I fell off the wagon

[smallguy]

So to summarize- week 5 since i was told my wife of 10 yrs has fallen in love with someone at work- very quickly it is getting legally sorted, we have agreed figures, assets we'll have our 2 little boys half the week each, although she works, and i am at uni so i am the main carer. All she can think about is a new life with the new guy. I have come to terms with the facts- even the times he comes to pick her up- I can't believe that is/was my wife- and here she is dating someone who she claims she loves.

 

So this has been very difficult- we cannot do nc because we are both still under the same roof- and we have not rowed, any discussions have been calm quiet and away from the kids- all very dignifyied really, until last night.

 

Yesterday was my most positive day yet, i had begun to visualise who i am and who i wanted to be- even arranged a couple of dates (not that i want to jump into anything, but casual dates i'm hoping will help me to get to know myself again) And in addition to this, i was thinking some positive but shallow thoughts- like i'm gonna get some new wheels. When I got home last night, there was a missed call on the phone- his number, now I know that she still lives here too, but, every time i go out, his number always comes up- this made me feel a little violated- so i called him, and told him in no uncertain term what i thought of him- he was mildly abusive- and that was prettty much it, although it did cause the ex alot of heartache and emotional upset- she seems to be in a right mess- and still grieving for the loss of our relationship- but her love for the new guy is too strong- been cooking since mid october- in the open since 10 december- so the whole thing is new- it all just seems a bit impusive and irrational, although i wouldn't have her back today, of course it would drive me mad- i still feel a little low, as any glimmer of hope i did have for the future was laid to rest last night because of the strength of her feelings for him and her repulsion albeit, sudden of me.

[surfjon]

Hi,

Sorry to hear your situation, she seems very irrational and moving way too quickly. Often times, these impulse walk-away-wives that have found "the one", fall on their faces down the road when they realize things aren't what they thought or hoped they would be. When they realize their mistake it's often too late.

 

Keep in mind the children though, don't follow her example by "jumping into dating" so early, especially both still in the same house. She should at least have some respect for you and the time you invested with her and NOT have the B/F calling the house, those kids really shouldn't have someone else in the picture so soon, it's very confusing for them. She's doing everything wrong and it's up to you to make right choices and be simply a dad to your kids right now.

 

Trust me, I know how the loss feels, my wife of 20 years left 6 months ago and although there was no cheating, we both agreed that our personal lives were our own but we'd not expose our kids to any other possible romantic interests in our lives until things are good and down the road, like a year or more.......

 

I've had a few casual dates, more just conversation and I'm not ready after 6 months even, I break down on the way home from these dates and imagine her sitting accross from me. It's not fair to the girls or myself right now, I still have a lot of work to do.

 

Be strong for your kids, you may want to check the thread "relationship with the ex", in the divorce area started by John Bendix, lot's of good info on handling our "ego" at this point.

 

Surf.....

[smallguy]

thanks surfjon, good advice- I am sure that alot of it is ego. I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow, and i'm actually quite excited- pretty sad eh? It is a situation that I still feel really glad that I have not put her in, as i wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yes she is moving quickly- i think more to resolve our current living situation- she says that she understands that her new relationship may not work as they have not really spent much time together, it has been phone and e-mail. i'll be on here later as she is seeing him tonight, always a tough prospect- but i hope to recapture the positivity that i saw a glimmer of yesterday as i understand the grief and pining will not make life better, i am trying to move through the process as quickly as possible- i guess like the rest of us. cheers