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Dumper Thoughts to help Dumpees of this forum:-)


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I was wondering to start this topic for a while to see everyone's experiences and feelings towards to Dumpees...


There are many many threads on Dumpee thoughts..not much on Dumpers...


I will start here...I got two kinds; bad break up and nice break ups


Bad Break Up

- I never feel to contact ever again even though there were things I liked very much about Dumpee.

- I thought about her time to time when comparing current GF...

- Always thought, I could get her back if I contact her again or apologize for the break up...

- Her negative behaviour always pushed me even further


Good Break Up

- I always felt she is cool

- I missed her while in relationship and wanted to contact and did...

- I missed her after my relationships but did not want to be obvious on my feelings...

- When Dumpee avoided me, felt more desire but could not make the big move

- Love to try out with her again but did not want to make the first move...


I will add more when I remember...And Lets keep the thread only about the subject not the current issues please!

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This is interesting to me. My breakup was neither bad or good. The breakup itself was emotional but no harsh words. WE had some spurts after and she was angry with me for a while, but no longer.


As for the last point about wanting to try again but wanting the dumpee to make the first move? WEll I think this is where my ex may be at. She implies wanting to go to old places we used to go on dates, but won't ask me.. she wants me to ask.... and she;s been doing this for a few weeks.


I'm scared to ask in fear of getting rejected and I think her pride is in the way or scared I will reject her.


What do you suggest I do?

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Yes I'd like to know as well. My ex has sent me e-mails saying she misses me alot and that she still loves me. She's begged me to add her back to my myspace page. I have rejected her add requests twice. I don't know what to do now.


It's been 18 days since we've last talked. I don't know if she stopped calling because she lost interest or because she thinks I want nothing to do with her because I rejected her add requests. My ex was the dumper by the way.

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I don't understand, if you were the one to make the break and were still interested why wouldn't you take that chance?



First of all, I am a male..adding more to my thread:


- Actually, I tried to make a contact, and she did not reply b/c I was wishy washy with my intentions...why? b/c my mind is still with the ex and dont want to drop down my pride to get her back...And deep down I am not sure she is the one either...I guess all of the above...


- When I dumped my current ex, I realized I made a mistake and I went after her like crazy and did everything to contact her. in return she dumped a year later

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well to be honest In the beginning I tried but that was the BREAK period. that period was 3 months. she had lined up 3 other guys plus me during that period. and I was thinking that she is self destructive that i still think she is, and tried hard to get her back. Out of respect for our relationship, and the love that I felt for her. but when she said breakup, that was it. So screwed up. still hurts a year later.

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My ex dumped me, it was mutual at the end I thought but it got ugly. She was like a whole different person in 4 days. She was seeing-talking to someone behind my back and never admitted it until later. Then she rebounded in 3 weeks and let her new bf take control of her life. We fought in the end and i told her to never contact me again.

I miss her at times but am not sweating it.

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Not that I have had to dump many people over the years, but on the occasions where I have... the person i was with I just didnt like and thereforeeee havent had any strong desire to remain in contact. The two people I can imediatly think of where the feeling of breakup was not mutual and I upset them doing it... as far as i was concerned it was over, i told them as bad as it was and then just let them be. I went NC with them and had to be crewl to be kind. I didnt want them in my life which is why i didnt want to be with them so why lead them on. At the end of the day i broke up with them for a reason... there was nothing there. Those where it was mutual we remained friends beacuse once the lust was over, it was all we were anyway.


This is where i get really confused by Dumpers (inc. my ex) who make such a huge deal about being best friends and soul-mates. No break up is good, but looking at my friends and my own experiences the best breakup is where the dumper just gets out of their ex's life as soon as possible. Expain and help the dumpee understand the reasons (and honesty is best) and then just GO! If they honestly dont want to be with them its for a reason so leave ASAP. This way the dumpee is heartbroken but they know its over from the start. The breakups which seem to cause the dumpee the most distress are where the dumper clings on to them which in my case broke my heart, pulled it apart and then crushed it when they seemed to just forget me. If they would genuinly like to be 'friends' then give them time and make contact six months later but they'd have to face being turned down. If being friends or having the dumpee in their life was so important then why leave them in the first palce?

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My ex dumped me but says that she wants to stay best friends. She says that she's never been so close to anyone and even though she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore, she still loves me so much and doesn't want to lose that. We were best friends before the relationship and literally spent most of our time together for nearly three years. If I keep her in my life as a best friend then we can still be close and spend loads of time together and have fun, but as the person who still has feelings for her, would it be too painful for me? Aside from that, she treated me quite badly by messing me around (she dumped me 3 times in 2 months) and kept asking for me back. I feel like if I stay friends with her then it's like I'm just forgiving the way she treated me. Part of me doesn't want to lose the best friend I've ever had and the other part thinks that being friends might be too painful. We always promised that even if we broke up we would stay best friends but now I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts?

