Relationship Addiction?

[dubbd]

Good Afternoon everyone!

 

I was hoping that some of you could perhaps give me a little bit of analysis/advice on my situation. Ive never really posted on an internet forum before regarding a personal question but I think I have exhausted everything else.

 

Please bear with me as this might be a tad long winded.

 

I have dated my current girlfriend now for about 4 years, and things are great! Her sister however, is why Im here. Her sister and I have grown to be very close friends. She is a great girl, but she is in a situation, that I want to help her get out of, but I dont know how, or even if I am right.

 

To start, I guess the first red flag went up for me, when she broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years, and with in a couple of weeks was dating a co-worker and this "dating" quickly became spending every waking hour with. At the time I didnt think much of it, as people have a tendency to rebound.

 

However, my girlfriend and her friends all knew this guy, and told the sister, this guy was bad news. He had drug/gambling/alcohol problems, and had really treated his girlfriends poorly in the past.

 

The sister disregarded all this, and ended up moving in with him, in about 2 months.

 

I tried to talk with her about him, perhaps being a rebound, and if she really thought she could see herself with him? She told me he was "different" and he was a really good guy. I trusted her judgement, and left it at that.

 

Soon however, the guy showed his true colors, and told her she was forbidden to speak with me. He also got her involved in some very dangerous situations, abused her verbally on numerous occasions, and supposedly cheated on her.

 

For some reason though, she stayed with him through all this, and even defended him when people would tell her to break up with him and that he was bad.

 

I was really frustrated because I care about her alot, and I wanted her out of the relationship, but no matter what anyone said, she wouldnt listen.

 

It was at this point that I learned about her past relationships from her sister and friends. After her frist serious boyfriend, she then started dating a married man, when she was 18. Again everyone told her he was bad news, he was known as a drug dealer around the community, as well as a user, not to mention he was married!

 

She continued to date him, for a while, and when they broke up, 1 week later, she was dating another guy (her 5 year boyfriend I mentioned earlier). The thing is, this guy was an ex of one of her friends. She moved in with him in under a month, and things seemed good, eventaully though they broke up, I will say, he was a good guy.

 

Now this brings us to today. About 2 months ago, she broke up with her most recent boyfriend, (again whom I mentioned earler) and I thought things would change!

 

She told me about her standards, how she was gonna stay single for a while, she was going to stay away from losers, she even quit smoking and drinking (not that she has a problem with booze she just drinks socially).

 

Not a week after this, she tells me, she has a date. I though to myself "oh god, here we go again." So, my girlfriend, her, her date, and myself all go out together. As we are introduced to her date, my inside voice giggled, becuase this guy was a TOTAL loser. Drinker? Check. Drugs? Check. Not even a very good looking guy (I guess thats for her to decide though ) So I figured after everything she said, she was safe.

 

WRONG!

 

The next day, she approaches me, and tells me, "Im attracted to him." My heart sunk. "Havent you learned anything," I thought to myself. She told me she wasnt gonna get serious with him, but to no avail. Today after about 2 months of dating, she is talking about moving in with him, ANY time we are going to hang out, she brings him, like she cant be away from him.

 

Even before they started officially dating, EVERYONE in her life was telling her not to date him, all her friends, all her family, even my family and my friends who have met the guy think hes a total loser.

 

The same behavior as before has started all over again. She has now begun drinking (alot more than before) she started smoking again, she is staying out all hours of the night, coming home drunk, at 2-3am on work nights, and sometimes not even coming home at all. She is ignoring all her responsibilities at home, and has become extremely distant from everyone.

 

She has an excuse for everything. She said she wasnt going to get serious with him, but that didnt last. We told her, her parents were nto going to approve of him, and she said, she just wont bring him home. When asked about how he would provide for her or children, she said she doesnt want to get married or have kids. I told her she is going through the exact same thing that she has done with her old boyfriends, and her response was "Its different this time," although this is her exact line for EVERY boyfriend she has ever had. I asked her how it was different and she couldnt answer it.

 

Im really on my last nerve here. After doing some research I think she may be a relationship addict, although I may just be to close to the situation to make a fair judgement.

 

I dont want her to be hurt, and I dont want her to date losers either, but it just seems that she is going to. It really hurts me inside to see her keep walking the same trail, but somehow she convinces herself its differnt. I guess all this came up, on friday night when she told us, "she wanted to get married to him..." after 2 months, shes talking about marriage.

 

All my friends and family are telling me to either not say anything, cause only she can change herself, or to just forget about her.

 

I see their points, but also, I wonder is there something I can do to help her? Does anyone have any input on this? Am I overreacting, or overanalyzing things? I really want to help, but I kinda feel like my hands are tied, and I dont wanna add more stress or drama to the situation.

 

Your opinions and advice is most welcome and appreciated.

 

Thank You and All the best in the new year!

[BellaKristina]

I think this stems form her insecurities from herself, maybe she doesnt feel like she can get a "good guy" maybe she doesn't feel that attractive possibly she may not be in the right environment or going about meeting guys in a productive way.

Sounds like to me she just likes to settle right down. Which i have felt the same way after a break up with a 3 1/2 year relationship, I thought every guy i met would fill his shoes...boy was I wrong. I think there is not much you can do besides letting her to try to figure it out for herself what is best for her. It is really sweet that you do care for your girlfriends sister, but some people like drama- like attention- not sure if she is one of them but I have a friend like her she gets involved with totally the wrong people after i tell her noo stay away from him. She still does it then they break up and before u know it she is in another bad situation. So I totally gave up she is old enough to handle her own- and i am hoping someday she finds happiness with a good guy but it is not my place to tell her or direct her what to do cause she will never ever listen.

[BellaKristina]

I was just thinking maybe you could try setting her up with one of your buddys? or co workers? if she likes relationships so much...at least you would know the guy

[dubbd]

haha =)

 

Thats a good idea! Actually most of the guys I know, I think I know way to much about to confidently set her up with

[Shes_abetty]

it sounds like she really does not know how to choose good men. She probably sees one good think about a guy, and runs with that.

 

I'm the type of friend who tells my friends how I see it, whether they ask or not. You're her friend, so sometime you have to step in and let her know she's clearly not seeing the obvious.

 

Right now it's heavy on your mind because you haven't talked to her about it, but once you tell her what you're feeling, it will be easier to let the situation go.

 

As you know, it's her life, but what are friends for if they aren't there to at least attempt to help you see something when you can't?