Can't stop obsessing!!

[luxe_13]

I am really starting to worry about myself.

 

I can't stop obsessing over this guy I was seeing and I need to stop.

 

He started off being the one more into it than me, then as soon as I found myself thinking he could really be a serious boyfriend (after a couple of months), he started to back off (he is fairly recently out of a 6yr r'ship).

 

So we've been trying to have space apart as he was clearly not as ready as he thought for a new r'ship. We're still in contact on MSN and things seem to be on good terms, but not really sure what's going to happen (if anything)

 

Since then I have been doing my head in obsessing. I google him, read forums he's posted on, look at all his pics, read other peoples posts on his Facebook. I can't stop. I feel so ashamed. It's taking over my life and now I can't stop thinking about him...constantly. I think because of my obsessing I am starting to think I am more into him than I really am. Or does it mean I really do like him?? I was so normal when things were good with us..i would never have thought about doing stuff like this. I guess maybe I feel that if I research him enough, I'll understand him better and know how to get his attention again.

 

I know I need to chill out if I want any chance of being with this guy, but it's turned into an addiction. I feel like a crazy person (which I'm sooo not!!). He would have no idea I am doing this. When I speak to him I am miss cool calm and collected to the max.

 

Is this behaviour at all normal? I've done this before with guys but maybe not as badly as this. It maybe cause he was the first guy in about 2 years that I have dated properly

 

Doesn't help that I recently got a laptop so my net surfing has become a bedtime activity.

 

Help!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>> I feel that if I research him enough, I'll understand him better and know how to get his attention again.

 

This kind of obsession is about you feeling out of control, and desparately trying to get back into control. so when you were 'fine' with him, no problem, but now you are not fine, and hence scared of losing him and trying to get him back to a point you feel in control again.

 

But the thing you need to recognize is that you may have really broken up and not realize it? if all you see him is on facebook and minimal contact, you have to recognize emotionally that this is not REAL contact and won't get you any closer to being with him. sometimes the mind panics more when you are trying to deny something that you don't want to accept. so you are trying to hang onto him any way you can, but you aren't really hanging onto him, just peeking into his life from the outside via FaceBook.

 

So you need to accept that you are not dating, and that all that peeking isn't bringing you closer, just using up your time. and recognize that you need to move on if he isn't into you...

[luxe_13]

totally get what you're saying and agree that it does make me feel closer to something that isn't quite there at the moment.

 

i'm actually fine when i'm out with friends or doing stuff away from the computer..but as soon as i am at work or hanging at home i compulsively get on the net and start obsessing all over again

 

does anyone else do this?

[renaissancewoman101]

Luxe, I know how you feel. I've been there and done that, checking up on a person, reading their posts on a forum, etc. Like you, it had to do with a short term dating situation where I liked the guy a lot and he seemed to be into me. When things were great, I was comfortable and confident and didn't chase, contact excessively or check up on him. But when the guy started to pull away and our relationship started to fizzle, I panicked and started to read up on everything about him, so I could understand why he was leaving me, or was there any way to solve the problems so we could be together again.

 

It was not a good thing and I had a hard time letting that go.

 

I don't know what advice to give you though.

[samantha20]

I'm going through the same thing. If you read some of my posts you can read my story about my relationship with my ex and how we broke up. Basically though, like you at the beginning of the relationship she was more into me than I was her. Eventually though I began to feel the same and because she seemed so into me I felt safe because I thought it meant that she wouldn't be the one to end the relationship and hurt me.

 

She did though, she dumped me 3 times in two months and kept picking me up and putting me down. It's hard to understand how things changed so much. After she dumped me the last time (New Year's eve) she has stuck by it and says she just sees me as a friend. Since then I haven't stopped thinking about her.

