The choices we make

[Deon]

Hi! I am so glad I came upon this website - I think it would help to talk about what is going on in my head - because I need to make a choice in my life right now. Here’s my story. I am married - we both (my wife and I) are in our late twenties. We don’t really fight; there has been good communication until recently. Thing is, we have been married for three years - going for four this year March.

 

In all the time that we have known each other, we treated each other like best friends - you would say nothing wrong with that. Thing is, the friendship has only continued after marriage - we don’t really have a sex life because of the fact that we are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I have too much respect for my wife to see her as a 'friend with benefits' - thing is we both have a high sex drive - but I don’t feel sexually attracted towards my wife - this is not a mindset. Marriage seemed like the right step to take because we have known each other so long and what better way then to marry your best friend. Big mistake. That is why friends are there for - I disagree that one should marry your best friend - because that is usually were it is going to stay. Understand me correctly; it is not only about the sex. I am a very active person and love to have friends - my wife on the other hand is not that active and she has very few friends. She only lives for me - which is wrong. We don’t share that connection that a man and wife should share.

 

Counseling - been there done that. The counselor said that we should be more honest towards each other in saying exactly how we feel - well, I wanted a divorce, my wife were devastated - never expected it. Some more counseling and we decided to skip the counseling and try to save our marriage on our own. We’ll things are better, but still the same - I still have no intimate feeling towards her. I really think that I love my wife as a friend and not as a wife. I need to be honest - I did tell this to my wife and it broke me heart to see the hurt in her eyes. Understand me correctly I am not here to get sympathy, because nothing about a divorce is easy. We have been going on like this for the past 8 months (after I said I want I divorce) and I really don’t think I can go on like this - meaning we live like friends - I really tried to look at her as my wife instead of as a friend, but I can’t. Why force something? I come from a conservative house, NO one is divorced in either of our families - so you could image what the reaction will be when we finally decide to divorce.

 

Why did we decide to get married? My wife started to look at rings and pushed me a bit to get married - at that time two couples (friends) of ours also were getting married and I think that made her decide that she were ready also - as said, for me, it seemed like the right step at that point. I dont blame my wife, it were still my decision to get married. We don’t have children yet - my wife said she is not going to push me for children (like she did with the marriage) - we need to be sure about our marriage. Emotionally, we are both very tired. This has came a long way and I know the reasonable thing to do should be to try to save the marriage. We did - but the question that I need to ask myself is - are we staying in this marriage because of our friends, family etc....or are we staying in this marriage because we love each other like man and wife. Would I die for my wife? Yes. But would any person be willing to do so for his bst friend? Personally, I think we were too young to make a big decision like marriage and sometime good people make bad choices. I don’t want to stay in a marriage were I am not able to fill my wife’s needs - to be treated like a wife and not as a friend. I think sex is an important part of marriage as well as the fact of SHOWING that you love each other. I know I love my wife, but I am not sure if I love her as a friend or man. We have no children yet and my wife is already getting 29 years old this year - we need to make a decision NOW about this marriage and decide what is best for US and not just stay in a marriage in order to keep family and friends happy.

 

Sexually there is nothing wrong with me or my wife. There is also NO other woman or man involved – this is just about two people whom were great friends, got married and stayed best friends, but the man and wife situation is not present in our marriage. Please tell me what you people think. Are we young enough to start over with our lives? I really do think that we could still be friends afterwards, maybe not best friends, but still be friends. I know for a fact that this feeling towards my wife is not depression or something like that - this feelings has been there since we got married and never left. Our sex life were right from the start not what it should be and No we did not have sex before marriage. We were dating for 4 years before we decided to get married - it were our first serious relationship which led to marriage - I think this also plays a major role in the fact that we did not have other relationships beforehand.....Please help...

[Sn0man]

You're in a hell of a situation my friend. My first reaction was that it may be some sort of depressive disorder that was causing these feeling (or lack thereof) towards your wife but you said yourself it is not. You seem to have explored all the avenues available to you both (ie: counselling). The sad fact is that if this is how you feel and nothing you've tried is changing it then it's unlikely that it's ever going to change. The best advice I can offer is to do what feels right. What's right for you is your own paradigm and nothing anyone can say is going to change it.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice - you're stuck between a rock and a hard place here and that's all there is to it.

 

My best,

 

Sn0

[wayoverit]

I think you're going thru a marriage phrase where you are just yearning to try out some sex with other women. This is a very selfish thinking. Your wife on the other hand seems to value this marriage more than you. She sticks to her vows and sounds like a very nice wife. The problem is really you. Ask yourself honestly. Are you willing to loose her to another man forever just so you can see how green the grass is on the other side?

 

Let's have a little reality check here. Do you know how many guys out there who are not as fortunate as you to have found a best friend to be their wife? You don't seem to appreciate what you have after 3 years of being together. What makes you think you will last 30 years with the second woman? It would be such a shame if you divorce her. You seem to love her so much. The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side. At this point I think there's a few option. If you lean toward your selfish way, you should just tell her you need a break from marriage because you need to get your penis some action. If she waits for your return then great, if not, then it's the end of a marriage. The second option is to either beat yourself to death with porn or medically lower your sexual desire so you can clearly do the things together as husband and wife. Try to focus some of that sexdrive toward your wife. Work with her, don't abandon her.

 

Just some ideas...

[Sn0man]

^^^ I see where you're coming from wayoferit, but he said he doesn't have anyone else in the picture - thereforeeee no greener grass. Plus he's also said that he has been trying to work on this problem in his marriage. The problem here is alot bigger than looking for something better.

