Asking for feedback on dates

[icarus27]

I've been online dating for a while. By that I mean, contacting women online initially and progressing to in-person meetings.

 

For those who have done the same, an open question: have you considered the possibility of asking the date for feedback if she breaks it off? This is assuming, you can see past the sting of the hurt which inevitably results in these situations. So seeing past the sting, and phrasing it carefully so as not to sound bitter, you ask (most likely via email) the person what it was about the date / your interaction that led her to believe there was not enough potential here ...

 

I can think back to occasions when the date showed she was warming to signs of future potential, and kept in touch after the date (texts everyday), then a week later, comes up with the line "There was no spark". It doesn't take Einstein to figure out that she is interested in another contender, and is thereforeeee brushing me off with a standard pat answer which she knows I have no chance of arguing with. In other words, she uses a lie because it's convenient.

 

It seems a lot of us genuine daters struggle with understanding what it is we're doing wrong, if anything. And the point is, when the woman (or the one who ends it) uses lies / stock answers / cliches, we are left with no REAL information as to what went wrong. It takes a strong mindset not to sink into self-blame .... and I am sympathising with many voices on ENA, who try their best, then end up blaming themselves for a date going wrong ... when the outcome was decided by something outside their control ALL ALONG.

 

Thoughts welcome.

[rjr0815]

Just went through the whole thing. We ended up dating even though the original spark was not there. I do not think there was someone else as she closed her online account - and asked if I did as well.

 

If there is no spark, there is no spark. I tried and tried to get past it because I really liked this person.

[love4life]

You could do this but I think you'd be setting yourself up for a lot of confusion and people-pleasing. You'll get all sorts of different answers from different women, and after each one you may find yourself trying to do something different that is unnatural for you if you ask her for a reason. You run the risk of ending up with a laundry list of expectations that might not fit you.

 

The best advice I can give you is to be consistent in showing interest and asking her out; and always be polite and gentlemanly. That will get you farther than anything else.

 

Don't try to make changes based on the opinion of someone who has rejected you. She obviously isn't worth your time, anyway, so it's best to move on to the next girl.

 

Also, don't assume another guy has come along; it may just be she realizes you don't have a certain something she's looking for. Or maybe she's flaky and can't decide what she wants. Whatever the reason, it's not worth your time analyzing why she decided what she did.

[Lana0120]

Don't ask for feedback. At the end of the day, if you did do something wrong and she moved on... she probably wasn't the right one. Chances are though, she just felt like you didn't click and you didn't do anything wrong at all.

[wayoverit]

Don't ask. The end result is "you're not attractive enough to get her interested." Thinking you look like Brad Pitt's twin brother is nothing to do with attraction at all.

[icarus27]

Consensus seems to be, ask and you will get told some lies anyway. The woman will basically make up some eyewash to get you off her back quickly, and at that stage you can't rely on what she's saying.