7 years dating, I look at other women because of our lack of sex, now what?

[Downforthecount]

I love my girlfriend. I really do. I love spending time with her, doing things with her, talking to her, etc.

 

But honestly, I’m still interested in other women. I can’t help it. I’ll see a girl at the gym and think “I would really like to have sex with her.” I’ll see a girl at the grocery store starring at me and think “I bet if I asked her on a date right now I could get laid tonight.” These are just some examples.

 

I blame her and myself for this.

 

Here’s a quick background:

 

We met right before college (college entrance exam). We hit it off and literally started dating a month later. We didn’t have a lot in common, but she was beautiful, we shared some hobbies, and well, she was the perfect girlfriend.

 

As the relationship went on, I realized we didn’t have a whole heck of a lot in common. She wasn’t really into sports (I’m sports freak), she didn’t like to go out and drink/party (I’m not talking fall down drunk, as I realize that’s college nonsense, I’m talking she won’t go out to have one or two drinks), etc. Just a bunch of things.

 

But, we still got along great.

 

The sex was always ok to below average. She did not give or receive oral, she did not receive oral, and she would never try any other position but missionary and sometimes woman on top. She claims any other position is dirty.

 

Well, as the years have passed, the sex has plummeted. She admitted a couple of years ago that she gets nothing out of sex. “I’m asexual” were her exact words. I said we should go in to a sex therapist because sex is an important part of a relationship. She told me that if all I cared about was sex then I was with the wrong person (she said it non-serious).

 

Some of you might say “you’re bad in bed.” But, how am I supposed to please a woman who will not experiment any positions and won’t let me even touch her with my hands? Or someone who won’t even seek help?

 

Well, here we are almost 7 years later. We’re both 25 years old, and it’s time to make a decision. Either we need to get engaged or call it off. The problem is, she has no idea what I’m thinking right now.

 

And no, it’s not my fault. I’ve expressed to her for YEARS about being more open in the bedroom, to try more things, etc. Even when we do have sex, she just lays there. It’s not even a turn-on or exciting anymore.

 

I don’t know what to do. I love her to death. But, if I told her I was having second thoughts and that we should see other people for a while, this relationship would NEVER EVER happen again. Not because of me, but because of her. She would never forgive me and would blame it on me.

 

What do I do about this? The clock is ticking.

[RayKay]

My impression, right off the bat, is you guys got together very young and have been together for a long time - and that I think the last thing you should do if you are unhappy in the sex department is marry her; just because you have been together for so long.

 

The reason I bring up the age you got together and length of time together, is often when we are with someone for such a long period of time from such a young age, we have little context to know what is healthy, right for us in a relationship, what a relationship looks like when it is healthy, what there is out there for us and so forth.

 

I am sure you do love her, but given you are interested in some degree in seeing others, I wonder if part of your reason for staying is fear of not finding someone else....

 

The sex life of a couple changes over time, and goes through fluctuations. It is up to each party to put the effort and work in to work on that aspect. It is one thing if there is a problem and she is actively working on it - another if she refuses to do anything about it, tells you to live with it and says you don't love her if you want sex.

 

I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Part of that is also enjoying sharing my body, and his body, with one another and connecting not only mentally & emotionally, but physically as well. It is fun, enjoyable and playful.

 

We are compatible in many areas (and are both sports junkies ) but it is important to me to be compatible accross the board, not just in one or two areas.

 

Only you can decide what you need and desire in a long term relationship, but I will say if you are unhappy now, do not get married until this issue IS sorted out; and if she refuses to do anything about it and consider your feelings as well - it might be time to consider whether this is really the relationship for you.

[RayKay]

By the way, even in a relationship with GREAT sex, you will probably look at other women now and then - it is okay to be attracted to others; that is being human.

 

It is how you act on that that matters. If you are feeling the temptation to take it further, it is very likely due to your current situation; and thereforeeee is a signal to you - but looking in itself, well nothing wrong with that.

[Downforthecount]

Thanks for the advice. It was great.

 

Anyone else have opinions on this?

[AmIafool]

Well, RayKay said it all. From reading your post it doesn't appear that this relationship is going to work out. I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting to have a good sex life. It's not fair for her to say "all you want me for is sex" when you complain about the lack of it. That isn't what you're getting at.

 

And yes, sex is important in a healthy relationship. You love her but you're very frustrated. That's why the allure of other women is so strong. If you find someone who is compatible and who likes sex, you will notice other women like RayKay says but the pull in that direction won't be so strong. People who are happy are better able to resist temptation.

 

And trust me, there are plenty of women out there who like sex!

[random_stranger]

I agree with RayKay... sure your gf sounds like a wonderful person, but if you two aren't really hitting it off in the sex department, it's only a matter of time before you let your urges take over you. Do you really want to run the risk of falling to temptation and end up being the * * * * * * * who cheated on his gf? (It'll be like a permanent record and it'll further decrease your chances of finding another girl like the one you have now.) 7 years is a lengthy relationship and the thought of letting that go can be terrifying because it's so familiar, but don't lock yourself in an unhappy relationship. You'll end up hurting both of you in the long run.

 

My advice is to talk with your gf about your feelings and see what she says. If she is still unwilling to negotiate, then maybe she's right, you are with the wrong person. There are plenty of lovely, sexual women out there, but you'll never find them if you're scared to try.

 

Furthermore, you say that you "love her to death"... does she also love you the same way? I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot, and she wanted you to do something that you don't really feel comfortable doing, wouldn't you give it a try anyway because you love her?