Just started dating him... not sure if he is very immature or I am sensitive

[cyberquietude]

So, I got out of a long-term emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive relationship about four years ago. I've dated a bit in the meantime, had one long-distance relationship and several friends-with-benefits type relationships---but no real romance. I haven't fallen in love in the past four years.

 

I just started dating someone about two months ago. We're both in our late 20s. He moved to the area about a year ago and moved in with his parents. (I'd be a bit put off by this, but his parents are fun to be around and quite wealthy and this is an expensive area and he has a good job---so I've accepted that it's okay that he lives at home. But I'm not sure if I'm just making excuses here. Also, I'm back in school to finish my degree, so I can't really complain that he's a late bloomer.)

 

Here's the problem: Several times a day he says things that I find offensive. He thinks he's being funny, but he'll say things like:

 

(after chatting with a girl on a plane, who later didn't seem interested in meeting me) "I guess she liked me more than you." [Not, "I'm sorry that she won't have a chance to meet you."]

 

(after I say I want to talk to him about something, late at night, in bed) "No, you should sleep." [Not, "I'm tired. Let's talk later."]

 

(after we have a minor disaster, like dropping a plate on the floor) "I think finding someone to blame is what's really important." [Not, "Let's clean this up and get back to making dinner."]

 

He also makes creepy jokes, and says that I'm creepy too. (This might be possible. I do have a dark sense of humor.) "What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice."

 

I've brought it up to him many times. I feel like I'm mentioning it several times a day, and it's really tiring. He is at the point where he sees the look on my face and knows what I'm going to say. I'm sick of being a complainer. I don't want to always be criticizing something, but the things he says really bother me. He doesn't complain about me, just says that he is happy that I am his girlfriend (which is very sweet).

 

When we first started dating, he did a lot of things I considered emotionally immature, like having a complex about his height or talking a lot about his ex-girlfriends.

 

It's only been 2 months, but I find myself staring at the ceiling at night a lot, feeling like I'm bruised all over. I'm at the point where I think we should break up. As I type this, I'm spending a night away from him just to clear my head.

 

Help! What is going on?

[Lana0120]

Sounds like you two just aren't compatible.

[Batya33]

(after chatting with a girl on a plane, who later didn't seem interested in meeting me) "I guess she liked me more than you." [Not, "I'm sorry that she won't have a chance to meet you."]

 

It depends if he said it in a joking way.

 

(after I say I want to talk to him about something, late at night, in bed) "No, you should sleep." [Not, "I'm tired. Let's talk later."]

 

I think what he said was more sensitive than what you suggested.

 

(after we have a minor disaster, like dropping a plate on the floor) "I think finding someone to blame is what's really important." [Not, "Let's clean this up and get back to making dinner."]

 

Is this said in a joking way?

 

He also makes creepy jokes, and says that I'm creepy too. (This might be possible. I do have a dark sense of humor.) "What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice."

 

I find that creepy and particularly insensitive if he knows that you were a victim of abuse (and I am sorry about that)

[ButterflyWrists]

it's just his humor, let it be. if it bothers you to the extent of thinking the relationship wont work, then the relationship isn't for you.

You cant change someone, nor should you want to, I'm not saying that you do want to, but thats what I'm getting from your post.

[wayoverit]

He's a great catch. not! Honestly he's just another lost soul still freeloading off his mommy. Late bloomer? How about not getting past puberty.

[v-neck]

You are sensitive and no tcompatible. I dated a senstive girl one time, I couldn't handle it, everything I did was analyzed, thought -thru and presented to me in all kinds of ways. If you do think like that aka nit-pick, maybe you should find a guy who is more sensitive towards you, guys are guys though, God made girls the more sensitive ones... but oh sorry that was a politically incorrect statement

 

btw: why does money and good job have a say in this? maybe i'm a romantical geared guy, but if he's a decent man who cares what he does (to a certain extent of course).

[toshiba]

He might say that he's happy you're his girlfriend which is really sweet as you say, but he's still doing things that you've told him bother you. That's not sweet.

