I have never felt so desperate, please help

[WalkOn]

I came on here a couple of months ago...you can read my story there. It's a long and complicated one. Many people here gave me very sound advice that I tried to take, and ultimately failed. I temporarily reconciled with my boyfriend, who lives 1,000 miles away, but last week he read online that I had gotten into a medical school on the other side of the country, and promptly dumped me. He said there was no possibility now that we would be in the same place next year (since this med school is pretty much as good as it gets, and I'd be stupid to turn it down for a lesser school in his city).

 

The truth is, I've lost all motivation to go to med school. If I get into the school in his city, I imagine I'll just go there, even if we aren't together. Or I'm thinking about deferring med school for a year (or forever), to do an unrelated master's program in his city. I should say that I've lived there before, and I would love to return - I'm not happy where I'm living now, and had always planned to move back, regardless of him. But now this is a mess.

 

In any case, I'm definitely going crazy. I think I might do something stupid or drastic. I can't sleep or eat, and all I can think about is him out with his friends, hooking up with some girl, taking her back to his place...ahhh. I can't imagine my future without him, even though he's crazy and doesn't treat me with any respect whatsoever. I really think I will just move out there, forget everything I've worked for, just to be with him (even if we aren't together!). He'd probably take me back, since we've broken up before.

 

I'm sorry to come on here again for advice and support from all of you, especially after I disappeared for a while. But I'm so alone here, and I feel terribly desperate. I've already emailed him, he continues to respond, but probably won't for long. Last night he told me to leave him alone. But then he comes online to talk to me, and I don't know what to think. I feel awful. :sad:

[JadedStar]

Oh hon you need to really examine your motivation for not accepting the offer to go to that really good school and instead still move near this guy....i think you know that deep down it is to be closer to him. Don't do it. You obviously have a stellar future ahead of you to have been accepted by this great school don't do something you'll regret later...and i think you will REALLY regret turning it down to be closer to a guy who is asking you to leave him alone.

 

The despair will eventually disipate but your educational opportunities might not always be there....don't let that go.

[Jetta]

Please let this guy go. Focus on your studies and future career. He's holding you back, there's bound to be another guy who'd be much better for you out there. I know you think you love him but after you gain some space from him you will be much happier. Use logic here.

[rjr0815]

even though he's crazy and doesn't treat me with any respect whatsoever!!! There is your sign!!!!!!!!

 

Go to school, do what is best for you. If he does not support you, and can't handle waiting until you finish an awesome career move, he isn't for you period!

 

There are plenty of guys in this world you will cherish and treat you with the respect you deserve. He is not your life, you are.

[Clabs]

Hey WalkOn

 

I am sorry that this has happened - I really am. It can often be a bigger fall the second time around,

 

Right now - you are hurting, clouded and confused - and it is no time to be making any rash decisions. You even say that you could move out there to be with him even though you are not together - and you recognise what a daft thing that is to say!

 

He doesn't want to be with you - he is telling you to leave him alone - and you'd do well to do as he says. At the end of the day, he has no respect for you - and don't forget his filthy temper.

 

JadedStar and Jetta are right - really think about your motivation for turning down that place at that really good school. It doesn't make any sense.

 

I too think that you have a fine future ahead of you and you will really regret it if you turn down that place.

 

Take care honey - be selfish and start looking out for you.

 

Mark

[Jester75]

Focus on school. you will forever regret not finishing/doing med school while you have the chance. There will always be another guy.

 

Getting into med school is a **huge** accomplishment - so congrats!!

 

You need to look at this situation logically. Logically, finishing school getting my MD is much more important/pay's off more in the long run. Emotionally, you want to see this guy/move back. How much pain will you be in 10 years from now when you realize missing med school was a big mistake?

 

If things are meant to be with this guy, it will work out, even with you doing Med school. If things don't work out with you and the guy, then why sacrifice your career, goals, aspirations on a lost cause?

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I can't imagine my future without him, even though he's crazy and doesn't treat me with any respect whatsoever. I really think I will just move out there, forget everything I've worked for, just to be with him (even if we aren't together!). He'd probably take me back, since we've broken up before.

