Clingy and parinoid.. please help?

[Hitotsu]

I've been living with my girlfriend for more than a year now... and I have a serious problem.. I think I'm driving her away with my clingyness.. I know its usually the girl who is the clingy one, but I want to stop.. though I'm too parinoid to take the right steps....

 

I'll try to keep this brief.. It all started in december 07, we got in a bad argument.. She was upset about three things.. 1, she didnt want me looking at adult sites anymore, which I dont do very much anyway, so that was no problem.. 2, she wanted me to be more responsible and take more initiative, and since then I have changed myself, I'm much more responsible now and I do things on my own.. (but as of right now she doesnt know if I've really changed or not... thinking its just a ploy to keep her here..) and 3, she wanted me to get out of my current dead end job, seeing how unhappy it made me, and to find a new job... this was the most important one and I've been trying my hardest to find a new one.

 

I'm still working at that other place while I'm looking, so i dont have much daytime to job-hunt on the weekdays, I've been on a couple of interviews, but since they didnt call me back, she feels I'm not trying hard enough..

 

This argument came unfortunately with an Ultimatum.. If I couldnt find a new job, she was going to leave me and go home I know it sounds harsh but its my fault, I been at this job for a year and she's apperantly been waiting for me to do something about it for a whole year, she just wants the best for us and for our future, and I understand that, so I'm trying my very hardest to find a job...

 

soon after the argument, she stared saying things like "I'm tired of waiting" and already seemed to dicide she was sick of it and wanted to go home.... I begged her to give me one more chance, and she said "I'll give you three weeks to find a new job." and I've been trying and trying so hard.... I think she sees that since its been more than three weeks, but without actually getting offered a job, she's getting annoyed, saying nothing has changed...

 

Because of this whole ultimatum thing I've been scared and stressed to my limit, when something else happens.. lately she's wanted a lot of time to herself, saying "we've been living together for more than a year now, I think we're in the point of a relationship where we can do our own thing once in a while" I ask her if she wants to do anything with me, and she says she doesnt know..

 

she spends a lot of time on the computer talking to her friends for most of the day... and last night told me that I've been getting annoying always wanting to spend time with her. I realize that I've started to act rather clingy out of my fears

 

I've been telling her I love her so many times in a short amount of time.. I'm always trying to get her to do something with me.. I hug her whenever I pass her, she probably feels smothered... and one thing that annoys the hell out of her is something I cant stop for some reason.... when I look at her and she has this expession on her face, like she's thinking about something, or looks upset, I ask her whats wrong... she says nothing, but it seems like something is really wrong, so I ask again... she answers again and it seems like something is really wrong.. so I ask again and she usually responds with

 

"Nothing is wrong, but stop asking me or else there will be something wrong"

 

This morning she was acting distantly, probably because I annoyed her last night as well, and I asked her after she kissed me goodbye before going to work if she was mad at me and she said "no, stop asking or I will get mad at you"

 

 

You're probably thinking how sickiningly clingy I'm acting, and So am I >

 

but this fear that drove me to act this way also has me parinoid... what if I give her space and she just never comes around..? What if one of the friends she's always talking to tries to become a confidant or something... what if she sees me not bugging her, and she just lets it continue

 

I'm just really afraid of giving her very long amounts of space because I'm afraid that she may not come around... mostly because of the tension I feel right now, I know its parinoia, but its so hard to fight against..

 

Is there any advice anyone has that would help me feel more comfortable giving her the space she needs? How long would someone need to be alone if they are feeling smothered like she most likely does..? If she seems upset, should I just not ask her? since this is one of the things that bothers her most..? I'm just afraid that if I dont ask, and she never tells me.. and she just talks to her friends about it, she'll be closer to them than me... telling them her problems and leaving me in the dark...

 

I love her so much, and before this ultimatum argument I wasnt like this >

 

any help would be massively appreciated.. thanks

[jettison]

Wow. You are completely, utterly, and totally controlled and brainwashed by this woman. This isn't a relationship. This is male slavery. You've enslaved yourself to this woman by throwing yourself at her feet so often, and as most women will do when a man has done this, she's prone to walk all over you.

