He/she wants space

[nikkers04]

I have heard this so many times

 

what exactly does space mean?

 

I want to break up and this is my way of letting you down easily?

 

You are just too overbearing right now I need some time away from you?

 

Does this mean don't call email text let the other person do it?

 

Does this mean you are still together just not talking????

 

any other input?

[surfjon]

Hmm....

"Space" is totally subjective...

My wife too needed "space" and "Constructive time" apart, however, we have not done one bit of "construction" since she split 6 months ago and probably never will. She wanted out, period. She wanted "space" alright, a whole universe is what she wanted and I was stupid enough to have hope until about 2 months ago.

 

I think "space" is all the items you listed and more!!

[JeckyllNHyde]

what exactly does space mean?

 

I want to break up and this is my way of letting you down easily?

they ae thinking about it, not 100% sure yet.

 

You are just too overbearing right now I need some time away from you?

 

Does this mean don't call email text let the other person do it?

Yes. Absoutely

Does this mean you are still together just not talking????

No you aren't together but your not free to date until they say so.

 

It's all about them wanting the ball in their court. They end up with all the control over the whole outcome.

In most cases if you push to contact you push them further away.

[Clabs]

Hey Nikkers

 

Sorry you have been spun this lame line.

 

A proper break is where either of you (or both) identify a problem with the relationship - you may too pushy - he spends all his time on the computer etc. You agree to be apart for a pre-determined amount of time and then get back to see if the issues have been addressed.

 

But in my experience - break with no such parameters = the cowards way of breaking up with you.

 

As hard a it seems, as soon as you hear those words, turn around and walk away. If he contacts you, only talk to him if he says he wants to try again - anything else is him keeping you as backup - to use you to get over you. Hanging around will just confuse the hell out of you and waste your time.

 

It happens a lot on here and it's not gender specific. The way someone breaks up with you speaks volumes about their strength of character - or lack of.

 

It does truly suck because you are left wondering why? What did you do. But it seems this is more about his issues rather than yours. But even if you press him for answer, you'd probably be fed more BS lines so why bother.

 

Make him truly experience what life is like to have you completely disappear - and look out for you now. He doesn't see the wonderful girl you are - his loss.

 

One other thing - he will likely try and contact you and if he hasn't uttered those magic and you don't respond - it is quite likely that he becomes angry with you. There is nothing wrong with you - it is just him pushing a bit of guilt your way and his anger that his safety net girl is no longer there.

 

I hope this helps honey.

 

Mark

[nikkers04]

In october he broke up with me told me it was over so I really don't think thats the case here...why wouldn't he just say its over again?

 

these were his words. I like you, you are a very likeable, loveable person. I just don't know if what we have done to each other can be fixed I need to be alone I apparently haven't been alone long enough to want to care about somone elses needs. I just need some space right now.

 

he still has some of my things and I still have some of his. He has a key to my place and he hasn't come to pick up his things...I feel terrible for some of the things i have done wrong and I know he feels the same. I know that we can work out and that we have a future I just hope he learns the same. I love him like i've never loved anyone before.

 

I asked him for a hug before I left and he said no. So i Said ok and was getting ready to leave and he grabbed me and hugged me...really hugged me not just a pitty hug here you go hug...but really hugged me

 

i really dont know what to do with out him. I'd do anything for him ANYTHING. we have come along way in our relationship I mean last week we were looking at houses...what went wrong? did he just get scared that it was getting serious?

 

again if he wanted to break up he would have said we are done I'm breakign up with you like he did the first time right?

[Clabs]

Hey nikkers

 

Remind me what you feel you did wrong back then?

 

Mark

[hockeyboy]

when someone asks for space, the best thing you can do is give them as much space as possible. disappear for a while and let them come to you

[nikkers04]

we argued alot because I was insecure after we got back together and I'd accuse him of things that were not true and it was unfair to him. The day before thanksgiving we got in a huge fight and since then I knew I had messed up all along in blaming him for things and trying to put him down I wanted him to feel how I felt and that was wrong...I realized that I had done it and have been trying to not do that anymore but now I feel i have ran out of time

[Clabs]

Hey nikkers

 

I kind of remember your threads back then - and I kind of seem to remember that it was suggested back then that you dodged a bullet because of his issues.

