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begging me to see him then suddenly changes his mind???


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i just got off the phone with my ex and im sitting here totally confused, numb, and just plain stunned. we broke up in august but we go through these phases where he calls me all the time and we flirt and things are going great and then we get into an argument and we stop talking for a couple weeks and then he calls me again and the cycle starts over again. ive seen him one time since we broke up, he invited me over about a month ago and we had a great night together, he was kissing me and cuddling with me and being so sweet, making sure i was comfortable and gazing into my eyes. but at the end of the night we got into an argument and we didnt talk for 3 weeks. the past week hes called me 2-3 times a day, once at 5am he texted me and said "are you up? come over and rub my back i cant sleep." thats what i used to do when we were together and he couldnt sleep and it always helped him fall asleep. everytime he calls me he begs me to let him come over or he begs me to come over to his house. he says please, i just want to hold you. ill rub your back and we can cuddle. he begs me to let him take me out to dinner, to let him come over and sleep with me. he says he wants to kiss me so bad, he tells me all the things he wants to do to me. he brings up memories of when him and i were together. we finally made plans to hang out tomorrow night, hes begged me to come over for the past week and we finally made plans for it. he has mentioned this other girl that he claims hes "dating." i thought he was lying to me and just saying that to make me jealous because 1. hes not a cheater at all, hes the only boyfriend i ever trusted, and 2. he calls me all the time so theres obviously no girl around.


but i dont hear from him all day and he finally calls me at 11:30 tonight. we talk for a little bit and then he says that he cant hang out tomorrow. it totally took me by surprise because this was all totally his idea and he begged me for days. so i ask him why. and he says "its just not a good idea and i dont know i just cant." im like ummm ok why isnt it a good idea? and he says "because of this girl im dating its just not a good idea." i said "oooook thats kinda weird." and he said "no its not weird that i dont want to cheat on my girlfriend." and i said "since when is she your girlfriend?" he didnt really have an answer for that. he said something about how she was going to be keeping an eye on him for the next few days because they were hanging out earlier and one of his other ex gfs text messaged him asking him to hang out and his current girlfriend read it and got kind of mad. i just said "ok thats cool, i wasnt the one asking to hang out anyways." he said "i know." then there was a long awkward silence so he said he was gonna go and i said ok bye.


i just sat there for a long time with my phone in my hand, totally confused like what the hell just happened? either hes telling me the truth about dating some new girl or he has plans with his other ex and so hes ditching me. its confusing as hell, hes totally all about me for a week and suddenly for some reason thats hard to believe he changes his mind. i dont know if i will hear from him again? does he still have feelings for me? is he lying to me? any advice or opinions anyone?

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you just got pwnd! just kidding ofcourse. maybe he wants you back and is trying to make you jealous. if thats the case then looks like it worked. i wouldn't get all worried over it. you don't sound like you miss him much since he has to beg you for a meeting so why worry? anyway, chances are he will be calling you back. your "cycle" seems pretty consistant. and i would bet he still has feelings for you. not many people are all about someone one week then totally over them the next.

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it seems like he's trying to use you. he knows you still have feelings for him and will be there for him if he's bored, or wants a hookup, or just wants someone to rub his back.


it's not going to get any easier for you to deal with things if you keep letting him do that. he doesn't seem to have any interest in getting back together, he just wants you there for when he needs you.



you just need to stop contacting him and stop letting him contact you. if he calls or texts, just don't answer.

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we broke up because we were getting pretty serious

Thats a novel approach to love, sure. Not one I'd really recommend however


If this man loved you, why would he possibly want to go out and date other people? I think that's all the answer you need. Remember those two overused (but true) expressions...


He's just not that into you; and

Its called a breakup cause its BROKEN.


The back rubbing, the kissing, the gazing eyes, the hot/cold - it all screams of reaching for the "comforting" aspects of your relationship. The late night texts scream of worry that you won't be there as his "insurance policy" should his current situation not work out.


