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Love feels like...normal?


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So we've been in a relationship for a little over 4 months now. She caught my eye two years ago (waitressing at a restaurant I've been going to the entire 28 years of my life), and I never had the confidence to talk to her. We met, and she immediately told me about her past - abuse, miscarriage, ex-fiancee and all. I was nervous for the first couple of days, wondering if I was in for trouble. For a while I was.


After our second real date out, she had a bit too much to drink and when I drove her home, we ALMOST had sex. She took her clothes off and we almost did it and I stopped short of entering her, telling her "I can't do this...not to you, and not like this". She didn't understand. I held her until she went to sleep and went home.


The next date we brought up the last time we saw each other, and she said to me "You really do like me" - referring to the fact that I wanted to get to know her...not get into her pants, as that was apparently new to her. I shook my head and said, simply: "Duh...."


In the two months that followed, she had fits of anger that really strained us, and at times scared me. She had been seeing a psychologist for almost 2 years and I thought it would never work for her. When I finally was able to bring myself to "let go" of her if need be, I started to toughen up more. She flipped out on me and I walked, hurt...even dying inside. But, we hadn't officially broken up.


She filled out an anger management sheet and e-mailed it to me: She took all the situations where she flipped out on me and wrote how she will do her best to try to handle such situations better in the future, and wrote me an apology and sent me flowers at work. I wanted to make this work. I had never had a girlfriend that went through all of this for me, and I saw that she was trying.


In the weeks to come, she still flipped out, albeit less often, and we had our arguments, but I began to stand my ground more and she started to back down more. She cooked me dinner, cleaned my place up and sent me messages here and there throughout the day to let me know she was thinking of me.


The last couple of weekends we have spent together really left me worried: They consisted of helping her clean her place, do dishes, change the cat litter, take out the garbage, all her needs. And very, VERY little time for affection.


This past Friday and Saturday, in their entirety, were spent with me helping her move furniture. I thought for sure I was going to lose it - it had felt like we were married already, and while she had told me that she saw me as the one she would marry someday, all the running around was starting to get on my nerves, as it seemed to be all about her, and I was starting to feel like I was just "there", and didn't feel appreciated.


Today she surprised me - she dedicated the entire day to me and said whatever I want to do is what we will do - all day long. She took me grocery shopping, told me to sit back and relax and cooked the best damn dinner I've had in a LONG time. We popped movies in and watched them all night. And it happened. I didn't need sex with her tonight. We had started that a couple of months ago, but tonight, I just wanted to be near her. No worries about moving anything or cleaning anything, none of that. We even got into the conversation about how many people we'd slept with, and I felt a LITTLE uneasy due to my lack of experience compared to hers, but for some reason, it didn't bother me. She was with me now. In the past, I had the same conversation with previous girlfriends, and it damn near scarred me every time. But this time was different, even though her number was higher than I'd figured. It didn't bother me nearly as much as I had thought it would.


Granted, we're only four months in, and I wouldn't necessarily marry her tomorrow if it came to it, but what I'm feeling for her is unlike what I've felt about previous loves. It's not this "I'm walking on clouds" thing or "dancing through roses with the Beatles playing" thing or any of that stuff you see on TV, although there are times where it's damn near close. It just feels...normal. I find myself doing things for her that I wouldn't do for anyone else, concerned for her like I would my closest friends, laughing, smiling, and just...being. Never feeling like I had to abandon my friends or family - as that is also one of the reasons she loves me - my close ties with both. She even asked if she could start going to church with my family, as she'd lost her way in the last 5 years and her faith wasn't all there. She takes an interest in the things that are important to me. This feeling...it's so hard to explain.


A lot of people say/think that love is this thing that clubs you over the head and boom - that's it. It's been a fight for me, but I can feel it growing, not falling on my head. Almost as if she's becoming a part of me. It just feels...normal.


And I love it. I'm glad I didn't "kick her to the curb" as some people have told me. There are things about her I'm not overly fond of, and things about her I couldn't love more. I accept both.


Just wanted to let that out. Thanks for reading.

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