[Deon]

SnOMan, thank you for the feedback, appreciate it.

 

Wayoverit - thank you for your feedback as well. Firstly, you must realize that I do not care to be judged, because no one is perfect and if you think that I am only thinking about MY needs in this marriage, then you are wrong.

 

Secondly, I think with my brain, not my penis - that is why I will not have sex in order to fill my needs and live a lie. You really think that the reason why I want to divorce is because of the sex? Sick. There are other facts like she depends too much on me for happiness, she is an introvert I am an extrovert etc....the sex part is only ONE reason why I am considering divorce. Thing is, yes I do love my wife, but as a friend. As I have already said, it is not always a good thing to marry your best friend - so don’t see me as fortunate. I appreciate every second with my wife - but when she says things like she has never been really happy in our three years of marriage and if she could go back in time, then she would only have kept being friends with me and not go for a serious relationship - if I were not able to fill her needs and make her truly happy in the three years of happiness, what makes you think it is going to change? I am not responsible for my wife’s happiness and neither is she responsible for mine. We must grow within the marriage and still allow space for each other otherwise you are only living for each other, which is wrong. I will never cheat on my wife and never even thought about what sex will be with another woman - because I am thinking with my head and not my penis....major difference.

 

I don’t assume that the grass is greener on the other side - I just want to make sure that my wife is truly happy - it that so wrong? And yes if it means that another man must give her this happiness then as much as it hurts, then it should go that way, because I cannot just 'keep' her as my wife and allow her to stay in a marriage were she is also not happy.

 

It is good to stick to one`s vows - but what the hell is the point in sticking to a vow and stay unhappy forever in a marriage just to please people like you? As said, I think we were to young to make such a decision. Sorry my friend, you cannot judge me - I have never abused my wife, verbally OR physically and have only been giving her my support were I could - what we have is good, but it is not what marriage is about and sorry to say, a marriage is not only coming from one person - there is two persons involved and that is why you cannot judge me on the decision I want to make, because although we are best friends - the 'best friends' part is not going to save this marriage - marriage is about more than just friendship and sex.

[Deon]

Snoman - well observed - it is not about the fact that I am bored with the marriage and want to get out. I love my wife - enough to let her go and give her the opportunity to be happy within a marriage. If we were to get divorced, I will not see our time together as a waist - because she has made me a better man and I believe I have made her a stronger woman in our marriage. Life is all about choices - sometimes people make bad decisions - I think one’s life should be judged as a whole and not for single incidents.

[Deon]

The only reason why I said there is nothing wrong with our sex drive is because I wanted to say there is nothing medically wrong. There is many people who have 'friends with benefits' just for the sex - but are not willing to marry that same friends, because they do not share that intimate connection. My point? Sex is not going to save a marriage that is based on only friendship.

[Sn0man]

I'd love to offer you some better advice - and it seems as though you're looking to be talked out of what you're already thinking is the inevitable. I can't talk you out of it. I don't think anyone can - but yourself. And even then only if you feel you'd be doing the wrong thing by getting a divorce. Only you know if it's the right thing or the wrong thing to do. I'd say give it time but again, you say you already have. In the end, you simply have to do what you have to do. If you don't see yourself ever having a fulfilling marriage with this woman then you won't. You'll just spend your time beating yourself up for not doing what you knew was right. Then again - there are two sides to this coin. If you get that divorce then decide later you made a mistake then you'll be beating yourself up for doing what you knew was wrong. You must do what's right for you - for both of you.

[Deon]

You are right - I know, I am the one that knows my situation best. Thing is, too other it would seem as the ideal marriage - but to us inside the marriage, it feels empty - I know it feels the same to my wife - I can see it in her eyes. We both currently go on hope, that is the only think that is keeping us in this marriage at this stage. If we were just in a serious relationship, then I would have ended it without hesitation, but now that we are married, more people are involved. To be honest, I am scared. Scared of what will happen with my wife should we divorce. If I had the certainty that she would be okay, then It would have been easier. I am passed the point were I worry about what other people (friends, family) would think, because this marriage is between US, not them. Believe me, should we divorce I will make certain that my wife get more than she is entitled to - I just want het to be happy.

 

Someone ones asked that what is the definition of a successful life? I would say, being able to say you are happy. A nice car, house etc is not going to provide you happiness, it is only temporarily. I hope God will be able to forgive me should I go through with this, she is an amazing woman. I sometimes think it would if been better if I never married at all - but believe me, I love woman too much and respect them too much to see them get hurt. That is why I need to ask myself the question - am I willing to cause allot of pain now, let her go on with her life and find happiness within a marriage - or do I stay in this marriage just because of a vow we made and let her be unhappy for the rest of her life. Children are not going to make up for the 'loss' in the marriage. That is why I want to make a decision now. If we break now, it is a 'clean' break, NO children involved. Hard words, but reality.

[Deon]

Snoman, have you been married?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If there was never any romantic connection to begin with and you have fought to try to save your marriage, to no avail, I think it is in both your bests interests to get a divorce. Short term pain for long term gain. In other words, yes, it will be hard and painful for both of you, and there will be "talk"...but in the long run you will both then be free to find someone who really knocks your socks off. A very important part of marriage is the emotional and physical connection from a romantic standpoint. Yes, it is very important to be best friends...but without the romantic connection what a relationship and marriage is all about is lost. If you are miserable now, picture yourself 1, 2, 5, 10 years down the road if you stay in this marriage. The longer you stay, the more of your life you will feel you both have wasted when you eventually do decide the marriage needs to end.