Don't be anyones doormat, go out and get yourself a real man.

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what i meant was that we were fighting alot, getting on each other's nerves and we were getting sick of each other and he wanted to end it before we dragged it out any longer. we had been talking about getting married and moving in together but like i said we were getting sick of each other and it just wasnt working anymore so he knew he didnt want to be with me anymore and he wanted to end it before we dragged it out any further.


i really dont think he has a girlfriend right now. mainly because if he did he would not be calling me all the time and trying to hang out with me. he is not a cheater and when he has a girlfriend he does not care about other girls. i never had to worry about him in the year that we were together. also when he has a girlfriend he wants to spend alot of time with her and he never goes out without her. but he calls me all the time, during the day, in the morning, at night. so obviously she is never with him, because i dont think she exists. also, hes been going out a lot on the weekends and sometimes during the week with his friends. when him and i were together he never wanted to go out. he said he only goes out when hes single. im almost positive that he is making this girl up, but now i just cant figure out why he would ditch me for tonight. he said it just wasnt a good idea....he was really nice about it and seemed kind of sad in a way, just the way his voice sounded he seemed like he was in a sad mood. im thinking it is either because his other ex girlfriend is showing an interest in him again and hes ditching me for her, or hes scared to get involved with me again because hes afraid of getting hurt.

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The problem is that you agreed to stay in touch with him and have flirtatious conversations without a clear discussion of the goals and boundaries. In my opinion it's dangerous to talk to an ex you have feelings for without a clear understanding of where you stand, no matter how awkward that is. It's too easy to chat casually, then get caught up in reminisicing, overreact to mild flirting, make excuses for why it's healthy to stay in touch, etc.


You have no idea if he "never thinks about other girls when he has a girlfriend" - that was just the way he was with you and if you are so sure about what you knew about him then it would have come as no surprise when the engagement talk triggered a run away reaction rather than a commitment reaction.


I've been down that path - where you are still into the person so you overanalyze everything including "he can't be seeing anyone because he calls me all the time." I used to do that "oooh he signed on at 11:30pm so that means even if he had a date it wasn't that good, he got home so early and of course he wouldn't sign on if they were together" etc.


You accepted the risks when you stayed in contact with no defined intentions or goals.

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so you dont think theres any chance that he misses me or wants me back? he just begs and begs to come over to see me or for me to come over to his house. he wanted to come over at 5:00 in the morning one night just so he could sleep with me until morning. he calls me a few times a day and we talk for a long time. then we will get off the phone and he calls me back a half hour later to talk again. when we first broke up he was not like this at all, he refused to even talk to me. he looks at my myspace all the time...he doesnt even have an account, he has his sister log on hers so he can look at mine.


it just seems like he was putting in such an effort to see me and to be such a sweetheart to me. a month ago when we hung out he was so sweet to me, kissing me on the cheek, forehead, and nose, rubbing my back, making sure i was comfortable and warm enough. he held me and asked me to stay the night with him. but we ended up getting into an argument and i walked out.


i dont understand whats going through his head and why he suddenly changed. why he ditched me and why i havent heard from him since last night.

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That's calling you for a booty call.


Putting in effort:


Wednesday afternoon - your phone rings:


he says "I would love to take you to [dinner, the theater, the opera, for a picnic , to the movies, to your favorite dessert place] on Saturday. Are you free?"


If you are busy he asks if you are possibly free Sunday or next weekend.


You say yes - he says "ok I will call you [tomorrow/Friday] to confirm time and place - I want to check out a few ideas I have that could be fun"


Then he calls when he says he will. On the day of the date he shows up on time, takes you out, listens to what you have to say, wants to get to know you again.


He tells you on the date that he is serious about wanting to work things out.


That is effort and that should be your standard - not these middle of the night "pleease come over and cuddle!" I needawarmbodyandineeditnow" call.


(oh, and what I desribed about being asked out was typical for me - it's not some idealistic version)

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