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Hi Samantha... I guess the problem here for you is the sexual attraction from your ex and she probably treated you badley beacuse she genuinly does care about you but as awful as it is, she just doesnt fancy you. Seeing her will just keep alive your feelings and make it worse for you. I would suggest you explain how you feel and just say your not being horrible but you need some time away from her - build your life up, and so on and then in six months or when ever you feel ready there is a good chance you can then be the friends you were before you got together. The same sitution has just happened with a friend of mine and her girlfriend who decided she simply wasnt gay despite how much she loved her. The pair of them both need time but are both on good terms, there wasnt anything that happened to make them bitter to each other. Had my ex just let me get on wth my life when i asked to he hadnt done anything (apart from ditch me) to hurt me... but beacuse he didnt he set in motion a series of events that hurt me more in the long run and now friendship could be difficult.

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Thanks Vasilias! I feel like maybe I can relate to your friend. I can't help wondering if she's just in denial about liking women and is pushing me away for that reason.. A lot of our problems were to do with her being scared that people would find out, and saying that we didn't have a future together because she couldn't face people knowing that she was with a woman. She also kept saying that she isn't gay and that I'm the only woman she's ever been attracted to. She keeps flitting between those reasons and that she just sees me as a friend now. But the first time she broke up with me she said that she just saw me as a friend, and then kept coming on to me and trying to sleep with me again! So not sure if it's just a cover up for her fears about her sexuality. I guess if I stay best friends with her, I'm either going to find it difficult because I'll always be wanting more, or get drawn back into her games of picking me up and putting me down. At the same time though I just miss her SO much and keep thinking that if I was friends with her at least I could still get to be near her. Another issue is that I only have about 5 months left of living in the same town as her and I feel like I want to make the most of the time I have left with her even if that's just as a friend. Also, neither of us have that many other friends in our town and I don't want either of us to be lonely..This is so hard!!

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I am a dumper, and then a dumpee.


My boyfriend of almost 4.5 years wanted to get married. I had doubts all along and should have left him much sooner. I had emotionally checked out months before I actually left. Sad but true. I met my ex (my dumper) about 5 months before I decided to leave my ex-ex. I started up right away with my ex and he dumped me 3 months later.


My ex-ex is still quite heartbroken and it makes me very sad. He has asked me for no contact. There are things I love about him but due to his faults I could not marry him FOR LIFE. I don't believe he will change all that much. I'm still in love with my ex so could not consider reconciliation with my ex-ex....I've certainly thought about it even though the things about him that made me leave will not change.


And of course, since I work with my ex (and will see him later today) I cannot go complete NC. It's VERY hard but as they say, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I hope they're right!

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In my r'ship I think i was the dumper and then became the dumpee in the same r'ship!!!


Had an argument with her and wasn't happy with her attitude in that particular argument but even though i started to have negative thoughts i thought i'd put the argument behind me and try and move forward. However she proceeded to ignore me for a week, saying (whenever i rang) that she couldnt talk 'cos was feeling unwell and for the whole week never even asked how i was. Even though i felt hard done by in the argument i still asked her how she was etc...got a reply saying "am unwell" and this carried on for a week but not once did she ask how i was. Guess she was upset and was processing the argument in her mind and wanted space but after a week of being ignored (+ the negative thoughts i had during the argument when she wouldnt listen to a word i said) i got the hump and sent a hissy fit saying that she's too harsh and i can't handle someone who ignores me for a whole week so forget it, goodbye. So at that stage i was the dumper!! Must admit part of the reason i sent the text was to get a reaction from her as hated being ignored. Got a reply saying how can i ask how she is 1 min and tell her its over the next? Have a nice life. Bye.


Was angry for 24 hrs but then thought it was wrong to send the text and tried talking to her but she wouldnt have it and hung up. waited a few days again and tried to talking to her again but got "blasted" and she put the phone down again!!. Sent her an email apologising for hurting her etc...but it was ignored. thereforeeee i think i became the dumpee!!! or am i still the dumper??

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Most dumpers feel that they cannot change their EX's behaviour, hence they leave for good...Not look back again.


I hope that isn't the case...as I still harbor hope....just a little...while letting go....(is that possible?) for a second chance with my ex.


After 4.5 years with my ex-ex and recent time we spent together, his issues (without going into a lot of detail) are clearly here to stay. These I cannot live with and I know I cannot change and I wonder if he can change ALL that much.

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Most dumpers feel that they cannot change their EX's behaviour, hence they leave for good...Not look back again.


I hope that isn't the case...as I still harbor hope....just a little...while letting go....(is that possible?) for a second chance with my ex.


After 4.5 years with my ex-ex and recent time we spent together, his issues (without going into a lot of detail) are clearly here to stay. These I cannot live with and I know I cannot change and I wonder if he can change ALL that much.


Realize that how you feel about your ex-ex is probably how your ex feels about you. Your ex left for a reason: he didn't think you can't change all that much.

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