Having Lunch w/ Ex in a few hours! Convo Help!

[EmilyE]

So most of you probably know my story, but i have been broken up for 2 months now and am doing a lot better. I know know in my head that i do not want to be with this girl, as I can find someone who will treat me much better. But, my heart still has feelings if i like it or not lol.

 

So we were best friends for 5 years before we became intimate for 2.5 yrs. So, now that she broke up w/ me, she wants to go back to being friends. I want this too, but i soon realized that i need lost of time away to get over her first (especially since she jumped into a new relationship literally 2 weeks after we broke up). Well, ive kept my distance since before xmas, but have decided to give in and have lunch with her, which i am doing today.

 

I want it to be very casual and i dont want to discuss the relationship AT ALL. I also dont want to discuss ANYTHING that has to do w/ her new relationship, her plans for the future, etc. So, I need help with ideas of stuff to talk about, cuz usually i would be like "so, how r u doing" (when i dont really want to know cuz i dont want to know shes doing good w/ this new girl), or "what are your plans for this week" (i dont want to know cuz it will include this new girl).

 

So, what can we talk about lol? stuff going on in the news? stuff we used to have in common? I am just afraid that we will end up having nothing to talk about, and bcuz there is silence, i will start talking about our past or her future lol.

 

Any advice?

[need2bme]

Are you going to the lunch, because you want to get back with him? I hate the fact that we all have to play the, "keep it cool" game. I would do it too, so I understand, but it doesn't mean I would like it.

 

It is a shame; if we want to get back with someone, we should be able to tell them.

 

Anyway, as for what to say or not to say...I can only say to keep mindful of your self-worth. Know that you are worth morre than breaking down and maybe everything else will fall into place.

[Brownsville Girl]

Yeah, I'm having a similar dinner this evening with the ex for the first time so I'd be interested in hearing input as well.

 

In your case my thoughts would be this. Have a few things in mind to talk about a head of time to be able to spear any silence and be able to steer the converstaion away from any dangerous territory. I'd have in the bank maybe a few questions. Most people like to share their opinions.

 

Where are you from? If you're in the U.S. the primaries are hot as heck. Even if you're not super political, few people have no opinion - ask her what she's thinking.

 

What common interest did you have. Part of an interest club? A book club? A sports team either directly involved or a fan? Any of these can spur a converstaion. Have you seen any good movies? Read any good books? Have you hears xxxxx new album? Oh man did you see that game?

 

I'd also have a good story about yourself to tell. A fun or a funny one. If you are able to laugh at yourself in a healthy, positive way this shows amazing confidence. Or a great experience you had with friends, somethign you accomplished at school or work...something you can tell with enthusiasim.

 

I know these may seem pretty 'shallow' but you know...it's all about small steps.

 

From most of the advice I've read here there tends to be a formula and I believe it's one for success...

 

Stay confident and positive. Smile all the time, be happy to see her but don't gush, don't stay too, too long. Be the one to say, 'we'll I'd better get going'. Don't have any expectations. Don't be afraid to say, "You know, I'm really not up for talking about that today. Maybe next visit"

 

Good luck

BVG

[need2bme]

How did it go?

[EmilyE]

It went ok...another friend actually joined it, so that helped it be very casual. I handled it very well, and afterwards i wasnt as "crushed" as i had been after past meetings. I was still sad cuz i actually really enjoyed her company and it made me miss her as a person more than anything. but, nothing about the relationship came up which is really good.

 

Brownsville Girl, how did yours go?

[Brownsville Girl]

Hey glad the date went well. A third person certainly helps ease the tension.

 

My 'date'??

Oh good grief...please allow me to vent...

 

Brief background: 3 year relationship broke up in June because of another woman; it was kind of nasty but not too bad considering. I went immediately into no contact. After about 3 months we start to exchange e-mails about every 3 weeks, all initated by him. Just small talk, how are you type stuff. I respond politely but very generically. I know he's still seeing the woman he left me for and I'm seeing someone new.

 

Now the new guy is really good looking (a first me lol), has really good job, rich, nice, smart, funny, enjoyable, down to earth and sincerely seems into me. On paper he is just about perfect. However, I like him, it's fun but still new and I haven't found my comfort zone yet. I'm not in love but I have that feeling back in my gut

 

Anyway, a week ago the ex contacts me for a "friend/catch-up" date. I've turned down two previous invites. For some reason this time I'm like '#@$%# it, life is short' lets see what he's up to. I know he's still with the woman, I don't want him back anyway; I don't even really want to be his friend. I'm happy with my dating life, but yet..And I know this is lame but there's still a part of me that's scorned and wants him to want me back. Deep down, I knew this before I went and shouldn't have gone. But couldn't admit to myself that I wasn't over it yet. Stupid pride...