 

Your points about what you would like to hear him say in his comments to you are valid and are more constructive than the comments that he's making. Your suggestions, however, don't seem to be working on him.

 

He sounds passive-aggressive. He tells you he's happy that you're his GF but yet makes cutting remarks to you at the same time.

 

His joke about the black eyes is both immature and frightening. I would be wary of anyone who is over the age of 14 who finds that joke funny.

 

Ask yourself why you're staying with him. Can you come up with any solid answers? It might be a good idea to write a list of both the pros and cons of your relationship with him and see which side wins.

[JadedStar]

I think this is a case of his sense of humor is off putting and not compatible to yours. Now we don't see or hear him say these things - it could be he has satiric wit and this is just his way but harmless. But not seeing him in action we don't know.

 

My gut tells me this is harmless but my gut also tells me this is not in line with your own sense of humor and this isn't going to work.

[cyberquietude]

Wow, thanks for the comments.

 

He did make each of these remarks in a joking way. I hear hostility behind them, though. Maybe I'm just reading things into it? Maybe not. Having a messed up relationship history makes me doubt my own perceptions.

 

Also, I mentioned the job and the money because it makes it clear that he's not living at home because he can't handle adult responsibilities like earning a living. I didn't want to bring up the stereotype that he lives in his Mom's basement.

 

It really sucks if we're not compatible. I like him a lot---it's this one thing that really bugs me.

[Batya33]

IMO it's not very adult to live with your parents just so you can live in an expensive area.

 

And I agree with Jadedstar. If you are sensing hostility I would keep an eye on that too and see how things develop.

[cyberquietude]

Toshiba,

 

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, exactly. I just thought maybe I was being too sensitive. Can you tell me a bit more about why you think he's being immature and passive-aggressive? I'm not sure I can put it into words.

 

I'm staying with him because he's smart, interesting, good in bed... a bunch of things. Also, I've been hurt recently because I've had crushes on several friends which resulted in friends-with-benefits relationships that went nowhere. It's nice to be with a guy who really likes me, pays a lot of attention, says he misses me, etc.

[toshiba]

 

It really sucks if we're not compatible. I like him a lot---it's this one thing that really bugs me.

 

 

Why do you like someone a lot who continues to do things that you tell him bother you?

[cyberquietude]

Thanks, Batya (and JadedStar). *sigh* I really wanted this to work.

[toshiba]

Toshiba,

 

Yeah, that's what I was thinking, exactly. I just thought maybe I was being too sensitive. Can you tell me a bit more about why you think he's being immature and passive-aggressive? I'm not sure I can put it into words.

 

He's passive-aggressive because he tells you how he's glad you're his GF but he cuts you down. Those are opposite messages, right?

 

Someone who is passive aggressive has a hard time coming out and saying how they really feel or expressing anger, so they express it in cutting remarks, usually "jokingly". This way, they get their anger or feelings out without having to act confrontational. And they always have the fallback of: "but I was only joking."

 

This leaves the recipient of these "joking" comments with nothing to argue against which can make it very frustrating to deal with. The recipient is left with nothing concrete that they can address the person with.

 

Also, I've been hurt recently because I've had crushes on several friends which resulted in friends-with-benefits relationships that went nowhere. It's nice to be with a guy who really likes me, pays a lot of attention, says he misses me, etc.

 

 

How about remaining on your own. Is that ever an option for you or do you need to have someone?

[cyberquietude]

Toshiba,

 

A few things: I have a pretty dark sense of humor too---so I can empathize with the difficulty of toning that sort of thing down. (I'm learning how off-putting it can be to people by watching him. I imagine that I've been the "creepy one" in other situations.)

 

Also, I enjoy spending time with him when he's not doing this. It's just that every hour or so, he's doing it again.

 

And, I guess, I'm lonely. I mean, I really like being alone and having my own life and the things I do. But I miss being close to someone. And I want to have a good relationship, to learn the skills I need to have a good relationship after the disaster that was my ex.