 

Scared of space? Space is the only thing that has a chance of changing any of this. You need space and lots of it. Every moment that you're afraid that she might leave you is a moment she's likely to want to leave you. Afraid? The worst will happen. Not afraid? Maybe something positive will happen.

 

This situation is going to require a little bit of courage on your part. You have become so codependent on this woman. In a sense, she's become your mother, and that must have been what you're looking for because she's barking commands, and you're replying with "yes ma'am".

 

Let me tell you the truth, pure and straight. This relationship will end if left on its current course. It will not work out. She will follow through on her bluff and leave you, and for your sake, I hope she does. You're not in love with this woman, but rather, you're in love with the idea of not losing her. You're in love with the idea of not letting go of a woman who treats you like crap.

 

You must feel that way about yourself or else you wouldn't let her do what she does. Next time she emotionally abuses you by barking a command and then giving you an "I'm going to leave you" ultimatum, call her bluff. Just say, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out."

 

Yes, say it with that kind of cruelty and with no emotion. If you do not start standing up for yourself then you're going to continue to get kicked in the nards. It's rare that I would suggest that someone act this aggressively, but you need to be leaving her, and not the other way around.

 

If I were you I'd preempt it. Just break up with her. I don't believe for a second that you have the gumption to do it, but it's the only right move. If you can't teach her to respect you, and you can't respect yourself then you're only in for future heartache.

[jettison]

I have to add this story...

 

My old roommate was painfully shy and rather inept around women. He had ZERO confidence, and any woman could tell that was the truth. He ended up flirting with some woman in a certificate course he was taking, and they hit it off, and then slept together. He was on top of the world. He couldn't believe his good fortune.

 

She knew it too though because he wouldn't stop talking about his good fortune. Eventually, she believed him and his word... that he had just lucked out. That she was the best thing that ever happened to him. That he was in love and would never leave her. She knew that she now had a guy, unlike her last several boyfriends, who would treat her like gold and always be true.

 

So, quite naturally, she started simply by taking him for granted. Then, she became emotionally abusive. Then, she started making absurd demands of him. Then, she threatened to leave him. When would the cycle stop?

 

One day, she called him crying, demanding that he could pick her up from work. However, he had been drinking. He had three glasses of wine with dinner and was in no shape to drive. She demanded that he drive anyway. I told him not to go. He said, "But she's saying that I have to go... how can I know go?"

 

That was the tipping point. I sat him down, and tried to spell out what was happening here. He was willing to bypass his own good judgement, put himself in harms way, risk his life, other people's lives, his career, and his own self respect just so he could appease his girlfriend. I demanded that he stand up to her. Finally, he did.

 

That was step one. She was mad, gave him the cold shoulder, treated him awfully, but eventually she gave in, apologized (for the first time ever in their relationship) and was back by his side. Once my roommate got a taste of what it felt like to stand up for yourself and not give in, he really liked the taste of it. He started doing this more, and more, and more, until one day he realized that she no longer had the same control over him.

 

She was a mean, spiteful, overbearing, heartless, cruel woman whose only pleasure in life seemed to be her attempts to manipulate and control. Finally, he broke it off with her. And for a guy that was sooooo in love only months earlier, I've never seen someone so completely elated and happy with a decision not to see the woman he so recently thought himself in love with.

 

Only a week went by, and the ex was sending him love letters, texting all day long, calling every day, pleading. Her correspondence was so over the top. The love letters were long and flowery. She was begging. That didn't work.

 

Then, she went into nice mode. "This is just a text to say I care about you". She started sending texts like these every day. He never responded.

 

Finally, she started sending the hate. "You are a terrible, pathetic excuse for a man. I never loved you. I hope you rot in hell."

 

Awww, finally. Her true feelings coming to the surface. With the way she treated him, it was pretty plain that those were her feelings the entire time.

