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Here goes...


I have been dating my gf for 9 months now. we were roomates for a little over a year, ended up liking each other. We got together but after 2 months I had to leave because I was traveling through South Africa ( i had planned this before we ever got together). It was so intense when we were apart because we were very much in love. I cam back and we had a very chaotic month because we were both moving to New York together.


We now live in New York and have been here for about 4 months. We live with another one of my friends. I feel like our relationship is going through a downward spiral. Things really were never the same since I came back from Africa but we still have this very intense bond and love for each other. She is my first love, and I am her first gf.


We fight all the time though and over all the same stuff. I feel like we have a bipolar relationship. We are fighting and then things are great for a couple of days and then we fight again and go through this cycle. I don't know if it is intensified because of our situation here and we are all that we have here for now, outside of work because we don't really know anyone else. But we have fought an insane amount from the beginning of our relationship. It is evident that we both have issues we need to work on.


I just don't know what to do. I love her so much but I am exhausted from the relationship I don't even really know how happy I am but I don't want to give up because I want to be with her and I want things to be ok. And I don't know if I should try to rough this rut because maybe it's the situation we are in or if I'm being stupid by not looking at the signs of something not working. We talk a lot about our problems and how to change them, but nothing seems to change because we always end up in the same spot.


I don't get it. when it's good it's perfect and when it's bad she's the last person i want to be with. Our love life has been pretty nonexistent too. I seem to always want to be intimate but she's always "too tired" or she says she doesn't feel attractive...which takes a toll on me because I feel rejected.


i need help/advice...has anyone been in a similar situation??

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Whenever you are in a position of high stress, things like this are bound to happen. My best advice would be for you (and her) to perhaps find a way to relieve some of the stress outside your relationship by doing things that make each of you happy (do you have a hobby? love to read? enjoy exercise?).


As for intimacy, perhaps for her it's an added stressor your gf cannot handle at the moment (for me its strsss relief but everyone has a different concept). Try to understand that it is not about you... she is not rejecting you, she is rejecting the idea of intinacy because she can't handle it right now.


Sounds dorky, but try finding a card to encourage her and let her know you love her despite the pressures you are both going through. Tell her how much you want to stick through this together. When fights escalate, stop, take a deep breath, and tell her you need to go for a walk to cool down. hen come back give her a big hug and try to talk through whatever it is without the added emotion.


I'm sorry for your situation, but trust me it's not a deal breaker if you love her and she loves you.

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