SecChance Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 So here's the scoop: There is no distance from the ex wife with this separated man. It's been one "drama" moment after another for this last whole year. But here's the run down of the last month: She was in an minor accident about a month ago, he got to the scene, took pictures and arranged to have her truck fixed. He cancelled dinner with my son and me to drive her to her truck after a wheel alignment. He went to her place Christmas eve to see his son. He went to her place Christmas morning to open gifts. He took off Christmas afternoon to drive her to the airport. She has called every night for the last two weeks. Which really isn't new for the last year but every other night. He spent the evening with her on Thursday talking with her family and said he was in a funny mood and didn't want to come over after. When I mentioned that I wasn't pleased with it, he hung up on me. I called about an hour later for him not to answer (as usual), left a message that i wanted to talk about things. He dropped me an email to attack me about an hour after that and ended the email by telling ME to grow up. We went for supper last night and when I asked him last night if he was ever going to put some more space between her and him, he said no. He said he was going to keep a close friendship her and probably a better friendship with her in the years to come. Would you stay in this relationship? Link to comment
Anonymous122 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No. He clearly hasn't moved on, you deserve to come first if he wants a relationship with you. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 "Would you stay in this relationship" No, absolutely not. There is clearly something more than just friendship going on. It sounds like he might be hoping to get back together with her. If I were you, I would walk away from this...he has made his choice and that choice is his ex wife. I wouldn't be surprised if they do get back together. Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 He told me to "grow up" and be more flexible. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No. It's great to be in good relations with your ex when a child is involved. But this is too much. I know I would not tolerate it. It seems he may have feelings for her still. I could be wrong..but that is what it seems. If he is talking to her every night about their child..that's one thing, but if it's not mostly about him, that is not fair to you. and you should probably move on to someone who you can be #1. Always. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No, I wouldn't. I think you'll always feel second best with him, and if you challenge him he'll tell you you're being immature. However, maybe if you talked about it CALMLY when you're not in a mood (either of you) and see if you could ask him to cool it a bit, and set boundaries, I might put a time limit on it. But...it sounds from a very short post that you're potentially going to get badly hurt by him, not deliberately, but still. I would go warily with this, it sounds so difficult and hard, and I think there is going to be trouble ahead. Link to comment
Blue Skittles Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 You are not going to be #1 in this guy's life. Clearly his priorities are his kid and his ex. I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. Marriages take a long time to move away from, especially when there are children involved. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 He told me to "grow up" and be more flexible. Of course he did. Disrespectful treatment of you in order to assuage his own guilty feelings. How flexible do you need to be, exactly? Should you rearrange his life around him and his ex's too? I think not. I dont have a problem with someone who puts their kids first. As parents, and I know that you know this, that's what we do. But putting the ex first? No thank you. I would be out of there. There are millions of people on this planet and so there's no need to be stuck with one who's still in love with their ex but wants to keep you around so you can (just guessing here) supply sex and also be a 'spare' in case they don't get back together. What you're feeling and how you're being treated indicates to me that he is using you. Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 So mentioning that he still pays for the household over there, wouldn't be necessary. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 So mentioning that he still pays for the household over there, wouldn't be necessary. Nope, not really. There's pretty much nothing that's going to excuse how he treated you and I would say this marks him as even more available than the information we had previously did. Have these two been separated long? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 This is above and beyond being 'supportive' of his child- he's essentially still in a relationship with his ex wife and you are watching from the outside window. I would not stay in this relationship. How long have they been divorced/separated? Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 A year now. I met him shortly after he moved out. I realized at the time that I would have to be understanding to the freshness of the break but it's been a year and the problems seem to be escalating. I can't seem to be patient anymore. He said that he doesn't hate her and I am asking too much for him to stop being that involved with her life. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 A year now. I met him shortly after he moved out. I realized at the time that I would have to be understanding to the freshness of the break but it's been a year and the problems seem to be escalating. I can't seem to be patient anymore. He said that he doesn't hate her and I am asking too much for him to stop being that involved with her life. Just seems that he's still with her really - you're getting crumbs. I don't know, it would hurt me terribly. Maybe he needs space to get his head together, but...you're there for him, and so is his ex. I know it's good they are on good relations, but I think it's so blurred, how can it be good for you? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 A year now. I met him shortly after he moved out. I realized at the time that I would have to be understanding to the freshness of the break but it's been a year and the problems seem to be escalating. I can't seem to be patient anymore. He said that he doesn't hate her and I am asking too much for him to stop being that involved with her life. Did she end the marriage? It's understandable if it's fresh, but you really don't behave that way with an ex spouse. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 He left her. Interesting. Why? I wonder if part of this is that he holds some guilt for walking out on his family, even if he had valid reasons. Guilt isn't always rational. Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 All I can think of is "ambilical cord" and "cake and eat it too". Sorry to be rude. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 All I can think of is "ambilical cord" and "cake and eat it too". Sorry to be rude. How is that rude? What do you plan to do? Are you going to stay and put up with it, or have you had enough? Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 I left the relationship last night. I am really down about things and was looking for support. I guess I was second guessing whether I was reasonable for feeling the way I was. I asked him last night if there was a compromise, he said no. What else was there to do? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 If he isn't willing to compromise and you cannot accept the way things are (and I wouldn't and I doubt most people would) than I see no other alternative. I think he is going to find it very difficult to date while he is essentially still in a relationship with his ex wife. Good for you for knowing you deserve better. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Absolutely good for you. You deserve the full enchilada, not the crumbs. Good for you on standing up for yourself and declining to be his 'spare'. Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 You will never know how much I appreciate your support!! Tough days ahead,... Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You will never know how much I appreciate your support!! Tough days ahead,... Yes, there are going to be tough days, but just cry as much as you need to, take care of yourself, and wait for the springy feeling inside that you get when you start getting over someone and finding yourself again. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 You will never know how much I appreciate your support!! Tough days ahead,... We'll be here so keep coming back and talking, there's always someone to listen! Link to comment
SecChance Posted January 7, 2008 Author Share Posted January 7, 2008 Thank you Hope. I feel so incredibly weak! Very desperate Link to comment
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