[samantha20]

Your relationship sounds much like how my relationship was a few weeks ago before I got dumped. It's a vicious cycle because you can sense that she's on the verge of leaving you, and it is this sense which makes you clingy and paranoid. You're waiting for the bomb to go off and trying desperately to stop it happening. My girlfriend broke up with me, and after a few weeks agreed to try again. I knew because she already dumped me once that she must have had reservations and I was terrified of it happening again. I was at home for the holidays and because of this I was constantly ringing and texting her and telling her how much I loved her and was desperate for the same back. Instead she sent me about 1 text a day, that sounded more like that of a friend than a girlfriend. Then I met up with her in a city about 2 hours away for shopping and after 2 weeks of being apart she wouldn't even kiss me! I wanted to know why, and she said things that sound much like the things your girlfriend says. Things like 'stop pushing me' and 'if you don't stop pushing me there will be something wrong'.

 

Jettison's advice is good. I should have just thrown the threat back at her and broke up with her first. Instead I cried and clung to her and begged to know why she was being so mean. She broke up with me, but apologised and got back together with like an hour afterwards. It was obvious that she only reconciled with me so that I didn't go home and ruin her shopping trip, but I was so scared of losing her that I just accepted it and hoped to god she wouldn't dump me again. She promised that she wouldn't. Over the next few days she hardley spoke to me, and terrified of losing her, I constantly rang and texted her. She stopped talking to me for like 3 days, and wouldn't reply to me at all. She later told me it was because she had the flu, but I think now that she was either cheating on me with the guy she's now going out with, or just didn't want to speak to me. Although she drove me to it by making me terrified of losing her, I know that my clingyness just made evrything worse. Anyway, a few days later on new year's eve, she said that she couldn't go into the new year living a lie and that she didn't want to be with me anymore. I've recently found out that she's going out with the guy that * * * * ed up our relationship in the first place (but that's another story in another post.) Although she won't admit it I think that she was cheating on me with him throughout the holidays and that was what made her so distant. Anyway, deep down I knew that she didn't want to be with me, and this made me so terrified of losing her that I became clingy and paranoid like you. Because I kept taking her back and clinging to her, I think she lost all respect for me and realised she could treat me how she wanted.

 

Looking back, I wish I had just stood up for myself and said that if she didn't give me the attention and affection I deserved as her girlfriend, then I was going to end it. At least that way it may have made her reconsider her decision, because suddenly she wouldn't have been in control and it may have made her scared of ME leaving HER. And even if she didn't care that I had ended it, at least I would have walked away with some self respect. The result would have been the same anyway. I think you need to turn the tables of power, and make her work for YOUR affection. Don't give her a scrap of affection until she comes to you.

[Hitotsu]

Thanks both of you for such fast responses!

 

I realize that in my haste (I was getting ready for work) I left out some major details.

 

I think a big issue here is what my mind is doing, I might be blowing things up more than they already are..

 

Since she started warming up to me after the fight in december, we've been looking for a new appartment and getting her things like a car/cat that we both bought in our names, and she's been supportive of me. The thing that made her suddenly bring up the job thing again was probably my fault, a possible employer called and wanted a copy of my driving record (it was a friday) and it was raining like hell just froze over and melted outside.. I didnt go get the driving record after work because I am a little parinoid about driving in the heavy rain, 2 years ago when I started driving, I had an accident like.. not 5 days after I got my liscence due to hydroplaning.... so I didnt go that friday (this was last friday btw) DMV wasnt open sat/sunday and I had to wait till monday to get it.

 

She thought this was me not trying very hard, like waiting that one day was going to make the possible employer think that I'm not a go-getter, fearing that I may have blown this interview as well, and she's been upset about that, But she isnt constantly harping on me about it.

 

My main issue is what an idiot i've come to be acting like.. as you both mentioned, I've lost sight of everything, after reading your responses I thought about it carefully, and I have been more pre-occupied with the fear of her leaving and forgetting about everything else. before this happened, we treated each other like boyfriend/girlfriend, but now I'm just so scared not to piss her off, instead of acting like a boyfriend I must be acting like a whining little * * * * .. I'm glad you didnt spare the harsh words, I think I needed them.

 

I'm not acting like something respectable, and if I keep doing this she'll lose all respect for me. I'm buckling over and letting her walk over me because I'm scared, and I need to stand up and knock it off..

