Hey, big problem with getting back together :(

[Funstuff]

Ok well. Im going to give you a breif description.

 

For 5 months of the realtionship i was controlling i guess you could say and never realised cause my girlfriend never came forward to me about it. Finally after 5 months shes broke up with me for it, and i realised oh my god i was controlling. So we broke up for a week and then i treated her well and got back togther. somehwere in the 5 months a co worker pecked me (wasnt a big deal w/e) BUT, after a week and a half of us getting back together the 2nd time, I didnt take my medicane for adhd and i ended up drinking a little too much at a new years party and i kissed another girl, it was meaningless and for like 5 seconds before i realised what i did. And i ran to her and told her literally 20 seconds after it happened. It was fine then 2 days later she broke up with me..

 

Because she doesnt trust me, and shes too afraid i will do it again, when i know i wont cause i dont want to drink anymore and plus i wont forget to take my medicane (I have no desicsion makeing without it pretty much) + drinking = bad.

 

Anyways back to the point.

 

She also Doesnt believe i love her.

 

So For the past week and a half we've been broken up,iv treated her the way i feel she should be treated, and she is happy with it, says it amazing and soo good.

All i ever wanted to hear is the words im happy. Thats how i know id easliy be able to maintain the way im treating her, nothing is more rewarding than that.

But ok.

 

I want her back so bad, but shes like i dont know if were ever going to get back together, she doesnt think i love her still.

 

But she still wants to do everything physical, but i told her no sex until were back together, she still calls me everyday to hang out etc.

 

Im thinking wow were almost exactly the same as when we wre going out.

 

She just tells me "i dont want a boyfriend right now"

 

 

What should i do?

 

Its only been a week and a bit.

 

Should i wait it out, a little longer and just keep doing what im doing?

 

im going to take her to the place i first asked her out in a few weeks and ask her on a date.

 

But should i keep seeing her as much as i do, and keep doing the physical things?

 

This is my first love, i dont know what to do.

 

I want her back, i made a good few mistakes, and i want to fix them.

 

She is still like i love you so much, i miss you etc.

 

But nothing hurts more then her saying i dont think you love me.

Just because i messed up for 5 seconds. I know it hurts her i wanna fix it and i dont want ot rush her.

 

But What should i do?

 

Should i just keep doing what i am for a while more and see how that turns out ?

[jettison]

My ex started saying that she didn't believe that I loved her. Looking back at it, I think that people that don't really love themselves have a very difficult time believing that anyone actually loves them. They think it's a trick. It seems like you must be deceiving them or lying to them, and evreyone hates a liar.

 

So, you can't win. It sounds like you've broken her trust, and getting it back will be arduous at best, and probably closer to impossible. Even if you're affectionate, nice, responsible, etc., she'll think that you're doing it just to please her and not because you actually love her, and you enjoy doing that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that people that don't really love themselves have a very difficult time believing that anyone actually loves them. They think it's a trick. It seems like you must be deceiving them or lying to them, and evreyone hates a liar.

 

That is so very true.

[czjnkn]

Hey Funstuff. I'm really not in that great of a position to be giving advice right now, but I went through basically the same thing. Hearing my girlfriend say that I was controlling and treating her bad, when I really didn't realize I had. By the time she broke up with me, she had thought about it so long without telling me, that she already had her mind made up.

 

You should just probably keep in mind that most likely she thought about it for awhile before she actually broke it off.

 

I tried to be the ultra nice guy and treat her perfect and do everything for her after I realized and it really didn't work. She thought it was just an act that would end, not that I was really trying to change myself. At that point she also said "I don't want a relationship right now". She wants to be single and hang out with other guys.

 

You're girl might be feeling the same way, since you had kissed another girl. Though it was only a quick and accidental mistake, she probably feels betrayed by it. Thats why she might not think you love her. She could be thinking that since you had kissed another girl, that maybe she wants to kiss another guy. That if you kissed another girl, that maybe you don't think she is the right one. I know thats probably a horrible and hurtful thing to read, but it is a possibility.

 

I hated hearing this answer, but the best thing to do is probably give yourselves a little time apart. This will give her time to actually believe that you're changing, not just saying it. Most girls will never believe that you changed in a couple days. Though she still wants to be intimate and hang out, she could be doing that as comfort right now while she decides what she really wants to do.

 

You could continue doing this thinking everything is going to work out, until all at once she says it's over and it'll hurt a hundred times worse. Just keep some space, let her know that you still care and love her, but try to make her realize it instead of forcing it on her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I absolutely agree with this. Good points.