 

So we have dinner and its fun and funny...we tell stories for like an hour and laughing. Then he asks if I'm seeing someone. I don't really want to talk about it a lot just because, I think its bad manners going on about my new significant other to my old significant other regardless of the circumstances. Don't you guys think so? And of course, I don't want to open the door to hearing about the woman that was the catalyst of our breakup. I told him I didn't really see the need to get into it but he kept pushing.

 

Of course I don’t' want him to think I'm not seeing someone so I try to give a minimalist answer but he keeps prodding, but I still keep it vague as possible but let him know I'm in a good situation and happy.

 

Then comes few seconds of awkward silence

OK this where I start to get mad....really freaking mad..

 

--Mind you, this isn't a young awkward man learning the ropes of a relationship; he's in his late 40's--

 

He says, “I'm really sorry about how things happened between us. Especially since I’m so really still into Lisa”

 

(He’s almost laughing when he says this)

 

So then, he goes into this half hour monologue about how awesome and into his 23 y.o. chick. I mean all these details about how volatile she is, how bad her PMS is and how he loves it and blah, blah...I mean on and on. I won't even go into it any further.

 

Who the heck does that? Is he THAT mean or THAT stupid to think that's appropriate. Or is he that insecure to feel he needs to pump himself up at someone else's expense? I'm starting to think he just maybe THAT STUPID.

 

I mean, I could have easily ranted about my new, hot, tall, smart, rich, nice guy that's better than you in EVERYway. But I would NEVER do that to someone.

 

**I sooooo should have stood my ground interrupted him and say I really don't want to hear about this, I sooooo should of followed the advice that I gave to Emily...but did I ? Nooooooooo....**

 

I just smiled and nodded and said, oh good, I'm so happy for you but I'm like * * * ??

 

I can't even explain how mad I am. I'm mad at myself because I should have known better. I so want to be over it, I did this way too early to prove to myself that I was.

 

Anger is not an emotion that I do much and I can't even describe how furious I am. I'm mad at him for being SUCH an * * * * ! And I'm mad that I'm still vulnerable enough to give crud what he's doing.

 

I've written a novel sorry....but it was a good vent thank you.

Emily, sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread.

 

Do you guys think I'm over reacting?

 

Next best, logically step is back into NC right?

 

Thanks everyone

xoxoxo

BVG

[need2bme]

BG: You are not overreacting and you are correct;

 

Who the hell does that? No one with any manners or love or even like for someone. In fact, it sounds a bit insecure to me.

 

You are correct, NC it should be.

 

Don't beat yourself up. I probably would have gone too...

[EmilyE]

That was completely insensitve of him! It just shows how immature he is and how he needs validation from his new relationship to feel signifcant. Dont worry about him...hopefully you seeing how he acted makes you realize you are better off!!!

 

I know it is going to upset you, but try to just use the anger to maintain NC. You dont need his crap!!!!

[Brownsville Girl]

Thanks guys, always helps to be validated. Sometimes I wish ENA was a bar that you could go to after work, grab a beer and bask in the unconditional love and support.

[EmotionalCreature]

Oh good grief...please allow me to vent...

 

 

It was all great until you did not tell him, politely or not, that you cannot / do not want to hear about that part of his life or maybe at least not yet anyway. Sure he may have been inconsiderate about it, but it takes to to make a conversation.

 

Sorry but I don't think it is all totally his fault. This is not just about the rope learning of relationship, sometimes it pays to be up front and honest to people about what you feel rather than let it run wild and develop negativity towards that person.

[Brownsville Girl]

I agree with you Emotional Creature. That was the reasoning behind my lament below.

 

**I sooooo should have stood my ground interrupted him and say I really don't want to hear about this, I sooooo should of followed the advice that I gave to Emily...but did I ? Nooooooooo....**

BVG

 

 

What was even worse on my part....just hours before our meeting, I go and write all this advice to Emily, in this thread, stating EXACTLY that!!... lol...All I can do is shake my head. Goes to show you, at least in my case, easier said then done.

 

I certainly don't think it's all his fault; it's not even an issue of fault. But I do think it was in poor taste and I was angry with for that. However I was angry with myself more than anything.