 

One thing that I believe, is that I'm creating all this trouble for myself.. one thing I didnt mention in my first post are the circumstances of her wanting space..

 

I think I do get annoying and have been unreasonable, which is why I came to ask for some sense to be knocked into me.

 

When she's on her computer, talking to her friends or playing a game, If I'm on my own computer doing my own thing, she's usually normal. If a friend of hers says something funny, she sometimes shares it with me, every now and then she'll ask "Babe, want a drink?" we have a mini fridge in the room so she can just reach over... sometimes she asks if I'm hungry and offers to go make something for me.

 

Its when I'm acting like an idiot, asking her why she's spending so much time talking there, or asking if something is wrong because she's been too quiet.. Putting myself in her shoes, those questions can get quite bothersome. but its only during these times when she gets defensive and starts telling me I'm invading her bubble and she wants time to do her own thing. So I start to say something, she gets mad, which makes me say soemthing, she gets more mad.. its a downward spiral that usually happens because I opened my mouth about something selfish, wanting to spend time with her.

 

Also, I believe I'm blowing things out of perportion... I've been so worried about not pissing her off lately, I've been acting... well, there are many words for it.. I shouldnt be expecting her to be all over me all the time. She's 21 and I'm very sure that at that age her social circle is very important to her, and I'm glad she's talking to her friends, When she first came here she didnt have anyone to talk to and I felt bad. Plus, she's on her computer, talking to her friends and playing games, She's in the same damn room, why am I getting all fustrated by that? its not like she's out somewhere with a bunch of guys. and when I dont bring up my stupid insecurities, she just acts normal, aknowledges me now and then, asks me if I need stuff...

 

on Sunday she works weekend mornings, I'm off weekends, so I cleaned up around the house and left her a note on her computer, she came home and read the note, basically saying I love you, I did some stuff around the house, random cute stuff.. anyway, she came over and sat in my lap and started kissing me, we cuddled a bunch for awhile and enjoyed each other's company, and after awhile she got on her computer and continued normal stuff. So she's normal when I dont whine and complain..

 

your responses have helped, and also, me thinking about them and typing all this out has also helped me clear my head a little and I figured a few things out.

 

did any of this stuff change how my situation looks? I know that especially in a rushed message, most of the bad points stuck out and pulsate for attention, especially if I only mention the bad things and none of the good things.

 

I mostly need the sense knocked into me i guess.. are there things I can keep in mind or keep reminding myself before I do idiotic things like this anymore? I plan to tell her tonight that I notice how i'm acting and how its hurting the relationship, and I'm planning to do it assertively and with confidence, to tell her that I want to restore the balance in the relationship and whatnot.

 

Well my break's over, I'll come back to this when I get home.

 

thanks again

[nicola1988]

your relationship sounds just like mine, except i'm a girl lol. My bf is always telling me what to do and shouting at me when i'm too quiet or do something wrong etc. The other night when i was in the shops with him i was asking him something , but i was too quiet and he went mental and walked away, but i didn't know i was being quiet plus he was a few feet away from me and i didn't wanna shout. Anyway for the first time ever i plucked up the courage to stand up for myself and i said to him find your own way home (cause i was driving) and he walked after me and said , i can't be doing with this you make me angry and irritated all the time, i need space. then he just walked away to his cousins. I really thought i would never get to speak to him again, but i went to speak to him( i know i shouldn't have), and he said to me , give me two days without any contact at all and i'll see how i feel. Ithought what is the point in that you like your space , you'll never want me back. But i got a text later on that night saying that he misses me and stuff and we talked over the net for a bit. Now he thinks if we get a flat together everything might be better. I would love to get a flat with him because i hate living with my parents , but how can i stop him from getting angry at me ?, i'm not really sure why he gets angry at me in the first place.

 

 

Sorry for butting into your thread btw

[samantha20]

He sounds like he has an anger problem that could turn into violence. He's already inflicting mental abuse on you by trying to make you feel like it's your fault that he gets angry, rather than his own inability to control his temper. You shouldn't live with him until you know for sure that he won't get angry at you all the time. If you move in with him and it get's worse, you'll end up feeling like it's your fault and you'll feel dependent on him and unable to leave.