Delusional Kisses Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Background story: I started talking to this guy a year and a half ago on a dating site. We talked for 9 months before we met. We had two dates after our initial meeting both of which involved sex. Then, I was "friend-zoned" with no reason for it. Over the next few months, we became SUPER close....best friends and I had to deal with several girls. Everytime, I just waited in the shadows, heart-broken, because I had fallen in love and he knew it. Fast forward to now, the newest girl broke up with him in early December and finally on Saturday night, we hook up for a VERY passionate night together (*sigh*). Anyhoo, I knew that this didn't mean we were together or anything as we discussed it prior to having sex and after having sex...it was JUST sex. Got it. I'm letting him make the rules...I assume nothing. Sunday morning, I wake up to a text that says "Do you hate me?" * * * ?! What the hell does that mean? Can we not begin this vicious cycle of me stating my undying love for you and you stating some bull about not wanting a girlfriend? This is what we have done for the past 18 months...REALLY!!! I was trying my best to remain cool about it...no biggie, so why the random, crazy text? Link to comment
tom_duley Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I don't know what the text is supposed to mean, but it sounds like he has you around as an emergency backup when other plans fall through. It is not a healthy position to put yourself in. I recommend you leave his weirdness behind and move on to better things. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I have no idea what to answer to that. My guess is mind games. So you will turn around and be like: noo! I don't hate you... and then confess all the feelings you have for him. If I where you I wouldn't answer to that text. (Just my opinion.) He said it was just sex. Now if you go and answer to him right away I'm sure you will just end up fessing up your feelings if he tries to touch the topic. Or text him back but say, no you don't hate him and then move onto another topic right away which isn't about the sex or your feelings for him. B/c I'm sure that's what he expects you to want to talk about right now. Link to comment
HappyAsALark Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Sounds like he is using you and he knows it. But you are allowing him to... The text was probably from his guilt.. Link to comment
tom_duley Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 It made more sense on the second reading. He is asking: "do you hate me because I use you." So the real question is do you tell him yes, or does he even deserve an answer? Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I vote for no answer. MIndgameZZ! Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 I agree with all the previous posts. Mind games, usery, guilt. Jeff Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 We've been through alot together. I don't think he is using me...in all honesty. We are best friends and know each other very well. He has even asked me to move out of state with him. Link to comment
HappyAsALark Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 He is using you for sex. Friends don't have sex. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 We've been through alot together. I don't think he is using me...in all honesty. We are best friends and know each other very well. He has even asked me to move out of state with him. why? that's a bit selfish on his part no offense. i'm not saying your not friends but what happens to you again when he gets a gf? your just left again on the side since of course he won't have as much time to hang out with you. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 Clearly you have deeper feelings for this guy than just friendship. He's asking if you hate him because he knows this and he can't reciprocate those feelings and he knows he's using you for sex. I think the more important question is why are you allowing this? To remain in the wings through his girlfriends and then be heartbroken over and over again, why are you doing this to yourself. It doesn't sound like the two of you are "best friends" at all. If you don't expect better for yourself, you won't receive it. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 7, 2008 Share Posted January 7, 2008 It means what it says. He knows that you want more and he doesn't so he is attempting to relieve his guilt by sending a "do you hate me" message taht he is hoping will garner him some pity. Remember you are allowing this situation to continue so you really can't blame him. You know the score. I don't think it is a mindgame as much as i think he is trying to relieve his guilt. I also disagree with those who said he is using you. You both have gone into this consensually ... you know the score and it does not sound like even once has he led you on or lied to you. He has been upfront that he doesn't want anything more and you have agreed to this situation. He is not using you - I agree with you there. Now whether or not I agree with you that he is this great best friend - that is another story. Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 8, 2008 Author Share Posted January 8, 2008 Thank you! We did both go into it consensually and I am well aware of the deal. He has never lied to me or led me on. I respect him for that as he very well could have. I wanted the sex just as much as he did, so why wouldn't anyone presume that I used him for sex? I knew he would do it afterall. As far as whether another girlfriend comes along.....well, then she does. When he has a girlfriend, he still spends most weekends hanging out with me as my friend....its not like I am left on the back burner. Link to comment
valiantv Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 There's quite a bit of negativity on this thread! Using you for sex? Making it sound like you had no choice! (Well you're not making it sound like that, Delusional, but some of the other posters on board) "Why are you allowing this"? The only reason not to allow it is if you don't like it or if it is bad for you in some way. If I were you I would ask him "Why would I hate you?", but in such a way that he answers, rather than sounding like a rhetorical question! It would be much better than having us speculate! