Gaming Addict for a Fiance

[ChaosStar]

I'm at my wit's end and have no idea what to do. I met my fiance online, so I really shouldn't be too surprised, but he's completely addicted to online gaming and I've been getting lonelier and lonelier.

I moved halfway accross the United States to be with him earlier this year and have no family in the area, and friends are slow coming with his utter lack of a (real-life) social life and my being somewhat withdrawn and shy. I do have one great friend in the area, but we're both broke as all hell and live pretty far from one another. I left a ton of friends in California, and I still keep in touch with them, but there's nothing like human contact.

 

Before all the ranting makes you think he's a horrible person (which I've unknowingly made my entire family believe), I do have to say that I love almost everything about him- I just wish he'd spend more time with me and away from the games. Our tastes mesh in everything from art, music, and politics, to an absolute love of animals that makes us want to have acreage to keep as many as we can. I do play the games, as well, but I do it to escape and waste time here and there.

 

On to the things that worry and/or irritate me:

He blew off Thanksgiving *and* Christmas, saying he didn't feel well enough to go and didn't like crowds. While I went to his mother's friend's house for Thanksgiving with a total of 8 or so people, he stayed home and played World of Warcraft. I work evenings and he was supposed to wake me up for dinner with his mother and step-father on Christmas. I woke up at 4 o'clock in the evening in a panic because we should have been there at three. He told me everything was alright, he had called his mom and told her I was sick and that he couldn't wake me. His mother had prepared a full feast for the four of us, and she was left with all of that just for her husband and herself. I visit his mother at least every other Sunday so she can play with our dogs (our only children, as of yet) and catch her up on any info about her son.

 

He comes home from work, turns on the game, and plays until he goes to bed. I bring him dinner at his pc and he can't even get up to get himself a drink because he's too wrapped up in the game. He never leaves the house unless it's to go to work. A complete list of the only places I've *ever* been with him: His mother's house, a total of three trips to the dog park, a lake to watch the eclipse one night (imagine how shocked I was when he suddenly stood up and told me to grab a blanket and put it in the car so we could go!), and rare trips to video game, clothing, and furniture stores.

 

I've brought up the topic of his gaming addiction on several occasions and he always blows me off, saying that he's just a homebody and only plays because it's cheaper than going out. I've suggested movie nights and various cheap projects or activities we didn't have to leave the house for but nothing ever goes through. I've commented on being lonely, as well, and he jokes about having to find me another partner to keep me occupied. Granted, we really do kid around a lot of the time, but there are times to be serious..

 

What's worst is that when I start feeling alone, I almost get angry and purposely avoid him or give curt replies when he does talk with me.. which does the opposite of what I want. I know I do it, but I can't stop myself. I don't know what I can do.. I love him to death and miss him while we're in the same room. My sister and my parents live in different states, and they're all trying to get me to move in with them. I know I have options if I absolutely need it, but I can't imagine living without him even if I'm barely living with him now.

 

I don't know if this was more rant or advice seeking, but both work for me. If you have any suggestions at all, please throw them my way!

[MaNg0s]

Well have you tried talking to his side of the family about his addiction. That is the only thing I can suggest as you have already sat him down and explained your concerns and shown him that you are not happy with his current lifestyle. I used to play a lot of games to.

 

It made me very phobic of any social situation it is a hard thing to cut off from someone's as it is as strong as any other addiction out there. Also you could tell him that you are considering moving back home that might make him see that his gaming lifestyle is pushing his significant other away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he is blowing off holidays and his family...he is out of control with this addiction. Tough love is in order. Talk to his parents and see what they say...then I would suggest you move back to your hometown where you are comfortable and have friends. This guy has to want to clean up his act...and clearly he hasn't yet seen how destructive his addiction has become to himself. He may need to lose everything in his life before he wakes up and realizes he needs to fix things.

[yokohama_mama]

I don't think he's necessarily a horrible person, but he does have a serious problem, and I can't imagine this being a satisfying way for you to live. I think you need to tell him that this is going to cost him the relationship if he doesn't give up the games, then give him a time frame like a month and if you don't see any change, take up one of the offers of a place to live from your family. It may seem severe, but if you don't take action soon you may lose the relationship as you become more and more (understandably) hostile about his lifestyle.

