Still totally bewildered

[Self Discoverer]

Hello all

 

I've been lurking around this site for a few weeks and it has given me a great deal of encouragement and perspective in trying to move on after losing the love of my life. Thank You to all who contribute to this site.

 

I don't really have a question, I would just like to vent my frustration. My ex broke up with me almost five months ago and I still find myself pining for her. She hasn't even given me any hope or mixed messages but the urge to call her still dominates my consciousness.

 

The way we met seemed like fate, something that I was always very cynical about before. When I was a student I was diagnosed with renal failure and started dialysis. As you can imagine this was a traumatic time for me and I slowly shut myself off to the world, I acted cold and heartless and dropped my then girlfriend rather than let her into my hell. I also allowed many friendships to wane, not having any motivation to continue in the mental state that I was in.

 

Although I never realised at the time, this was a survival mechanism for me. Although my external appearance was brusque and severe, inside I was still the bright, intelligent man I thought I was before. Perhaps this dichotomy kept me going.

 

There was a nurse who worked on the dialysis unit who I had a huge crush on, but for many reasons I never acted on my desires. She left after a couple of years and I soon thought less of her.

 

Then, last November, after 8 years I finally got a kidney transplant. As I walked onto the transplant ward, she was there on placement. I could.t believe my luck. It was wonderful to meet her again and let her know that I wasn't the monosyllabic ignoramous that she thought I was.

 

The transplant transformed my life, both physically and mentally. I felt a surge of euphoria that have not experienced before or since.

 

During the week I was in hospital we connected and there was a real spark between us but there was never a question of anything happening. The day before I ws discharged she came to say goodbye to me for the last time. We hugged and I pecked her on the cheek. It was a very sweet tender moment which touched me. I was just so pleased to have seen her again.

 

The week after I came out of hospital a coincidence of Shakesperian proportions happened. As I went out to get some shoping, a car pulled up beside me and she got out of the car. I was shocked. We made some smalltalk and I asked for her number. I never expected her to give me it but she did and we got involved in a very loving relationship. The ease with which we connected on intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical levels was incredible and despite my natural caution, my feelings for her went from lust to smite to infatuation to love very quickly. I always thought of love creeping up on you and this was totally overwhelming on top of the euphoria I was feeling from regaining my health.

 

The relationship was very loving, despite both of us having outside pressures and went very well for six or seven months. She never let me down, I don't think I let her down and we never had a major row about anything. Then, as many of you will know only too well, came the bombshell. According to her the spark had gone and she wanted to remain as just friends.

 

I was devastated. She never told me what happened as to why her feelings changed and the not knowing still burns a hole deep inside me.

 

The only contract I've had since we broke up was to send her a Birthday card and aletter thanking her for the happiness she gave me and a short but friendly phone conversation.

 

Yet I still think about her, still want her (or my idealised image of her) and I can't seem to let her go from my heart. I keep busy but with anything I do, I want to share with her and I can't anymore.

 

I should be so happy and yet my confidence is shattered and I seem to have little motivation. Any advice as to how I can pick myself up would be welcome.

 

Sorry about the length of this missive. It has helped me put my thoughts together. Thanks for reading.

[vfunkera]

hey.

 

5 months is a very long time, and for u to be pinning on her for this long is unfair. u can't keep this up, its been nearly half a year- how long do want to be pinning for her? another 5 months, a year, even more? u are not contacting her so it should definetly have healed u now. the only thing now that seems to be holding u back is pinning and hoping that one day she will come back. i find myself wanting her back sometimes, and to be honest it kinda pisses me off. wat u need to do is to halt any thoughts u have about her whenever she creeps into ur mind. get rid of that fantasy that ur relationship is was fate and ment to be because it is only holding u back.

 

letting go is undoubtedly scary, and we start getting scared that if we do, we will lose them and those times we had together. but u will not realise how much better u are until u have actually done it.

 

good luck

[sisterlynch]

Get yourself healthy and move forward.

[Celadon]

I'm sorry to hear about your hurt. It's admirable that you two were able to break up amicably though. (I am assuming that you truly don't have feelings of anger or anything like that.)

 

I once heard of a technique for moving forward called the Goodbye Ceremony. Okay, it's not as weird as all that. Basically, just take anything you have that still reminds you of her and put things into a box one by one. Allow yourself to think about those times together, but also know that this is the time you are truly saying goodbye. Then seal up the box and put it somewhere you can't get to it.

 

If you don't have "things" that remind you of her, write a goodbye letter and don't hold back. Then seal that up and store it away.

 

The whole point is to get you to a place of acceptance that the relationship is ended. You might even start your goodbye letter with "I accept that our relationship is over."

 

I hope this helps. And btw, I don't think there's a 'schedule' for healing, so if it's going slowly, that's okay too. Just say goodbye, get involved in new and easy things, and move ahead. Best wishes.