[cyberquietude]

Nah, I don't need to have someone. I've been pretty much on my own for four years. I haven't had any serious, day-in-day-out boyfriends in that time. A long distance relationship and a few frustrating dalliances with friends.

 

I'm okay being alone. I just like being with someone.

 

But this is really starting to bother me, and I think I may just have to get back to being alone again.

[Aleadragonhawk]

What it comes down to is what makes you happy, and it sounds like this relationship makes you very unhappy and on edge. That doesn't necessarily mean that he is a bad person - just not the right one for you.

[cyberquietude]

Yeah, I wonder if I know what a "real" relationship is like, after the long-term abusive one. I want to get used to being in a regular relationship, so I'm willing to make some adjustments and compromises.

[Rosee]

It's quite a new relationship and already you're feeling irritated and offended by him fairly often.

 

Some of the things you mention he said to you sound rather odd to me coming from a grown man.

 

It's good to compromise sometimes, but not your own values and character so perhaps think about what you need from someone and find someone who fits that rather than you always being the one to adjust for them.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Yeah, I wonder if I know what a "real" relationship is like, after the long-term abusive one. I want to get used to being in a regular relationship, so I'm willing to make some adjustments and compromises.

 

Compromise is necessary in any relationship, but I don't think that your emotional health and wellbeing is something that you should compromise on.

[Gath]

So, I got out of a long-term emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive relationship about four years ago. I've dated a bit in the meantime, had one long-distance relationship and several friends-with-benefits type relationships---but no real romance. I haven't fallen in love in the past four years.

 

It's only been 2 months, but I find myself staring at the ceiling at night a lot, feeling like I'm bruised all over. I'm at the point where I think we should break up. As I type this, I'm spending a night away from him just to clear my head.

 

Help! What is going on?

 

If you don't enjoy his sense of humor, you two probably aren't going to work out. He doesn't sound like a creep to me, he just sounds like a guy with a different sense of humor than yours.

 

Living with your parents is understandable in some situations (like his sounds). I have some friends making very good wages in Boston, but they still can't afford a decent place to live, so they've continue to live with their parents till they save up enough for a downpayment. If his parents are happy with it and he pulls his weight around the house, then i don't understand why its a big deal.

[Batya33]

The most important thing I did to grow and mature is to leave my parents' house - worth more than a downpayment on any mansion (I lived at home until I was 28 and finished school and I had no clue what a huge change it would be for the better). I saw the same change in my guy friends. In this case it sounds like the OP wants to live the wealthy lifestyle more than he wants to be independent and mature. She might like his parents now, but if they are cool with their son's decision that says some interesting things about their values. Might make for interesting inlaws.

 

I would feel differently if, at 25, he was going to school full time, or paying them just a little less than market rate rent and actively looking for an apartment - a temporary situation. She said he has a good job so obviously he can afford to pay rent somewhere. He should make a downpayment on his growth and maturity, in my opinion

[afrodite79]

As I was reading your post I was thinking "Wow. This guy sounds like my ex.". It's hard to tell how those comments came off because we weren't there. I think that you can tell when someone is just joking around. Even if someone says they're joking sometimes you can feel that under that joke is sincerity. He does sound immature. I agree with toshiba that he's probably being passive aggressive. I was in a relationship with a guy who'd make little offensive comments and jokes (his favorite were racial or about abusing women) all the time and it took a huge toll on my self esteem. If I said anything about it he'd argue with me and invalidate my feelings. After a while I just kept quiet as anger welled up inside me. I was angry at him for not caring about my feelings, angry at myself for having those feelings and being angry at him.

 

It's only been 2 months, but I find myself staring at the ceiling at night a lot, feeling like I'm bruised all over. I'm at the point where I think we should break up. As I type this, I'm spending a night away from him just to clear my head.

 

This part really hit close to home with me. When I was with my ex I felt that way all the time. I stayed because I thought that if I could change and stop being so sensitive everything would be okay. If you're feeling so bad that you're thinking about breaking up then break up with him. As others have said, you guys probably just aren't compatible. I spent 6 months with a guy like that before I finally broke up with him. That was 6 months too long.