 

There's something about these few sentences that really bother me. You said that he has NO respect for you whatsoever, yet you are considering dropping everything YOU worked hard for to go and be with him? I don't get the logic behind this? Where's the smart girl who got accepted into med school?

 

You need to find yourself again and frankly moving in with him is NOT going to help you. I think you should do whatever it is that you want in life, because after all, it is YOUR life. However, if you have to give up your life plans to satisfy ANY man, than it's not worth it. You deserve someone who is going to be there to support you in every way possible. You getting accepted into a medical school is a great thing! I think him rebelling against you for that is flat out WRONG! He should be happy for you, instead, he is acting like an immature pompous face....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, I wonder if he can't handle the fact that you got into a great medical school. Medical school is not a permanent move so you could have still kept up the relationship long distance. People who really care about each other do that until they can finally be in the same city. He is not a very understanding person and it sounds like he is selfish and cruel. Go to the better medical school and take care of your future and your career. Don't just drop a great school to be near the person who has told you he doesn't want to be with you. Stop communicating with him and live your own life. You have a bright future ahead of you...don't waste it on him.

[WalkOn]

Thank you all for your replies. You're all right about this. It's like there is a blockage in my brain, somewhere, that's totally preventing me from seeing things logically. I'm afraid I can never be happy without him. He's the first person I ever dated, and before that, I was just a gloomy person in general. I had no self-confidence, never tried to meet friends, and hated going out. Now, four years later, I'm a completely different, happy, outgoing person. Or I was, at least, with him. I can just feel all of that crumbling away from me if this relationship ends. And if that happens, I may not be able to handle medical school at all.

 

Maybe it's just impossible for me to realize that I will eventually meet someone else, and I'll be okay. I have dated other guys, even fell for one, so I know I can. But this is a very lonely time in my life, and I'm not in school yet, and it's impossible for me to surround myself with friends. I think everyone needs this, especially when they've lost someone who meant a lot to them.

 

I just wish I could let myself enjoy my accomplishments, and look forward to med school, and the rest of my future. But instead all I see is him, and I can't let go. It's like letting go of who I am, too. How do people recover from this? How long does it take? What do you do when you feel so desperate that you don't think you can go about your day anymore?

 

Thank you, all. This means a lot to me to be able to post here and read your sincere responses. I'm glad I came back.

[blender]

You will not only be "okay".. you're going to be FANTASTIC and have a WONDERFUL future, just know that right now you are going to FEEL desperate, but that is a feeling NOT a FACT.

 

You are going to med school, you're going to do so well, if you trust FATE and follow your original plan, you will discover once you get to medical school the reason why you were accepted at that particular school so far away...because it was meant to be.. something wonderful is there for you.. hopefully it's YOU finding YOURSELF and not feeling as if you need this guy to somehow validate you.. Do NOT let go of who you are, focus on your own life.. after all is this guy focusing on what is best for YOU.. no, he only thinks of himself and how it effected him..yuk.. get busy with your own life, your own sense of self, your self respect... remember you "Feel" desperate but the FACT is you are NOT desperate.. the feeling will pass.. go celebrate YOU.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

Everything you have accomplished is because of YOU and YOU only. You got where you are today, because you wanted to achieve something in life.

 

You shouldn't be afraid to leave him, because you think you won't be a fun and outgoing person anymore. You are the person you are today because of everything you have been through in life. How does someone who doesn't respect you whatsoever make you an outgoing person anyway? If I was in your shoes, I would feel horrible.:splat:

 

This might be going off on a tangent, but we are maturing people, we base our decisions on experience and you are a fun-loving person today, because of the decisions you made thus far, not because of some man who doesn't appreciate you.

 

I really hope you sit down to think about why it is you wanted to attend med school in the first place. I think like someone said earlier. You need to find that motivation to go to med school again.

 

You should also weigh your options...Stay with an unloving-unappreciative man, who doesn't respect your desire for higher education and your dreams or pursue your dreams and full-fill your life aspirations and attend medical school and let the pieces fall where they may..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like you are giving him more credit than he is due. Sure certain people provide us with some helpful hints and ideas on how to change and grow...but still the change and growth are from within. He DID NOT do that for you...YOU did that YOURSELF. People can impact our lives and cause us to think about where we were before...but they simply planted the seeds...it is the individual who does all the growth. So, YOU are responsible for the growth and positive change...not him...and now you can take all these wonderful changes and use them for yourself..to build your future...regardless of any other man that might enter the picture.

