Crushed.....

[whattodowhattodo]

I was involved in a relationship from May through December 2007, I was absolutely head over heels with the girl and she told me often enough that she felt the same. Her slightly secretive behaviour (I won’t go into detail here because the details are very long and complex) and refusal to let me meet her close friends and family started ringing serious alarm bells but I chose to believe her because I thought I could trust her.

 

Towards the beginning of December the alarm bells became so strong I told her if I didn't know her better and trust her implicitly i almost felt like “the other man”. Soon thereafter she broke it off with me citing family problems, the fact she was so busy with study and she had just been diagnosed with cancer and didn't want to put such a big burden on me.

 

We continued to see each other after this which turned out to be an incredibly confusing time because she would hold me, kiss me and tell me she loved me but just “couldn't be with me”.

 

Yesterday I discovered for a fact, not from her, that throughout the time I have known her she has been involved in a full on relationship with her “ex” (who is in the dark about this, im positive) which explains everything; her secrecy, lack of availability and just about everything else that caused me concern.

 

I’m absolutely devastated, how could someone I trusted implicitly abuse that position of trust for so badly and for so long?

 

I have sent her “ex” an email informing him of everything that has gone on with plenty of evidence to corroborate my story as I think he has a right to know who exactly he is involved with. Like I said, I am positive he is in the dark about this.

 

I really don’t know what to do now, I just feel so very very numb.

[MaNg0s]

I'm sorry dude. That really must hurt. Did she even have cancer or was she lying about that also ?. Just keep your distance from her move on. I know it is easier said then done but just move on. You will find someone else and in time the pain will go away.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am so sorry... It is the WORST to be involved with someone like this.

 

I'm sure she broke it off with you because you were getting too close to the truth. But that is GOOD for you because regardless of who you thought she was, she was obviously a liar and a user.

 

I dated a guy like this, whose whole life was a web of lies. He was always juggling lots of women at the same time, and when the heat was on, he told the 'i have cancer' lie too...

 

He had no conscience and telling lies got him whatever he wanted at the moment, so was just a tool he used to manage his life. He used the phoney cancer thing also to buy time to be off doing what he wanted, and who would make demands on someone who was getting treated for cancer? you would cut them all kinds of slack and go into the helping/caring mode, which is exactly what they want. in your case, it was an exit strategy, as in, if you feel sorry for her because she has cancer, you're less likely to do what you did (i.e., rat her out to her boyfriend).

 

Apparently this kind of thing is not as uncommon a thing as people think. Most people who do this are sociopaths, whose brains are just wired different than other people. They don't make genuine connections with other people, nor have empathy for them, though they do know how to act and use lies, fake emotions, and tricks to manipulate other people. fortunately they are only about 5% of the population, but that is 5% too many!

 

you might want to research sociopaths, and i'm sure you will recognize her when you read up on it! it won't heal your broken heart, that takes time, but recognizing who she really was and what she was about might help you get over it quicker, and recognize that NORMAL people don't act like this. you can also recognize the signs in the future to avoid someone like this.

[whattodowhattodo]

I'm sorry dude. That really must hurt. Did she even have cancer or was she lying about that also ?. Just keep your distance from her move on. I know it is easier said then done but just move on. You will find someone else and in time the pain will go away.

 

Hey. I don't know whether she is lying about the cancer thing, she wouldnt let me come to the hospital with her as she "didnt want me involved" but that could just be bull. Lets just say for someone who has being diagnoses with cancer she is doing a remarkable job of keeping up a hectic work and social schedule.

 

I am so sorry... It is the WORST to be involved with someone like this.

 

I'm sure she broke it off with you because you were getting too close to the truth. But that is GOOD for you because regardless of who you thought she was, she was obviously a liar and a user.

 

I dated a guy like this, whose whole life was a web of lies. He was always juggling lots of women at the same time, and when the heat was on, he told the 'i have cancer' lie too...

 

He had no conscience and telling lies got him whatever he wanted at the moment, so was just a tool he used to manage his life. He used the phoney cancer thing also to buy time to be off doing what he wanted, and who would make demands on someone who was getting treated for cancer? you would cut them all kinds of slack and go into the helping/caring mode, which is exactly what they want. in your case, it was an exit strategy, as in, if you feel sorry for her because she has cancer, you're less likely to do what you did (i.e., rat her out to her boyfriend).

