Things that I have have learned

[StephenP59]

I was dumped 2 years ago, and I've noticed quite a few people that have been suffering over christmas/new year. This time of year also brings up some of my old feelings, so this is in part a kind of catharsis, apologies if I repeat some advice, this goes to show the relevance of everyone's situation.

 

1/ The ONLY person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is.... well you, so that means you take care of yourself, do things you enjoy, be gentle with yourself and set your own rules and ethics. Anyone who does not meet these rules (providing you stick to them yuorself) is not worth your time- this includes the ex.

 

2/ No matter how rich you have become, how good looking you are, how popular you are, you have no control other another person's free will, if someone loves you it is because they choose to be in love with you, if they no longer love you it is because they have chosen not to be in love with you. It is their decision - that you cannot control - you cannot control the changing of the seasons, likewise you cannot control the changing of a person. Let it go.

 

3/ If you truly loved someone, then the fallout from that is that deep down in your heart you will always love them for the person they were THEN. You have been blessed with falling in love, life balances itself out and it is natural to expect the sadness that comes from that.

 

4/ You have to start looking at the break-up with your head, pedantically so, that means being realistic about things. 'I will never fall in love again' is not a statement but an opinion, an opinion born out of certain circumstances. Realise every thought/emotion you have comes from a place and a time, put things into perspective. Keep a constant check on all your thoughts with a separate, detached voice that can be objective, it sounds stupid but will push you in the right direction.

 

5/ You are always moving forward, every slip up, every broken contact is moving you forward. Be responsible for your actions if you are feeling bad because you contacted your ex, then realise you made that choice, your healing is totally up to you.

 

6/ No Contact - you cannot be friends, you must leave the car crash behind, there is no set time to healing but there are things you can do to not pull yourself back. Do not look for closure, the closure is the moment they chose not to be with you, part of a break up is that confusion, how you apply that confusion to your will be the only way to find peace.

 

7/ Do not change everything about you. It is tempting to try and change who you are because the ex didn't like aspects of your personality. Change if YOU think you need to change, make yourself a better human being, read more, exercise more, push yourself more in whatever way you deem fulfilling.

 

8/ You will have good days and bad days. The bad days will become less frequent but will be hardly be noticeable (at least to you). Know with your HEAD that the bad days will pass, make a journal graph so you can actually see how well you are doing.

 

9/'I don't deserve this', 'life is not fair' etc etc... Life is a weird and wonderful thing but one thing you must remember is good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.

 

10/ You are an amazing human being., everyone has something to give I do not care what anyone says, we all have the capability to be happy within ourselves. We must accept responsibility for our own happiness it does not lie with another person. Being happy takes hard work, you must engage with life, you must make changes if you are not happy.

 

11/ Being alone is not a bad thing, media will prescribe you with a way of living that if you veer from is deemed as unacceptable. The more you get used to yourself outside of a relationship, the closer you will get to knowing who you are, which is a big part of life, relationships are a smaller part of life, equal to career, to friends, to hobbies etc. You sit at the top of the tree, make sure your life is balanced.

 

12/ An attractive person is someone who is independent, confident, sure of who they are, goodness in their heart and looks after themselves. These are all the things that you are, these are things that you have worked towards because you wanted those attributes. And these are the things that no one person can take away. Remember this when you love again, look after yourself and always face the day with an open heart and an open mind.

 

Thank you

[cristal]

Brilliant post! I will use what you wrote as guidelines. Thank you for posting.

[hmdreamer7]

So well written... thank you!

[yellow_sweater]

Lovely post, thank you so much for sharing.

 

I would add one thing to your #2:

 

2/ No matter how rich you have become, how good looking you are, how popular you are, you have no control other another person's free will, if someone loves you it is because they choose to be in love with you, if they no longer love you it is because they have chosen not to be in love with you. It is their decision - that you cannot control - you cannot control the changing of the seasons, likewise you cannot control the changing of a person. Let it go.

 

Yet you ARE in control of how you react to a situation.

 

It is normal and healthy to grieve at the end of a relationship. However, someone cannot turn you into a quivering ball of tears for years and years on end, unless you give them permission to turn you into a victim.

 

It is normal and healthy to feel frustration and rage when you've been wronged by someone who supposedly loved you. However, it is up to you how you react to someone who has hurt you. Buddha said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." It's up to you when to release the baggage of hatred and to forgive (although never forget).

 

It is normal and healthy to feel incredibly alone during the healing process. It is your choice, however, to shun your friends and stay in bed all day.

 

Remember: in the end, your life is like a movie and you are the director. Break-ups that you can't control are bound to happen. Still, as the director of your life's movie, it's up to you whether you let it destroy your life or make you stronger.

 

YS

[Artop]

Thank you for your wonderful post. I really need it today.

[simplicity08]

Feeling a bit confused today- thankyou for this post. It's helping to keep me strong.

[Ocean 22]

This is one of the best posts for me that I have ever read!!!! - YOU ARE SSSSOOOO RIGHT!!! Thank you soooooo much for this!!!!

[1HelluvaGirl]

Thank you for this wonderful post. I needed it today

[KAT MOMMY]

I totally agree-excellent post indeed. Sometimes things are easier said then done and it is much harder when children are involved.

 

I've learned so much in the past 2 years that I was clueless on. Healing is a very slow process because in my case I felt confident with the circumstances and once I have crossed a bridge it seems there is a crack that breaks each time you move forward so thereforeeee you get scared to take a step as you may just fall under but I am learning to take two steps forward and never double back. Thing is I am afraid that it will crack.