[Dako]

If he was a compulsive gambler, alcoholic or other sort of addict, you might reconsider the relationship's viability.

This might not involve major health or financial ruin, but if you aren't getting what you need from this relationship, consider what the future holds. Are you willing to take on a negligent husband as a project?

[itsallgrand]

I think continuing to live there will suck the lifeblood from you.

 

Resentment will build. Fights will become more frequent. You might even become isolated.

 

I'd go home and reassess the situation from there.

[Shes_abetty]

it is not right for him to choose gaming over hanging out with you. I am no psychologist, but it is clear he has a problem.

 

it doesn't seem, from what you described, that he thinks he has a problem. So maybe you have to get creative with bringing it to his attention. Maybe you could find something online that describes the symptoms of an Addicted Gamer and make it the background for his desktop? Or how about sending him IMs that give links to Addicted Gamers websites?

[Batya33]

How long did you date in person before you got engaged? I would move out, go back to being long distance and help him by finding him resources that deal with these addictions. The rest is up to him.

[ChaosStar]

We've been living together for 6 months now, and he proposed a couple months into it. It's nothing too formal, no date set or anything, but it's there.

 

Last night he started a conversation about how he knows he's not social enough and wanted to keep me happy.. Completely out of the blue while we were lying in bed. We ended up talking and goofing off (he tickles mercilessly xD) in bed for a few hours before passing out. I guess he's finally realised it on his own, and the talk helped fortify a few points. We're working on it with baby steps to ensure that these are permanent changes. Today, he stopped playing a few times to come over and just hang out with me for a short while. I went to take a short nap and he came to cuddle a bit. All of this was brought on by him, I hadn't even spoken to him about any of this for a few days.

 

I appreciate all of your comments, and I am keeping it all filed in the back of my mind- right in with my family's.. you'd think with so many people telling me to leave him, it would have more weight. Right now, though, I can't. When we do get together, I'm the happiest person in the world. I'd rather work on it with him than leave and expect him to change. If anything, he'd be more inclined to play just to keep his mind off of the fact that I was gone.

I was just frustrated because I felt like I wasn't getting through, and he miraculously brings it up on his own!

[winchester3]

I only read the first paragraph of your post and non of the other ones because I'm lazy and it looked like a lot to read. But if your man is addicted to online gaming. To get his attention away from those games you could try doing it sexually, then take it from there. Or an even better idea just talk to him about it.

[Batya33]

Then that's your answer - when you balance the pros and cons, the times that he chooses to be with you makes the times he chooses the games over you worth it. Will you still feel the same way when you have one or more babies to take care of and he chooses the games over parenting? How about when you need to continue working full time while you have a baby since he can't take on additional work because of the time he spends playing the games? My point in your leaving was to continue helping him with his issues by helping him find a good counselor or a program to help cure him of his addiction.

 

But, just reread your latest post where you have decided that the time he chooses to spend with you is worth the times when you come second to the games. It wouldn't be a healthy situation for me, but that is the point - tell your friends to save their breath because only you have to be happy in this situation, and you are.

[Gath]

If he was a compulsive gambler, alcoholic or other sort of addict, you might reconsider the relationship's viability.

This might not involve major health or financial ruin, but if you aren't getting what you need from this relationship, consider what the future holds. Are you willing to take on a negligent husband as a project?

 

I like Dako's post. I believe within the next ten years compulsive gaming will become as well recognized as compulsive gambling as a disorder. And I think it will be effecting a much larger portion of our population.

 

This is a sign of things to come. Some compulsive gamers will break away from it when presented with alternatives, but many others will fight tooth and nail to spend every second of their day staring at a monitor.

 

ChaosStar, you can't force him to give up the game playing, but you should present him the alternative. if he can't control his habbit, then you're going to leave him. And if he doesn't, then do it. He's choosing the game over you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means he can't control himself when it comes to this habbit. If he loses you it may snap him out of it.