[Clabs]

Hey WalkOn

 

Cut yourself some slack here. YOU have achieved a lot - You have grown - you did that!

 

You don't see all the great things about you at the moment - your mirror has become dirty and cracked and has a duff reflection. But you will - give it some time.

 

It is as hard as hell early on - and your best bet for now is to take things a day at a time - little baby steps. You will recover from this - it seems impossible at first but trust me - you will. It won't happen overnight - and you will have better days and worse days while you ride this rollercoaster ride out. Be kind to yourself during this time. There is no set time as to how long it will take.

 

Come back on here because you have a lot of friends here who know just how you are feeling!

 

Mark

[WalkOn]

I just wish I could convince myself that I don't need him in my life. That I don't need him to feel happy, or alive, or worthwhile. I know that I'm a good person, and a lot of people like me, but inside, my self-esteem has always been very low.

 

When I was with him, I felt like a different person. A truly happy, vibrant person. I mean, it's true that of the four years we were together, our relationship was only "good" for about 4 months of that - the rest of the time, he acted crazy and selfish and called me a lying cheat all the time (this is another long story...but suffice to say, I don't deserve that). He basically took great pleasure in punishing me for my mistakes, and making me feel like everything that was wrong in our relationship was because of me. When, in fact, I gave up everything for him. That's why I have no friends now - he never let me make any!

 

So now I'm acting totally desperate, doing all the wrong things. I need to stop sending him crazy, desperate e-mails, and try and get on with my life. I know you are here to offer me support for that, and I feel like I should be able to do it. I have moments of weakness that bring me to my knees, and that's when I e-mail him. I won't stoop to calling or texting - I'd be crushed if he didn't answer.

 

Tonight is Friday and I know he's going out. I'm just so tired of going to bars and meeting random guys. Ugh. But if I don't go out, I'll just sit here feeling sorry for myself, going crazy with thoughts of him. I don't know how I'll get through this weekend. It's going to be tough. I may be here a lot.

[blender]

You're going to get through this because you can CHOOSE to do so.. when you have those "desperate feelings" just remember that is a "feeling" not a "fact"... so allow yourself to "feel" try not to re-act to those feelings by emailing him..instead just breath, say out loud to yourself: I am NOT interested in ANY guy who is not respectful towards me, who is NOT intentionally making an effort to cherish MY heart, so I will NOT email him or contact him in any way, because it's time for me to focus on myself".

 

See it's all about choosing to change your thought pattern, list all the "feelings" you have about who you "hoped he could be" and then right next to that list, write a list of all the FACTS about the relationship and see what a HUGE difference there is between what you "feel" it was versus the "facts" about what the relationship was..

 

He was disrespectful, selfish, called you names, took great pleasrue in punishing you for "mistakes", blaming you, and he "never let you have friends"... so those are the FACTS..right? so what are you missing about this again? ugh..he's NO longer worthy of your precious energy..

 

All the hopes and dreams you ATTACHED to him, are NOT him, those are YOURS you get to take them with you on your healing journey and regain your sense of self, your independence, your own inner happiness.. these are the qualites you want to SHARE in a relationship not ATTAIN FROM a relationship.. so work on taking care of yourself, and if you choose to stay home on a Friday night, then do something for YOURSELF, paint a picture, pick up a great book, have a glass of wine, a bubble bath, call and reach out and help someone whom you care about, anyone, ask someone if THEY need anything from the store, or if you can help out in any way.. call a friend you haven't called in awhile, widen your own world.

 

And never ever ALLOW YOURSELF to cut off friends from your life for ANY man.. that is something YOU do not want to do again.. so let him go out and run around in his circle running into himself over and over again..

 

Ask yourself: WHY AM I PUTTING SO MUCH THOUGHT AND ENERGY INTO A GUY WHO IS NOT RESPECTFUL OR LOVING?

[Karen33]

He's really crushed your spirit hasn't he Walkon? Love does not punish! You are equal to him not some sort of child to be corrected or admoished. You got into a good school so you're being punished for that.