 

I'm constantly checking my phone to see if she has contacted me and even ring her because I know that she has no reception in her flat and if the phone rings then I'll know that she's not in. Not that it helps because that just makes me obsess over where she could be and who she might be with. I also keep checking her facebook page, and I get really jealous if I see that she has had any contact with I guy that I know wants to be with her. I even re read old text messages from her and try to analyse everything she writes to try and understand where it went wrong and how she might be feeling about things now.

 

Even though it's not good for either of us, I don't think it's abnormal behaviour. I guess it's just a way to try and cling on to that person and figure them out. I don't really have any advice on how to stop, just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one that does this!

[bettyboop401]

I do that too. Maybe it's just something we do when we don't have closure???

 

My situation's similar to yours I think...he did the chasing...I played hard to get at first and then caved. A couple of months of loverly went by and then for no reason what-so-ever (well I'm sure there is a reason...just can't see it on my end) he turned cold. And VERY cold. Would barely talk to me, glare at me if he had to talk and kept it short, stopped msging when he was msging up to 8 times a day...just stopped everything. I still don't have closure and would love a reason for the coldness...but most guys don't give any. I've even tried talking to him...he just tells me he's very busy with stuff and is sorry if he's mean...and then the next time I see him through friends the coldness and glare come back. And yet I still can't stop thinking about him unless I've got some distraction (friends etc.).

 

I guess it's just something that we have to ride out...I know it'll pass...just hard to get over that first initial bump.

 

Hope things work out!

 

Betty!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

actually, if you are fine when you are away from the computer, that is a good thing! some people get so obsessed during breakups they can't even leave the house...

 

I think it is just a temptation like a large bag of cookies sitting right there in front of you and you just can't help eating them. You're looking for your 'love' fix rather than a sugar fix.

 

So the best way to fight this is recognize that doing this is getting you no closer to getting anything you want, just killing time and making you anxious.

 

Try posting on enotalone for a week or two rather than looking at his FaceBook. You just need something to break the cycle and the habit...

[luxe_13]

thank you!

 

good to know i am not the only one. there is no easy answer i guess, except to drag myself away from th computer! i am starting to hate technology. sometimes i iwish it was bak in theday when a guy actually had to CALL a girl he was interested in. And if he didn't call you definitely knew he wasnt interested and could move on and forget about him easily,

 

i am grateful to my own sanity that i haven't totally spiralled into a depression where i can't get on with my life.

 

my life is still great..it's just coming home and going straight to the computer. it's definitely an addiction and just feels unhealthy.

 

i will try to come here now, rather than spending hours reading his forum posts from 3 years ago (sick!!).

[Sunshine75]

I've done it.

 

What I've learned is that if you can obsess about a guy, then you can obsess about something else and it's just a matter of finding something else to obsess over so you can step back from this guy and put things with him into proper perspective.

 

I've moved my "obsession" to researching perfumes, artists, music, authors - different things that I'm interested in. If you get the urge to google anything, try to google something else that you're interested in and can get caught up in. Even if it's just a silly crush on an actor or something. Google his birth date, his astrological chart, how compatible you are, his interests and past relationships, lol. Whatever would lead you on a goose chase with the other guy, let it take place with this other guy/thing.

 

You'll be surprised at how much time this can take up when you're surfing the net. I know I end up surprised. lol

 

Also, if you're a "phone checker", instead of just checking your phone, if you get an urge to talk to them, call someone else. Call your aunt that no one ever talks to and have a nice long conversation. This usually helps me to get my mind off of the guy and get the urge to talk out of my system.

 

Before I know it, I'm not as obsessed or worried.

[ghost69]

no contact will be the only way. every time you talk to this guy you are giving yourself that hope that he is just going to say 'lets be a couple' or something along those lines. cut it off. then see what happens. but keep looking.