 

As much as it hurts, I think you ought to look at his actions and not his words.

 

It is often the case that something big like this can be a huge reality check to one party in the relationship and they run scared. I was dating a girl years and years ago - she wanted to buy a house together and I just wasn't ready.

 

The main thing to take from this is to not take full responsibilty for this - cut yourself some slack and be a bit kinder to yourself.

 

Mark

[nikkers04]

I'm looking at his actions...he hugged me...he didn't just let me walk away.

[Clabs]

Hey nikkers

 

But you had to talk him into it by the sounds of it. I don't mean that in a nasty way.

 

I am saying to look at what his current actions are. He may havugged you more out of pity than anything?

 

Mark

[nikkers04]

it wasn't a pitty hug I know those all too well. I just have to give him what he wants some space and hope that things will turn out.

[need2bme]

I think Clabs also means to look at his actions as a whole.

 

I now know, seriously, as someone once wrote here, that ""love" is a verb; "love" is an action" and someone else wrote to "watch the feet, not the lips".

 

It is so true. Not only do I understand now that I have to be aware of that coming toward me, but I also have to show the love coming from me.

 

I cannot tell her I will be patient and give her space and then smother her. If I have a tendency to do so, then I will just smother my friends and family with attention and give it to her, when she is ready. ;-)

 

Actually, I just have realized that I lost a good woman, regardless of how she was OR how it may have turned out eventually (because of the rebound sitch), because I could not keep my word and be patient; which in turn led her to believe she could not give me what I needed for love, which may or may not have been true.

[minigirl]

What if you give them the space and they never come back?

I'll ask for space but cant stand nottalking to them.

What do guys do when they ask for space?

DOnt they miss us?

[rapunzel]

I thought this post from another site was helpful:

 

link removed

[BeStrongBeHappy]

when people say they need space it is obvious that *something* isn't working and they want to escape,either for a while or permanently.

 

but 'space' is not working on problems to solve them. just for 'thinking' or 'escaping' depending on what their goals are.

 

so if someone requests space, it should be for a very clearly delineated time period, then you get together and discuss the status, and what the problems are, and what needs to be done to solve them, or whether they are even willing to work on the relationship or not or just want out.

 

an indefinite request for space should not go on for more than a couple weeks. if it goes longer, 'space' is more likely about them wanting to break up (and being cowardly), or investigating dating someone else for while to see if they like them better than you, but keeping you in the background just in case.

 

so leave him totally alone for a couple weeks, but then insist you get together and talk about what the problems are and whether he is willing to work to solve them. just disappearing for a long time doesn't fix anything or make a relationship grow.

[lonelygemini]

I think that when most people ask for space, it’s for an easy way out so they don’t look like a jerk. Plus, they’ll have you on a string in case they need to waltz back in your life again.

 

For example, if he would’ve just plain broken up with you, you would initially still want him back. Maybe in a month or so, you would have most likely faced the reality of it and started to move on. If he decides to come back at any point afterwards, he would risk you rejecting him because you would’ve decided that it’s not worth going back. You might even be in another relationship.

 

Instead he leaves by saying “You’ve been crazy, I love you, but I need space”. He hugs you and all that, then he leaves an open door. A month or two goes by. He might call once every week or so to check on you. He might pop by. He wants to get close to you, but if you protest, he’ll say “but I just needed space, we’re still cool”. You’re attached to him and can’t get into another relationship because you might “betray” him. Plus, you think, wouldn’t that give him an out to try a new relationship with someone else? Months go by and you finally realized you’ve been duped when you see/hear about his new girlfriend/wife/etc.

 

I agree with other members that say “space” should be during a prescribed time. Humans do need a little less contact sometimes. Shoot, I need space from my bf sometimes so I don’t call him every break at work or I go chill with my mom or girlfriends. But I’m not waving from the moving truck, saying, “I love you, but I need space”. That’s a cop out to me.