Very Confused - Unhappy Marriage

[jameslee_canada]

Hi there,

 

I just wanted to start out by saying thank you for reading my post.

 

Well just a little about myself I got married at the young age of 21 and I am now 25, my wife have had a difficult relationship from the start(Enduring lots of fights and spats). When we first got together everything was great, we really got along so well, then slowly things started to go sour. Just before things went sour we decided to get married, when things got worse with us after we decided to get married I guess we just ignored it at first (Hoping when we got married it would clear up things up). Well here I am now 4 years later with a little boy as well, and yes things are not as bad as before but they are still very unhappy.

 

The problem is that we fight so much, about silly stuff really. But nevertheless we fight at least once per day, it gets so tiring emotionally. We try to talk about why we fight, we think we have it solved, a day or so goes by then bang, we fight again. I have been usually good about dealing with the stress from this but lately I have been starting to avoid my wife as much as possible(I feel bad but I think its so much better then fighting).

 

Well a while ago I met this great woman, she cares about my needs, she is considerate, she seems to have a lot of the qualities that I discovered my wife lacked (after we got married). I have spent a considerable amount of time with this woman lately and I find myself falling for her, so this is where I am getting really upset because emotionally this is so hard.

 

I do not know what to do, I would honestly like to get a divorce with my wife and see where things go. Its not just because of this new woman that I want a divorce, its just that I cannot imagine such an unhappy life of always fighting. My Son is my life and I will do anything for him, whatever is best for him, but I need to be happy in life as well.

 

I do not know what do to, do I let my Son always see us fighting, or do I have him have divorced parents? I am such at a loss, if you can please offer some advice and insight I would be so appreciative.

 

Thank You

 

James

[Tonk]

Hi

 

I can only speak of my experience which is slightly different. I was married for eight years (no children which makes it much much easeir). When we got together we were so right. Then we changed although we still loved each and were best friends to the end. But the thing that kept happening was we would fight all the time we stopped doing things and things got worse and worse although on one level we were communicating we really werent listening to each other and had lost respect. We plundered on for maybe 4 years trying to make it work till we finally came to the conclusion it was better to break up rather than ruin our futures. It was still incredibly difficult and the divorce took 1 year.

 

When I reflect on it there are things we could have done differently but I think intrinsically we werent compatible. We lost respect for each other and ended up competing too much instead of supporting each other. Ok so the point I am trying to make is that sometimes its just not possible to make it work. Cant flog a dead horse. I dont know if would have been different if we had children but I know we did try to make it work and I dont think it would have made a difference. On reflection we should have probably called it quits earlier and saved ourselves some greif. So do everything you can to make it work but at some point enough is enough.

[sabena]

Hello, and I am very sorry to hear about your situation at the moment. I have two points of thought that I want to tell you. The first refers to your the quote you make about your son

 

do I let my Son always see us fighting

 

Ok, this first quote is very very important and the answer is obviously no. A lot of people worry about their children having divorced parents but I think that if you both sit down with your son, tell him you love him and be perfectly honest with him about how you and your wife feel about eachother you will be shocked to find how much he will understand. Far better for him to have two divorced but happier parents who love him than two parents who argue and are miserable. You have to think of the role model that you are showing for his future relationships, because how you behave now will mould him.

 

Secondly, have you ever thought of counselling? I know a lot of people talk about it and it can seem very daunting, but if you really have not decided to leave your wife, and you haven't from your post, then I think you should consider this. Counselling would enable you both to bring to a third party the disagreements that you are both having and the reasons why you fight. Even though counselling may not bring you back together (because sometimes it doesn't) it may steer you both on the right course for your future partners. As with your son, you could both be in a pattern with your relationships and I am sure that you both would not want to repeat what has happened this time.

 

Take care and good luck

[lali9]

I was so amazed when I read this... It felt like I was reading my life on paper. I can't really say that I have advise for you b/c I am in the same situation. I am so tired of living this way, sad, frusterated, angry. I too have one child ( a little girl ) and it hurts me when she sees us fight.

I hope to go to counsleing, although my husband is not willing, and that makes it so much harder, but either of us has had the nerve to actually leave YET.

I guess all I can say is be Open minded and try counseling, if that does not work then at least you really tried. I would say for now you should not see "the other girl" it only makes things much more complicated. Easier said than done I know, but it doesn't hurt to a least try.

If divorce is the result I think your son will be fine, because it is true, "it is better two have parents separated and Happy then together and Miserable".

Good Luck to you, I really hope everything works out.