[flower99]

Frist let me say I fully agree with Jettisons post.

 

You may not like the rest of what I'm going to say...but I'll be honest with what I'm thinking. I'm totally astonished by your non challentness (using terms like 'no big deal' - 'it was meaningless') & lack of responsibility for your actions... I can totally see why she wouldn't trust you & feels you'd do it again.

 

somehwere in the 5 months a co worker pecked me (wasnt a big deal w/e)

I didnt take my medicane for adhd and i ended up drinking a little too much at a new years party and i kissed another girl, it was meaningless and for like 5 seconds

 

By these statments I feel like you aren't taking responsibility & owning up for what you've done. You speak so lightly of it. You say the first peck was no big deal - Than why do it? personally if my lips came in contact with another mans lips, my bf would find it a big deal.

 

than the second kiss you blame on you forgeting medication & said you have no dicision making abilities without the medicine. Honestly I think you want to believe that, cause it's easier to balme it on that than to face the honest truth as to why its really so easy for you to kiss other women? At the time After you kissed the second women, the damage was done & you than realized what you had done & decieded to tell you're gf. This shows you were aware of what you were doing. And you could have made the decision NOT to kiss the girl before you kissed her.

 

Meaningless to you or not, you're not taking responsiblity for this. FULL responsibilty. How can she trust you when you say you can't control you're decisions? You have a mind and she needs to know you control your own actions. Leave the medicine out of this, this is about you using self control. it may be harder without your medicine but it's not impossible & you need to show this to your gf. And you need to really think about why you did this? and what will change? (she needs more than you'll remember your medicine) cause 2 women in 5 months that's pretty bad.

And these kisses are not meaningless to you're gf. you broke her trust in you, she gave you her heart & you were carelesss with it. You've got to own up fully for what you've done. cause I can see why she doesn't feel you love her. If my bf 'accidently had meaningless kisses with other women' I wouldn't feel very loved & couldn't feel I could trust him.

 

regarding remaining physical, that's totally up to you. Personally I would probably avoid that. it tends to complicate things & play with feelings. I would try to back up a bit & be a friend first & souly, try to build that so you can prove yourself, you're loyalty, how much you care for her.... so she can feel safe giving her heart to you again. But expect this to take time. It may be impossible like Jettison said. But it may be worth a try. I wish you luck.

[flower99]

great words...

[Funstuff]

what i ment by not a big deal. is that didnt influcne why we are broken up were over it now, and at this time its not like a topic we think of.. i still feel like and it is a big deal im just giving a breif desciption in why we broke up this time,and meaningless as in . I didnt want to kiss her girl it ment somthing. doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. I cryed for over a week, and still do to this not, over the fact she left me. Over the fact i would od somthing like that to someone i love, how i may have ruined the chances with the girl of my dreams.

I hurt myself just as much as i hurt her.

I love her, and i didnt wanna do it. And trust me, iv spent the last week and a half explaining, this situation and how im sorry and how i love her, trust me

 

i wasnt being iresponable or anything, just i sorta am tired of writeing it

but im not going to give up, i feel like for what i did.

[Funstuff]

and yes, i know i was in a rush cause i wrote that like 5 mins before i had to leave.

 

I didnt blame it on the medicane, i still take ownership for what im doing. I never told her thats why it happened. Because still i put myself in all those positions.

I know im not going to do it agian. I didnt realise how much i cared for her and how much she loved me until now.

 

I didnt realise how good it felt to see her happy, until i made her sad.

 

Im willing to wait, and im going to prove to hre i love her, i understand its probably going ot take time. and yes

 

She has a low self esteem, she doesnt think shes pretty and doesnt have high hopes for herself. Shes said stuff like "i thinkim ment ot be alone"

 

but i love her for who she is. IM going to prove that to her, i dont have to prove myself i know it may look bad but trust me im probably leaving alot out since iv typed it so much =/.

I was just sort of like

 

well

I know the statement distance makes the heart go fonder

 

but She is the one wanting ot hang out with me, and i am the one who has to prove i love her, how can i do that if i dont talk to her. So i pretty much dont call her to hang out much, she usually initates it right now.

 

im just wondering if im takeing the right approach.

[Funstuff]

she does think its a act, but thtas because last time, I acted this way, and then ended up cheating on her.

 

So right now shes back to square one and i told her to take her time, i dont want to rush her.