la04 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I posted this in the "grief" section, too, but as no one is really responding, i thought i'd post here. i'm not feeling well. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm grieving so many things...i've lost so much that i think i'm losing myself now. i'm so sad that i don't know if i can go on. i was on here about 2 years ago. my partner (fiance) of 6 years became addicted to drugs and left me while i was at a shift at work. i came home to a letter. that was it. i picked up those pieces for the next 6 months and was certainly not over it when my father, my best friend, was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer. he was 60. i watched him suffer -- watched the cancer go to his brain, his bone, watched him die. i came back home to my empty apartment and worked for the next 6 months and then decided to pack everything into storage to travel, since he never got to. i ran away. i left with a friend, and we were there (abroad) for a week when i proceeded to get mugged at gunpoint. they took everything of value to me. and scared me. alot. i tried to stay and continue my travels, but after 3 months i just wanted to come home. only now there is no home. i have been struggling for the last 3 months to "get on my feet" and can't find a job good enough to pay enough to cover rent (i live in a big city) so i'm draining my savings, i have no car, sold much of my furniture, i hate my job...i miss my dad. i've been so depressed that my sister is "fed up" with me and has also abandoned me. now all i have is my mom and she's 6 hours away. i'm 28. i'm totally alone. i'm living below my potential in terms of career, and can't get on the right path. i am feeling like i have no reason to live and have lost all that i loved. can someone help me find something to hang on to? everyone keeps saying it will get better, but honestly i have heard that for the past 2 years, and seems to be only getting worse! so i have a hard time believing it. i try to be positive, but i just can't believe that anything will work out. i think of killing myself, too, because it seems there is nothing left here for me. sorry for the rambling post. but if anyone is out there who can help, i could really use someone. thanks for reading. Link to comment
HappyAsALark Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 What about moving to a smaller less expensive city...or closer to your mother? Link to comment
easterisland Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 i'm 28. i'm totally alone. i'm living below my potential in terms of career, and can't get on the right path. i am feeling like i have no reason to live and have lost all that i loved. can someone help me find something to hang on to? everyone keeps saying it will get better, but honestly i have heard that for the past 2 years, and seems to be only getting worse! so i have a hard time believing it. i try to be positive, but i just can't believe that anything will work out. i think of killing myself, too, because it seems there is nothing left here for me. thanks for reading. What about religion? Are you part of a church? Maybe learn to make contact with your spiritual side? Take up yoga classes or meditation or something.. Perhaps it would serve you well to stop obsessing so much about your own state of depravity and volunteer your time and energy to help those EVEN MORE in need, the very desperate that cannot take care of themselves. Or you can , if time permits, tutor someone, join some kind of community thing and be a part of something, if only to get your mind off the vicious downward self defeating cycle that its been on. Link to comment
need2bme Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 la04: I will not pretend to know what you are going through, but I do know what it is like to move away and either lose everything or have everything taken away. I am slowly but surely making it back. Granted, it has taken a while and I haven't lost my dad, but I am making it. I don't know if things will get better, but I have to keep believing that there is something we ARE all meant to do. Even if it means just being here to touch other's lives. I have no idea what I am supposed to do or even sometimes, what I want to do, I only know that being out and around people, helps me. I have worked at a low paying job to stay near my then GF and that did not work out and I have stayed at a good paying job, now, and really don't wanna be here anymore, much less do this line of work. PM, if ya want. I will read and respond... Link to comment
la04 Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 i just don't care about anything -- can't make myself do anything anymore. i think i have to end this. there's no reason for me to be here in all of this pain and causing pain to others. Link to comment
Jetta Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I'm going to give you advice you're not going to like. Go to the mental health center part of the hospital and check yourself in. You are grief stricken and anti-depressants will help, and they can help really fast if your hospitalized. If that's not an option find a mental health clinic locally they often provide services for minimal costs sometimes even free. You can come out of it, but it takes some assistance sometimes. This is coming from someone who lost everyone and everything simultaniously. Snopsis Dad died, lost my son to the system, divorced (stupid timing because his family was my support system), lost custody of my daughter. Thought I was going to die myself for months, haven't/didn't. Wanted to kill myself so told family they stopped me, mom is with me now. I said that so you will see I made it through a very difficult time, you will too, but I got help, you need help. I'm now taking meds (FYI). Perhaps someone else has better advice, but you know your spiriling down and you need someone or something that will put a stop to it and that something is likely mental health help. Death hits some of us really really hard and in unexpected ways. You will survive the loss of your father, and the surprising demise of your relationship. I am sorry she left you in such a harsh way. You deserved something more and the lack of closure is likely getting to you. Link to comment
Lora828 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 If there's nothing keeping you in that city then try somewhere new. If you're mother is all you have, hold on to her. If you try somewhere where the cost of living is less expensive, it may give you an opportunity to get on your feet, and focus on other things such as meeting new people and finding a better job. If moving away isn't an option, then yes, try to get involved with some outside activities. And keep looking for a new job! Good luck, I wish you all the best. I lost my dad to cancer a little while back, and he was my best friend. Although time doesn't heal the wounds, it makes them more bearable. Link to comment
notsoanonymous Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 If you think NOW you are causing people pain, you should imagine the pain those around you who care (and I promise there are more than you realize or acknolwedge exist) feel if you were to end your life. One of my closest friend's father leapt off the end of a dock and drowned himself a little less than 2 years ago. My was our mathematics teacher in junior high and had touched many lives. At his funeral, I watched person after person stand up and say how much he meant to them and saw jsut how missed this man really was. Don't be that person. Please, call a crisis line, check into a facility, and get the help you need. Link to comment
easterisland Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 i just don't care about anything -- can't make myself do anything anymore. i think i have to end this. there's no reason for me to be here in all of this pain and causing pain to others. Your 28? No car? No home? No money? Low paying minimum wage job? How is your health? Last I heard the Armed Forces were begging for people to join. You might consider joining a branch, such as Air Force as a last resort and a "way out". Link to comment
easterisland Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Don't be that person. Please, call a crisis line, check into a facility, and get the help you need. 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-TALK 1-800-273-8255 TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) link removed Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 What about religion? Are you part of a church? Maybe learn to make contact with your spiritual side? Take up yoga classes or meditation or something.. Perhaps it would serve you well to stop obsessing so much about your own state of depravity and volunteer your time and energy to help those EVEN MORE in need, the very desperate that cannot take care of themselves. Or you can , if time permits, tutor someone, join some kind of community thing and be a part of something, if only to get your mind off the vicious downward self defeating cycle that its been on. Like helping people here. Just having someone to talk to who has been there (like me... my only parent, my dad died of cancer when I was 22... all alone for the last 25 years.) It has never been easy, but I'll be darned if I will let it have been for nothing. Your dad would never go along with this suicide stuff, but in coming to the brink, you can have real compassion for those in our boat. PM anytime. Jeffrey Link to comment
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