[dennisquaid]

Hey, luxe, just wanted you to know that I totally feel for you. I've been stuck in the same situation one too many times... It's like you find yourself taking the guy for granted and then BOOM you're not and he couldn't care less. But at the same time, if you do find yourself obsessing, it's nice to tell yourself that you deserve someone better to take you out and treat you right and love you in all your insanity. Just be glad you had a relationship with him.. I constantly find that I crush on guys and even before I get to know them well enough I obsess because I lose control. A lot of these posts make me feel a whole lot better. I think it's really just because I'm a control freak to an extent and can't let go of things. I just wanted to let you know you're (obviously) not alone, and you're one BIG step ahead of some of us (like me)! But don't get down on yourself. I like to wikihow things and then I search up different mental states so that I can better understand people and I usually find I'm better off than most with serious problems, anyway.. Best of luck, babes!

[Celadon]

*bump*

 

I just found this thread. It exactly speaks to something that I do -- but want to stop doing. For me, it's more before dating (assuming there's going to be any dating). I agree, it's totally a control issue. You throw your crumbs out there to someone and if he doesn't pick them up, doesn't respond, then what's a girl to do? How long do I wait before I can take it as a no?

 

While I'm waiting, I start obsessing. Is he just busy? Not available? Did he get my message? Is he *ever* going to respond? Is he taking his time because he's scoping me out? When should I consider myself officially "rejected"?

 

And yeah, I'm online checking him out -- Facebook, link removed, online databases, you name it. It's bad.

[YakasJourney]

As a guy this thread is mildly alarming

[Celadon]

As a guy this thread is mildly alarming

LOL, YakasJourney.

 

In all seriousness, there's nothing to worry about for the guy. Researching someone is a (pointless) way to try to gain a feeling of control or a feeling of emotional attachment to the person, but the thing is, I don't really think it helps. It just kinda traps you.

 

(Insert audio: Police on megaphone, "Back away from the computer. I repeat: Put your hands in the air and back away slowly from the computer...")

[BoogerWoman]

thanks everyone here for posting on obsessing about an old flame. it is more than 4 months since my breakup with a guy i lived with 2 1/2 years. it is hard. i think about him minute to minute. i was doing alright for a few weeks, started going out, meeting and making new friends. i have moved to a new place, am doing the decorating thing and until last week when i logged onto a dating site where i noticed his profile is posted, something i never should have done, i was doing okay until that time, but still needed encouragement. the problem is i lost so many friends, i lost geography, history, furnishings, practically everything of meaning. i must begin again and it is hard. i thought i wanted this breakup at first and now that we are done and the relation is hoplessly lost, well, what's wrong with me. i am seeing a counselor. but life is a struggle. i wonder when will the pain end and when will the sky sized hole in my broken mended heart heal.

 

i like your advice, everone. thank you. right now i'm off to google and create a new obsession.

 

](*,)

[BoogerWoman]

How did you get through it? How long did it take? weeks? months? years?

 

I'm in therapy. But nothing seems to help. Should I try medication? I really don't want to take medication. Nobody is worth medication. Nobody is worth this nonsense I am putting myself through. He really succeeded in sucking the life out of me and causing me to lose my self esteem. Any advice is great news especially since somebody else out there has made it through the same thing. Thanks.

[sogarcia]

I am going through the same thing right now. I questioned my sanity and asked myself what is wrong with me.(In tears) Was I losing my mind? Is this normal and healthy? I hate it, its ridiculous, really ladies, have I no dignity? LOL. It feels to me like its more of obsessing over a loss. Not accepting that he is just not into me. Let it go and it shall set you free! We are beautiful, caring and deserve better.

[MakestheBest]

totally been there done that..doing it now...same thing he was more into it than me...I wouldnt let him get near me because he couldnt seem to make up his mind if he wanted a relationship or a friends with benefits ( although we made out a few times and used to work together) and I wasnt interested and now that he may possibly be back in a very bizarre relationship with his ex...i'm obsessing. Me personally I have a thing with a abandonment. I feel like the fact that the person isnt in it with me any more makes him feel even more like "THE ONE". Even though i know its not the case. The obsession makes you idealize them, and fade out all the bad parts of them. It DOES make you feel like you care for them more than you should. And like one poster said, you feel like you've lost control...Never fear, you're not alone. And you're definitely not crazy.