 

Apparently this kind of thing is not as uncommon a thing as people think. Most people who do this are sociopaths, whose brains are just wired different than other people. They don't make genuine connections with other people, nor have empathy for them, though they do know how to act and use lies, fake emotions, and tricks to manipulate other people. fortunately they are only about 5% of the population, but that is 5% too many!

 

you might want to research sociopaths, and i'm sure you will recognize her when you read up on it! it won't heal your broken heart, that takes time, but recognizing who she really was and what she was about might help you get over it quicker, and recognize that NORMAL people don't act like this. you can also recognize the signs in the future to avoid someone like this.

 

Hey, alot of this sounds very familiar.....i'm sure she ended things because i got too close to the truth as well.

 

I know i am better off finding out now rather than at a later date but that is a small consolation. I've had my share of girlfriends before but even considering the relatively short amount of time we were together (6 months) she blew everyone else out of the water. She's the first girl i have ever told i loved. I don't understand how one human being can be so downright dishonest and immoral....

[yellow_sweater]

Holy smokes. OUCH. Wow.

 

I wish there were something I could say to make this sting a little less, but really, that sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you. Yes, you could look on the bright side, you found out sooner rather than later, but six months is plenty of time to develop strong feelings for someone.

 

Really, there are some people that are just downright dishonest and immoral, like you said.

 

Hang in there. As time goes on, it will sting less. How are you feeling now?

 

YS

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the bad news is that lying sociopaths are among the most glib and charming people in the world who use charm to draw people in, but they are also totally hollow and only interested in what other people will do for them.

 

the good news is you found out BEFORE you really wrecked your life with a marraige or kids or comingling assets with her.

 

people like her will just flutter through other people's lives like beautiful butterflies, but they are really like vampires who suck people dry of what they want from them, then fly off to the next new victim who has something to offer them.

 

they will frequently strip their partners of love, money, assets, anything, and just flit from partner to partner, being with whomever has the most to offer them at the moment, and booking out of people's lives when they get caught for who they really are, or they've drained the person of all their assets and whatever else they can get from them. if they find someone who offers them more, they are gone.

 

anyway, please DON'T think this is a normal situation... because 1 in 20 are sociopaths, there is a chance that someone may get involved with one during a lifetime, but usually not more than once, especially because you'd recognize the signs of one in the future.

 

i'm lay about 99.9% odds that she didn't have cancer, it was just a useful lie for whatever reason. classic sociopath though, where she tells the story (lie) to hook you in, but twists it around to maintain the lie (i.e., plays 'noble' about not wanting your to sacrifice to be with her for treatments), when the reality was there WERE no treatments, so she of course couldn't have you around for them.

 

anyway, consider yourself lucky to be done with her and you WILL find someone else who isn't like this. you'd have to meet and date another 20 women before you'd hit another one like this, so get out and go find someone who is worth your love and attention, and be glad you dodged a bullet on this one. you're wounded, but not destroyed. lots of people who get involved with sociopaths have their lives destroyed financially and end up deserted with kids and nothing but a bad memory of how badly they were used.

[whattodowhattodo]

It gets even better, i have been in contact with an old friend of hers who fell out with her over the summer. He said he knew that she was with her “ex” when she met me. She hooked up with her “ex” again most recently in February 2007 when she fell out with the friend she was living with at the time and needed somewhere to stay fast, despite having no real feelings for him. The friend I spoke to said that he was sure she was planning on leaving her “ex” for me when she found somewhere new to stay. She did find somewhere new to stay in September, but apparently he was incorrect about her leaving her “ex”. Not that it matters really because the damage was done the second she embarked on a relationship with me whilst still involved in a full on thing with someone else.

 

As for how i’m feeling now, relieved I guess that I have escaped, yet deeply sorrowful that the last 7 or so months of my life have been based on the most grandiose of lies and deceit.

 

Her “ex” didn’t reply to my email. I am positive he knew nothing about me so I assume he has either ended things with her and hates me for ruining his life by telling him, or has swallowed whatever he has been fed by her. I have a suspicion it is probably the latter…..