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 >>its not like I am left on the back burner. Please see the situation for what it is... you are only his 'back up' sex alternative, not his romantic partner, so you really ARE on the back burner. he has already made it clear you are not his girlfriend nor are you his primary focus or interest. he only has sex with you when he's in the mood for sex when he doesn't have a 'real' girlfriend. as soon as he gets one, you're on the back burner again. i don't mean to be harsh, but you want so much more and a real relationship with him, and he wants only two things from you, friendship and occasional sex when he doesn't have a real romance going for himself. just because it is 'consensual' doesn't mean your hopes and expectations for WHAT it means are the same. he's satisfying a sexual itch with you when he has no girlfriend to scratch it for him, and you are seeing hearts and roses. he's very aware of the difference, and constantly checking to make sure you are too. And you are putting your own chance for a *real* romance on the back burner by focusing on him and hoping there will be more. so his text message means he feels guilty KNOWING that he only wants 'backup' sex from you when between girlfriends, and KNOWING that he doesn't have feelings for you that you do for him, and wondering if it is the right thing for you both to do. and wondering if you are getting angry that he's perfectly willing to take sex from you while repeatedly telling you you are not 'good enough' to be his girlfriend. so his text is like asking 'gee, maybe i did use her.... and maybe she's realized it and might be mad about it?' so a little status check on his part, and a reinforcement of the idea that he DOESN'T want anything but FWB. Drains the whole romance right out of it. You really do deserve more and this is a dead end for you, if you will not look for a real romance as long as you are involved with him. Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Funny thing is.....when I read all of your replies and assumptions that I want some sort of hugely romantic relationship, I feel the need to explain my personality a bit more. I am 30 years old and have never had a "relationship". I think most of its bull and the idea of hearts, flowers and romantic mumbo jumbo turns my stomach. I don't have much to do with most people and have very few close friends. As far as sex in concerned, its just sex....its not this complete and total shower or love and devotion. Its an animalistic urge. I don't want a commitment from him and have told him that several times in the past. I did, however, WANT to have sex with him and I do, however, love him. I do not expect and want him to confess his undying love for me or anything of that nature. I am WELL AWARE that he does not want me to be his girlfriend.....and I don't want that either. I have been single all of my life and don't have the slightest idea how to be anything else....even for him. Yes, I started this post worried that he regreted what we had done, but not in the same ways that were interpreted. In NO WAY do I think he USED me for sex. I was more than willing, I seduced him and I had a wonderful time doing it and if the chance presented itself again....I'm getting naked all over again. And some may think that I stop myself from being with others because of him, but I stopped myself from being with others when I was raped almost 8 years ago. I neglected to mention that, but he knew that I hadn't had consensual sex since long before the rape and possibly he thought I would hate him for that. I do not. I feel relieved. I feel grand. I am thankful that he proved to me that I could once again let someone touch me like that. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 * * * ?! What the hell does that mean? Can we not begin this vicious cycle of me stating my undying love for you and you stating some bull about not wanting a girlfriend? This is what we have done for the past 18 months...REALLY!!! I was trying my best to remain cool about it...no biggie, so why the random, crazy text? Well, your last post does clear alot up. None of us really made assumptions, just used the info given in that post^^^. In your first post it seemed as though you had asked him/want to be his gf, and that he kept saying "I don't want a gf". I got from the first post that you loved him and just where having sex b/c he wasn't giving you a commitment so you where just "taking what you got" in hopes maybe his feelings would someday change or something like that. Well.. Then the answer is really quite simple now that you cleared up that you don't want to be in a relationship nor his gf. He isn't playing mind games with you then. Did you ask him what he meant by the text? Did he clarify a bit more? Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 My reply was "why in the world would I hate you? You didn't do anything wrong and we didn't do anything wrong" His reply "Good. I'm glad and he went on to talk of normal things and we are hanging out this weekend. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Everytime, I just waited in the shadows, heart-broken, because I had fallen in love and he knew it. I agree with JeckyllnHyde. ^^^You did give the impression in your first post that you wanted more out of this relationship. If you had fallen in love and he knew it, he likely feels that you may think he's using you for sex, hence the text. Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 I agree with JeckyllnHyde. ^^^You did give the impression in your first post that you wanted more out of this relationship. If you had fallen in love and he knew it, he likely feels that you may think he's using you for sex, hence the text. You are right. I did imply that and I am in love with him, but I wouldn't know what to do with him if I had him. Does that even make any sense or am I just that screwed up? lol. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 It makes perfect sense to me!!! I recently posted something myself in the "choosing to be single" thread about this very thing. Sometimes we think we want a relationship, and once we have it find that we don't really want it. It's got nothing to do with the other person, just us not wanting that complete involvement with someone else. I totally get what you're saying. Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 It makes perfect sense to me!!! I recently posted something myself in the "choosing to be single" thread about this very thing. Sometimes we think we want a relationship, and once we have it find that we don't really want it. It's got nothing to do with the other person, just us not wanting that complete involvement with someone else. I totally get what you're saying. Which is what he "says" he wants....friendship...and not a relationship....so why in the world do we keep getting tied up in some complicated mess when its obvious that we both want the same things....or is it really not that obvious? I want his friendship...the friendship that I have been getting from him for 18 months now. I want to love him, which I do and sometimes I want to be intimate. I do not expect him to love me and I do not want him to commit to me. He said he didn't want a girlfriend because of all the rules that come with it, but I don't want to give him rules. I don't want anything different from what I have. I like to know he is there...that's all. Link to comment
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