Mikeps Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Is it possible for a married couple to be separated but still living together as roommates, without being intimate EVER? Link to comment
catwalk Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 are you broken up for good? like divorcing? if so, why would you want to be intimate with her? Link to comment
Mikeps Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 are you broken up for good? like divorcing? if so, why would you want to be intimate with her? Not my situation. Someone else's. But yes they are broken up, living as roommates. The husband still has some feelings for his wife, thinks he can slavage it. The wife has no feelings for the husband. So given this situation, can they live together as roommates and not be intimate....or is it inevitable that one day they might have sex on a whim since they are living together? Link to comment
jevonj77 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I think for sure it can happen. Especially if they start seeing other people. I mean a lot of married couples go long periods of time without having sex so nwo being that these people must be sleeping in other rooms and such...I see it as highly possible. Link to comment
smallguy Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 My wife of 8 years has gone and got herself a new boyfriend, whom she confesses she loves more than she has ever loved anyone. I am currently studying full time and have no income. She has moved into the spare room, and will support me until the re-mortgage when she will give me my half of the equity in the home. Until then I have to put up with her constantly txting her boyfriend, and it is especially hard when he takes her out- she spends hours getting ready, and she is so excited like a teenager- this is probably the most painful throb of emotions i have felt- I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, so yes, it does happen. Link to comment
catwalk Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 yes, stuff might happen, but he should not get his hopes up... sounds like the relationship is OV-ER. they are only there because (I'm assuming) they can't afford to live apart, so it's only a matter of time before that changes. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Well, legally in most places they would not be considered separated....and in some places you need to be legally separated a year before a divorce. So I would consider them still married - but not a healthy one. He is doing her, or himself, or the relationship no favours by staying around...whether it is to work or not - right now she does not even have to see what it would be like without him there.... Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Oh, and yes, maybe they might end up being intimate (or not, that is up to them) but that does not mean that the relationship will be repaired or go back to being happy, healthy and so on. Link to comment
northwoods Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Is it possible for a married couple to be separated but still living together as roommates, without being intimate EVER? No. Its not possible. Link to comment
girl friend Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Is it possible for a married couple to be separated but still living together as roommates, without being intimate EVER? Lol i was in this situation once. It worked... just. But neither of us dated other ppl much, and that really was complicated - imagine how it would be trying to bring someone else home?? And are you just room-mates? Or are you living as a family? I.e. eating together, etc. You need to develop fixed boundaries from the start. If its someone you once had feelings for its quite inevitible that you will find yourselves being intimate, temptation being so hard, you need to be prepared for that. Are you definitely separated? I.e. not going to try to work the marriage out further - its definitely over? ARe you sure? Living together is not going to give you space from each other, but it could develop a great friendship between you. But beware, it will make attracting other ppl damned difficult, most men i know would be jealous of the ''ex-wife in the next bed'' scenario. Link to comment
Mikeps Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Ok everyone, I am dating the "wife." We are VERY serious and much in love. She assures me that she has no feelings for him anymore and that their relationship is strictly nothing more than friends/acquaintances at this point and they are living together because they can't afford to live on their own. I am able to cope with this scenario, however my concern is the sex part. I know she does not want to hurt me, but in the back of my mind there is always that "what if they are both in the mood one night while watching tv......" Maybe the women on this forum may be of some help with this one..... Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No, I'm sorry, I don't get her reasoning. I'd be out of that house in a shot if I had a bf I was in love with. Money? Apartments come rather cheap. And it would be worth every penny, even an extra job or whatever I had to do, to be out of that house (or him leave, doesn't matter). Who knows what they do there. That's up in the air. The separation isn't complete regardless - even if it is only financial inter-dependence or what have you. My step father was separated when he met my mom. However, he had his own home and had been living there for quite some time. And as soon as he met mom, bam, that divorce was pulled through quick. And it cost him a lot of money and pain in the ass! But he did it. This would concern me, but less so to do with plain old sex, if I were you. You are involved with a married woman essentially. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Mike if it were me I couldn't do it. It would seem to creepy. And i'd let my imagination run everytime she went home and slept in the same house as her ex husband. If her finances are so poor she can't get a small apt, or her tastes are so extravagant that she can't move due to not wanting to live somewhere smaller, then she isn't someone who is going to make many sacrifices in life when needed. I'd live in a one room studio apt and leave a mansion if that was the only way i could live apart from an ex husband. It's okay if two people want to do this for financial reasons but when one of them starts dating it is a no go situation and should be changed immediately...that is if they respect the person they are dating. Sorry to put it that way but that is how i would view it. Lack of respect for me if they can't leave the home with their ex living there. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I would think it would be possible, but probably pretty emotionally damaging for at least the person who was 'left behind', or by both parties if the dissolution was a mutual decision. Just read 'smallguy's' post if you want to know what the classic picture of it would be like. I know when I've split up with someone I've lived with I moved out right away- I would have found it very dysfunctional, unhealthy, and a hinder to my recovery and ability to move on. