Out of my mind

[bellanicola003]

Hello there! I really need some help and I'm hoping someone here can help me. 8 years ago I lost my fiancee and father to my daughter in a tragic car accident (we were waiting until I graduated from college to get married). Our little one was only 22 months old and was unaware of what happened. He was really all I ever knew, my high school sweetheart, and we were together for 8 years at his passing. As you could understand I was grief stricken and mentally I changed. I really do think that this loss took soo much out of me. Not to mention 5 months before his death, I lost my grandmother who was my best friend, as well. It was like I had been hit in the face with a ton of bricks twice and I just changed. My family wanted me to go seek counseling and I did try once, but the therapist and I just did not click and I never returned.

 

Throughout the following 5 years I dated 2 guys...really didn't feel too much for them, it was basically like they were there to pass the time. But then I finished grad school, got a really good job and met this most wonderful man. We became best friends immediately, started dating 5 months after we met, and he moved in about 5 months after that. He became seriously the closest person I had ever had in my life and the father figure my daughter never had. During this time I took a promotion that came my way in which I would have to work about 10-10 1/2 hours a day, taking me away from my family and a lot of things that I loved. I took the job because my bf said it was good for me to do, make the extra money and that it was only 1 year. Well...it ended up taking too much out of me, I started getting panic attacks,and just became very depressed. I became so unaware that I wasn't doing what I used to around the house...even when my year on the job was over and all the stress was done, I was still just so depressed and wasn't even aware of it. I thought that everything was fine and for me it was...my bf was going everything around the house - I mean, I did help, it's not like I was completely useless, but the person that I was before this new position was no longer there. We soon got engaged and my fiancee thought that I would return back to the person that I used to be, you know...after all the hoopla of the year was over. But I was so unawarely depressed that I only became worse.

 

Needless to say, we began to argue all the time and after one HUGE argument he ended up going back to stay with his parents for a while. We tried to work things out but I think he became so disgusted with the mean and ignorant person that I had become that there was not much trying in him anymore. So...after a month of trying to make it work, we failed after another huge argument in which I started, but that he became really out of control about - I guess it all just got to him.

 

Now, after a few months of no contact and seeing one another at work and just ignoring one another (well I ignored him) I saw him out one evening and he asked if we could talk. So...we did, until about 4:30 in the morning and since then we have been talking and going out on dates - basically taking it slow. We decided before New Years that we are a couple again. But no matter what he says to me - I love you, your amazing, etc, I will feel good for that time and then the next day I need to hear more.

 

I guess he's just not acting like I thought he would or maybe it's just hard for me to be living like this when we did everything together before. Am I just needy? I just want him to try to win me back. To show me something. For Christmas we didn't even see one another because he was with his family and then he didn't even finish my shopping so we could exchange gifts. Then the whole week after Christmas he didn't even make it out to finish the shopping and then caught the flu and has been at home sick in bed - he even had to go to the ER because he was so sick. I just don't feel like I'm getting what I want and he tells me that I'm crazy. That yes, maybe he needs to do more for me, but that he loves me and wants me, wants us...what should I do? Is it just me or what?

[KG]

bella,

My 2 cents...I think you are a different person now...you are even posting these questions, that's a good sign. You want more, and maybe he thinks you are the same person you used to be, so he's being cautious. I'm glad to hear you and he are communicating again...maybe LOVE had you locked in all this time.

I would suggest keep talking till your jaws hurt, explain everything up front with each other...sounds like you are on the right path!!!

Best to you two!

KG

[bellanicola003]

Thanks so much KG, it means a lot! I had never thought of that. I'm going to keep that in mind. As far as the talking goes...that's never been a problem for us...we're best friends!

I should look at the bright side huh?!

[DN]

I just want him to try to win me back.

I suspect the problem is that he isn't sure which you he will win back. So I think rather than expect him to win you back it should be the other way around especially since it was primarily your behaviour that caused the break-up in the first place.