Communication key to relationships???

[winchester3]

Girlfriend calls me to tell me "Change of plans..." Every time she calls to tell me "change of plans" she starts with beating around the bush a little "how are you" and such then goes into "I hope your not angry but.... change of plans" and before conversation is over she double checks to make sure I'm ok with the change of plans. Most of the time in my mind I'm saying "Why would i be upset??". This day was like many other change of plans, I'm usually ok with it. I was getting ready, in the shower and i start thinking about it and then *POW* like a kick in the nuts theres HUGE delayed anger. I'm in the shower fuming, furious and super pissed off.

 

Anyways i call her and tell "I'm not coming", my voice set the mood for the conversation, she goes from "YAY!!!! Happy to talk to you! to upset/disappointed real fast. She says "ohhh, were probably not doing *this* but wanna come over anyways". My answer is still no b/c I'm angry, then she says "I'm busy tomorrow so we can't do anything then", I respond with "K" to which she says "I guess you don't want to see me today then", I ignored her comment. I tried to tell her i was angry and why, but all i could spew out was silence.

 

Later that night on msn i send her a message saying (in short) "Call me" she responds with "if you want to chat I'll stay up a little later ...." I didn't want to talk on msn so i ignored her and went to bed.

 

Next day i give her a call and we talk like any other conversation, no tension at all, and neither of us brought up the previous day. I'm wasn't angry any more so i didn't really care.

 

Now my question is, should i just let this go if she doesn't say anything about it. Or should i bring it up later? Me being angry isn't really the main point of this post, thats just background information. However constructive insight about either would be graciously welcoming.

[easterisland]

Maybe you should search deep within yourself and ask yourself what is really bothering you, beneath the surface of easy appearances perhaps the root cause of your frustrations and disappointments is that she doesn't place her relationship with you as a top priority. In that case it is more of a fundamental difference, and those are difficult to change..

[winchester3]

We're both young and we've actually had that "top priority" chat before. For her it was 1) Family, 2) School, 3) Herself, 4) us

For me it's 1) Family, 2) Myself, 3) us.

 

You think thats what might be bothering me? We've got a pretty good relationship, that's been the only time that comes to mind where I've been angry in respect to our relationship.

[random_stranger]

I think you should bring it up again, but don't be hostile about it. It's good that you're no longer mad or angry so it's the best time to talk about it. (You don't want to wait till it happens again and you're upset and you say something that you might regret.) Just let her know how you feel about her changing plans so often and how you feel about it. Here's a sample script, if you need one:

 

You: Honey (or insert pet/nick name), you know the other day when you called and changed plans on me and I kinda seemed irritated by it?

Her: Yea...

You: Well, I know you don't it on purpose, but I just wanted to let you know that it really bothers me when you do that because it makes me feel like you don't consider my schedule or my feelings (or insert your real reason here)

Her: Oh... I had no idea you felt that way.

You: I know you probably didn't realize it, but I'd really appreciate it if you can tell me earlier ahead of time from now on (or insert your proposed solution here)

 

 

Hopefully, that'll be good enough to get the ball rolling and open those communication gates. But once again, I must emphasize, do not put her on the defensive! Don't be like... "I hate how you're so inconsiderate all the time". Once you get her on the defensive, then she's going to attack back regardless if she thinks she's wrong or not and the conversation isn't going to go anywhere.

 

If this seems too un-manly for you, keep in mind that this is a win-win situation if you play your cards right. One, you get what you want (resolve the current issue and prevent it from reoccurring in the future). Two, you get brownie points for being the "sensitive" boyfriend and telling her how you feel.

 

Hope this helps! Goodluck! =)

[easterisland]

We're both young and we've actually had that "top priority" chat before. For her it was 1) Family, 2) School, 3) Herself, 4) us

For me it's 1) Family, 2) Myself, 3) us.

 

You think thats what might be bothering me? We've got a pretty good relationship, that's been the only time that comes to mind where I've been angry in respect to our relationship.

 

She's putting school above you and herself? Hmmm....

[winchester3]

She's putting school above you and herself? Hmmm....

 

Yeah, she's got a clear direction in life and knows what she wants. She's of the mind set where "You need wall full of degrees to succeed in life" and thats ok with me.

 

Thanks Random_Stranger, expressing how i feel is something that i know how to do, the right or wrong way depending on what direction i want the outcome to go.

[easterisland]

Yeah, she's got a clear direction in life and knows what she wants. She's of the mind set where "You need wall full of degrees to succeed in life" and thats ok with me.

 

Thanks Random_Stranger, expressing how i feel is something that i know how to do, the right or wrong way depending on what direction i want the outcome to go.

 

Hmmm. Maybe you should direct her to this site

 

link removed

 

and this one...

 

link removed

 

 

In all but a few short years (2008-2012) it will be apparent to ALL (even the common everyday people)

that a wall full of degrees will be absolutely NOTHING. She can use it as paper to wipe.

 

I don't mean to be rude at all, just trying to convey the magnitude of the situation we are in.

She will find out to little to late that it was all for nothing... Truly.

 

Ask her what is the EROEI of college degrees these days?

[stella74]

Every time she calls to tell me "change of plans" she starts with beating around the bush a little "how are you" and such then goes into "I hope your not angry but.... change of plans" and before conversation is over she double checks to make sure I'm ok with the change of plans.

 

I had a female friend who did this quite frequently and I would have the same reaction as you. I would be fine at first and then feel angry and resentful later. I realized that I felt manipulated. Unfortunately, a lot of women are taught to be nice and this leads to indirect communication as a way of avoiding hurting feelings. But sooner or later, as women mature we learn we need to be more direct.

 

How about if you tell her - in a very kind, non threatening tone of voice - that you value the time you spend together and would appreciate it if she could be more direct in her communication to you when she needs to change plans? She has to realize that just as she has every right to change plans, you have every right to be unhappy about the change. So it's not fair of her to say, "I hope you're not angry." That's manipulative.

 

Just let her know how you feel about her changing plans so often and how you feel about it.

 

I agree with this. The point is to build trust by being open with how you feel. She may not agree with your feelings or understand them, but you need to feel heard in the relationship so that you don't feel resentful.

[winchester3]

Come to think of it she does apologize far too often. I've even told her "Why are you sorry? Theres nothing to apologize for". As for manipulation? I've never thought about it like that before. I always thought of it as her way of reassuring herself that i wasn't angry with her.

 

She's the first child of an immigrant family (moved here from South America), very different culture, can't let your kids out after dark for fear of not seeing them again... type of society. So her parents are very, very protective so she has to ok everything with her parents, then if they say no a huge argument breaks out. Her hands are tied with a lot of decisions because of her parents. Her mom tries to guilt trip her into doing what she wants far too often, thus she sometimes tries it with me. Doesn't work with me though.

 

Thats the first time I've ever been upset about a change of plans though. It's not the way she tells me that i have a problem with, i don't really it made me angry this time as opposed to all the other times when I've had no problem with it.

[stella74]

Okay, I understand. So what made this last time different than the other times she's changed plans? Maybe that's something you can talk to her about and try to figure out with her.

[winchester3]

We haven't talked about it yet, but she told me that she was really upset about it too and that she hates the way her parents control what she does/where she can go and how late she can stay out. I hate it too. I don't like going to her house all that much any more. I go over maybe once or twice a month to keep her parents happy and keep good relations with her siblings.