arguing,so if you are apart then the arguing must stop.

 

The above recommendations will not take away the pain,but they should at least ease it.By having respect for an ex is so much better than being at each others throats,which just wears both of you down.You will like yourself more if you're nice to others and by liking yourself you will heal quicker and stronger.

[Edd]

Well it will be as near to NC as I can get - I basically only really have to see her to pick her up for swimming on a Sunday and any other change overs are going to be done at my mum's house hopefully.

 

I find myself almost wishing that she'd take me back, but then in reality I honeslty don't think I would now even in the unlikely event that this would happen.

 

I had a nice text after I left her last night saying "don't be worrying about anything...I meant what I said. Take as much time as you need and when you're ready to be my friend again I'll be here ok?.x"

 

I didn't reply to this. I can't figure out if I should take heart in this text (just that she obviously still loves me, nothing more) or not, but it really is confusing.

[Edd]

Well, what a difference a day makes!

 

Currently feeling up - very up for some reason. I've been reading this blog (lost the address, sorry, just kind of stumbled accross it.](*,))...but it's basically bullet pointed everything that I was doing wrong and (and this is the important bit), I'm handling this in such a way that I could be stuffed in a text book. I'm normal.

 

This is all normal.

 

Thinking about them a lot means that I'm handling it, and I'm noticing minutes go by without me thinking about her.

 

I've lost someone, but actually...no, you know what? They lost me, and there's a huge difference. I know we see this 'power-to-me!' attitude on here quite a bit but, there's a reason for it - because when it hits you, it's fab.

 

Tomorrow I may crash, or the next day. If I do, I'll remember tonight as a milestone. These are small victories and they're important!

 

EDIT : Also, going out tonight to see some friends I haven't seen since before Christmas and a mate texted me today inviting me paintballing. Aces. Might also pop by the gym to see if I can enroll in some class to build myself up again. Through all this I've got down to my ideal weight and I need to turn the rest into some semblence of a body!