I need some serious advice..

[idontknowanymore]

Hello everyone! My name is Nicole.

 

So I know this might be a long story, but here it goes. And thank you in advance if you actually sit here and read this.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. Everything was amazing and great when we 1st started going out. But now things have gone down the drain. It all first started when he convinced me to trade in my paid for car, for a different one, that I didn't really like in the first place. And I know that was wrong on my part, but anyway, back to the point. We started living together fairly early on in the relationship, and have recently moved back in to my mother's house so we can start saving money for our own place. But ever since we moved back in, we fight every day, we get in little play fight matches that escalate into bigger fights, with screaming and yelling at each other, and eventually him threatening to leave, but never does. And to make matters worse he proposed to me about 5 months ago. He plays mind games with me saying. "you'll never find anyone who treats you the way that I do." And has admitted to playing mind games with me, in front of my mother. And earlier in the relationship I almost broke up with him, but didn't. I've been putting up with this BS for the last couple of months. And he acts just like my father did (he died 5 years ago.) Very mean, verbally abusive, and rude to my mother. He also took over the money when we started dating, and when I got a job. He can go spend all of our money, but when I want to go spend a little bit, he won't let me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean I love him, but I don't know if I'm IN love with him anymore. And I know I can do better.

 

And there are a LOT of more things, I just didn't want to write them all. I would be here all day typing.

 

I was just wondering what do any of you think I should do...

 

Regards,

Nicole.

[toshiba]

It sounds to me like you're hanging onto issues with your father. When someone has had a rocky relationship with a parent, they often pick partners like them in order to have the situation turn out right this time whereas they couldn't right it with their parent.

 

You're attracted to abusiveness because that's what you associated with love. I would start researching this topic if I were you and maybe get counseling as well. If you don't, you'll continue in your same pattern.

 

You're unhappy and yet you're staying in the relationship. Ask yourself why.

 

Your boyfriend's behavior sounds controlling and that is a red flag. It will only get worse Abusiveness is tied to controlling behavior and you need to figure out why you're allowing it to happen. What makes you value yourself so little?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow...I would strongly suggest you run run run from this guy. He is controlling and abusive and if it is this bad now, it will be even worse if you get married. I agree with toshiba that you should research all you can about abusive relationships...because it sounds to me like you are choosing someone like your father.

[Snoopy24]

Well it sounds like he is controlling you.

 

And no offense, you are letting him.

 

It's a good thing you are acknowledging this all now. But you are letting him be the way he is. I would never give my boyfriend MY money that I earn. If he needed a few bucks sure, but to give him your paycheck every week is ridiculous..and he doesn't let you spend your money? There is something very wrong with that.

 

You can't blame him for trading your car in. He may have told you to do that..but you are your own person and make your own decisions.

 

I would tell him to find his own place and end it with him. You are still very young and I'm sure you do love him...but I assure you, he is not the guy for you.

[loveistough]

You need to get away from this guy. He's not good for you.

[northwoods]

It kinda sounds like you know what to do but are a little nervous about doing it. Just make it a clean cut and start moving on.

[Clabs]

Hey Nicole and welcome to ENA

 

Wow indeed - god - what an awful man. He lacts respect, he is controlling and he is abusive. You bet you can do better - it seems it would be hard to do worse.

 

I agree with Tosh - it seems you do associate abusiveness with love because that is what you have grown up around. Abusive relationships work by viscious cycles of bad behaviour towards you, then periods of being nice to reel you back in. Each time the cycle continues, he loses respect for you for not standing up for yourself, and you lose dignity and self respect for yourself because you were weak and that damages your self esteem.

 

Allowed to continue unchecked, your self respect and self esteem soon gets shot to pieces and you find yourself in a place where you feel so worthless -that nobody else is going to love you so this is better than nothing.

 

Darling - the good news is that you recognise what is going on here. That is a great start. You have begun to address the problem.

 

So what is the next step? You really do need to ditch this loser and begin to get your head back on straight. Sort out your finances and cut all links with him.

 

I have a feeling you will heave a massive sigh of relief once you go through with this - i know it is hard now - but it will get much much easier.

 

I'd just say again to you - good for you for seeing your self worth - for respecting yourself. You can and you WILL do better than this creep.

 

You will get lots of help and advice on here - come back if you are having a hard time of it - there is always someone to listen to you!

 

Mark

[idontknowanymore]

Thank you to all who responded, and to those that will respond in the future.

 

 

Snoopy24, I don't blame him for making me trade in my car. But I did forget to mention, that when I quit my job I had at the time, he made me give it back to the dealership, and that was almost a year ago, and no car yet.

 

And then there is the issue about our dogs. We have 11 of them right now (7 of them are new born puppies that we are selling to hopefully get my car) But 4 of them are over the age of 5 months. And the boy we have, we both love more than anything in this world. How do i go about that situation, because both of them are registered in BOTH of our names.

[Clabs]

Bloody blimey - 11 - what flavour are they?

[Snoopy24]

Thank you to all who responded, and to those that will respond in the future.

 

 

Snoopy24, I don't blame him for making me trade in my car. But I did forget to mention, that when I quit my job I had at the time, he made me give it back to the dealership, and that was almost a year ago, and no car yet.

 

And then there is the issue about our dogs. We have 11 of them right now (7 of them are new born puppies that we are selling to hopefully get my car) But 4 of them are over the age of 5 months. And the boy we have, we both love more than anything in this world. How do i go about that situation, because both of them are registered in BOTH of our names.

 

That is something you need to talk about with him. Maybe ask him to split them? You can both give two a separate home? Or possibly give him all 4? I know you love them, but they are still young and you can always give other puppies a wonderful home. PLEASE don't use this to not break up with him. Of course it's your choice, but this is a very unhealthy relationship. And a lot of times when you end a relationship you are also ending others. Their family, friends, and ....puppies. It sucks. But it's all part of breaking up

[idontknowanymore]

Lol they are APBT.

I'm just not sure how to go about it. Because (and I know this will sound BAD, but it's alot of my fault) if I end things with him, I will have NOTHING. But I know that's a part of breaking up. It's just a lot to think of. And once again, thank you for all of your advice. I really appreciate it. I needed a few outside opinions.