[Celadon]

I'm so glad this thread is here. I'm obsesssing over someone. It hit me like a bullet train. Last night I kept futzing around on the Internet and checking out his info, which I had already done a dozen times, instead of going to bed. There's an annoying, nagging *something* that happens that throws me off. I think it's self-doubt, combined with escapism. I want to throw myself into a relationship but I am terrified that he won't be impressed with me. I find myself wondering how to make myself more interesting to him....but I fixate on him rather than doing anything to actually boost my self esteem. Ugh.

 

Like sogarcia said, we are beautiful. I have to focus on that and not on the fact that HE'S beautiful. Lol!

[MakestheBest]

I just wonder: Do GUYS do this foolishness or is it just us girls...SO annoying.

[Celadon]

Good question, MakestheBest. There's a thread in which a guy has been FB stalking this woman he has a crush on, so my guess would be that it's mutual. But maybe it looks different in guys. I'd love to know, too!

[lipstick73]

Good question, MakestheBest. There's a thread in which a guy has been FB stalking this woman he has a crush on, so my guess would be that it's mutual. But maybe it looks different in guys. I'd love to know, too!

 

I thought I am the only one. So this guy is from work and friends with me. We both are married and leading unhappy lives with spouses which brought us together as friends. We crossed all lines as friends as we expressed our interest in each other. He actively pursued me for 2 1/2 years though nothing physical happened between us.

 

Now all of a sudden he stopped talking. He does not respond to my IMs never returns my calls or responds back to text. When in person, he is just fine as always. I am so confused why he ignores me all the time. I know its all over but I just cant accept the fact and move on.

 

I am constantly on his facebook, reading posts, his friends posts....I am going crazy, wasting time on him. Why cant I just stop obsessing and be normal. Working at the same place makes it even worse. I need to see him at a work lunch tomorrow with atleast 20 others and I am not sure how to handle it. We officially didnt break up yet. Just ignore him back? Will that be me ending by doing that? Help me please.

[Celadon]

I empathize. That's a tough spot to be in. In your situation, it's as if there's been a break up. Even tho you did not cross the line physically, you were emotionally close. It's like a rejection without the courtesy or finality of having been told. It's the ultimate insecurity trigger. Almost like an abandonment.

 

I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is not put out any effort. Your mind and more importantly your heart need to reconsider how you view him. He is now a mere acquaintance, a co-worker. I see him as representing pain to you, so just like with a hot stove, you want not to put your hand on it. Back away. No texts. No phone calls or personal emails.

 

This is all easier said than done, but it is all I can suggest. That, and can you try once again to improve your marriage?

[MakestheBest]

@lipstick73 yeah that sucks...I hate that those kinds of relationships that have all these emotional strings but are not defined so that you have no real rights to complain or have conversations when things go off the rails. In this day and age there are more and more of those kinds of relationships. My thoughts would be that you should give yourself permission to mourn your non relationship and then "move on" Hopefully he ( or something) will come around and give you more clarity. I think the answer usually comes, but not necessarily when you want it and DEFINITELY not when you're anxious and stressing about it.

 

I think either, he something happened with him with another woman either his wife or a new interest, or he became angry at the chase maybe. There is no reason to punish you with non communication either way. K8tie Kool is right, its time to reevaluate him, he might not have been as cool, sweet, wonderful as you'd thought, cause he's acting like a 12 year old.

[Celadon]

I was thinking more about my current obsession today. It's been really painful. Very hard to break free of the desire to get some sort of response or attention from him. And it occurred to me that one reason I'm so vulnerable to getting obsessed over a guy is because I'm not actively dating otherwise. Does anyone relate? And so my confidence is not really high when it comes to "making things happen" with the opposite sex. Put another way, I feel out of practice in terms of flirting with men or just being fully, confidently ME in the social sense. So instead of having self-confidence, I look for outside "approval."