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Ok everyone, I am dating the "wife." We are VERY serious and much in love. She assures me that she has no feelings for him anymore and that their relationship is strictly nothing more than friends/acquaintances at this point and they are living together because they can't afford to live on their own. I am able to cope with this scenario, however my concern is the sex part. I know she does not want to hurt me, but in the back of my mind there is always that "what if they are both in the mood one night while watching tv......" Maybe the women on this forum may be of some help with this one..... I would agree with you that there is too much history there- including romantic and sexual, for that NOT to be a possibility. Is their house up for sale? Why can't they afford to live apart and how long have they been separated/divorced? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I'd live in a one room studio apt and leave a mansion if that was the only way i could live apart from an ex husband. Me too- which makes me wonder if perhaps on some level they aren't ready to let one another go. Link to comment
Mikeps Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 She told me that if I had my own place, she would come live with me (if I'd agree) in a heartbeat. She wants to make sure that we are going to be together for the longhaul before she moves out. Since we are so serious now, she has been talking about possibly getting the divorce sooner than later. I am NOT concerned that they might get back together, my ONLY concern right now is the fact they are in the same house. I trust her, but sometimes things happen...so back to my original question, should I relax or be paranoid that something may happen (i.e.-sex). Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I don't understand why she has to be certain her relationship with you will last before she moves out of her home with her husband. They are divorced-- shouldn't she want some autonomy and to be able to move on? Something doesn't fit about her reasoning, which makes me think you might not be getting the whole story. And to directly address your last question- yes, I would worry about a woman who is still living with her husband and spending that much time with him and having a history with him. I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who was still living with their ex. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Just out of curiosity- who ended the relationship? Is he seeing someone new? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 She told me that if I had my own place, she would come live with me (if I'd agree) in a heartbeat. She wants to make sure that we are going to be together for the longhaul before she moves out. Since we are so serious now, she has been talking about possibly getting the divorce sooner than later. I am NOT concerned that they might get back together, my ONLY concern right now is the fact they are in the same house. I trust her, but sometimes things happen...so back to my original question, should I relax or be paranoid that something may happen (i.e.-sex). I would take this as a huge redflag! Wow. Talk about pressure! And not moving out unless she knows you two are serious or that you are the right one? She is lucky she found you because not many guys would fool with her period with this mindset. Sorry, i am not leaving my husband fully until i find smoeone better. PULLLEASE. I wouldn't stand for this at all. Sorry I can't be of more help, i can only tell you this is a big redflag waving in the air for attention. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Yeah, that's bad news. Maybe she doesn't know how to be on her own. I'm sorry, it seems so disrespectful to you. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 >>She wants to make sure that we are going to be together for the longhaul before she moves out. This is a HUGE red alert. It means she is hedging her bets, and might be keeping the husband around (as a backup plan or just in case). if she's doing that, there are high odds that she's still having sex with him to keep him interested until she makes up her mind what she wants. The other possibility is that she is not really separated at all, just cheating on him and pretending to be separated. I knew a guy who did this and lied to a BUNCH of women he was pursuing on the side saying he was really separated and he and his wife were not really 'together' nor having sex, except that was news to his wife! He was living at home and telling the women he had to go home at night because he was taking care of the kids and he and the wife were only in the house to save money til they could afford to divorce (sound familiar?), while telling his wife he was out late working or working weekends or on business trips when he was with the girlfriends! So in your case, there's a chance that she IS still in a marriage and there is still sex, and her husband may not even know what is going on. you only know what she tells you about the state of her marriage, not what is really going on there. i'd be very cautious, and tell the woman to call you WHEN she's really left her husband. So be very careful, as it sounds like she is not being fully truthful with you about the status of the relationship. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 The other posters bring up a good point- has she ever brought you home, have you met this husband, does he know about you? Maybe she really isn't divorced. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 btw, if they have a legal separation, that is usually information you can look up at your county courthouse, as petition for divorces are filed there and are usually public information. i suggest you take a trip to the courthouse in the county where she lives to see if she is legally separated or not. i'd lay odds that she isn't, regardless of what she tells you. also, you could be named as correspondant (paramour) in the divorce if the husband finds out and he sues for divorce with adultery grounds. don't know whether you care or not about getting subpoenaed in a divorce trial, but that is always something to think about since it becomes part of the public record. Link to comment
Mikeps Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Ok, to clarify. 1) She has a teenage daughter living with her, which can be expensive. 2) Her daughter and her parents know about me, so I doubt she is lying about the separation. 3) They share expenses she told me 4) Reason why she wants to make sure our relationship is solid, is because she is afraid if I dump her, that she will have nowhere to go (her reasoning). 5) She likes to talk about our future, starting a family together, etc etc. 6) Their work schedules conflict, meaning that during the week they don't really see each other much, if at all (one person works nights, the other works days). Only on the weekends are they BOTH off from work. Link to comment
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