 

You know he is a horror and a lowlife. You know he's got no respect for you because he has no respect for anyone and least of all himself. Could you sleep at night if you were hurting someone the way he's hurting you? I suspect not.

 

You know what sort of person he is and you feel this way because its very hard to handle and accept that someone like that doesn't want you or love you like he should. 'he's a total creep and still I'm not good enough for him thereforeeee he's better than me, what does that make me?'. Well let me tell you you are, you're way too good. You do not need his approval. You will never have it, no one will. He will never treat anyone else any better and I promise you that. This is HIS problem and not yours. You;ve done nothing wrong but you are being bullied and kept on a string. Love should build you up, not punish, be kind, encourage. He's not capable of any of that because of his own issues.

[WalkOn]

Well, I am back after a weekend I was dreading. Blender, Mark, Karen - thank you for your kind words. Everyone has a different perspective on life and love, and each one is helpful. Sometimes thinking about things in a different way can be a tremendous comfort.

 

I panicked on Friday and e-mailed him a few times, going totally crazy, kind of lost my mind. I kept thinking about him going out, meeting girls, taking them home, me alone...ugh. But then my roommate came home, she reminded me what a loser he is and how stupid I am to pursue him, and I kind of snapped out of it. We went out Friday with friends, on Saturday we went dancing, and on Sunday I went out with some new people who turned out to be very cool. I didn't really feel like doing these things, but I'm glad I did.

 

I haven't even logged into my email since Friday, and I've decided I won't for several more days. I haven't called or texted him, and I don't plan on doing that either. I think doing so would just make me feel worse, especially if he responded coldly or not at all. When I'm feeling weak or down, I come on here and read your responses, and I remember why I need to focus on myself.

 

I'll be back to write more...this has been good for me.

[Clabs]

Hey WalkOn!

 

That is great that you are shifting your focus - away from him and back onto you!

 

I know the feeling - you don't want to go out, but look what heppens when you do - you dance, laugh, have fun, meet cool new people.

 

Good idea to stay away from email - it will only set you back. And YAY - you come back here when you feel weak or down.

 

You have such a good life ahead of you - you really do. It is so easy to panik - flap about when all this happens - OMG my life is over! But it isn't, is it? A new book is just opening for you and it is gonna be a good read!

 

Mark

[Karen33]

Good on you Walkon. Not logging on to your email, well that takes some strength you know. If you aren't fantically checking your mail every few mins then you're getting a handle on things and getting your strength back. More and more you'll feel stronger. I'm really proud of you!

[WalkOn]

Thanks, guys. By Monday morning, I was actually feeling pretty good. But then I logged onto a different e-mail account (my work one), and he had emailed me on that one, since he suspected I wasn't checking my primary account. I wouldn't have read it, but he predicted this and instead used a very nasty subject line. I was crushed.

 

I sent him an e-mail after that, and later called, and now I feel like I've taken ten steps backwards. He emailed me to apologize, and to tell me how things are going, but I'm just so angry for losing the sense of control I had. Even emotionally I was feeling so much more stable, just blocking him out like that. Now I think I'm back to square one!

 

I know people tend to focus on the good things when their relationships end, and they never think of the bad. That's my problem right now. I can't seem to remember any of the mean, nasty things he did to me throughout our relationship (never let me meet friends, never let me go out with coworkers, called me a lying cheat on a daily basis, never asked or cared about my daily life, blamed me for everything...etc.). But no, instead I think of all the wonderful memories and how horrible I feel to have a future without him. It's so silly - I know all of my friends think I'm so much better off, but I can't convince my brain of that. I'm just so devastated.

 

I'm thinking I won't e-mail him for maybe a week or so, just to let myself calm down. And maybe after a week, I won't feel the urge to e-mail or call him at all. And then a few months will go by...

 

Well, that's what I'm hoping, anyway. Blah. Not been a good day.

[Clabs]

Hey WakOn

 

I am sorry you are set back again - but don't beat yourself up.

 

It is easy to fantasize about what was good and what was bad.

 

I can remind you about the bad - his lack of respect - his nasty temper - quite abusive really. Remember and look back through your posts to properly remember why you are in this place.

 

Take care honey - you will feel stronger once again. Don't forget that love and repect you need to be showing yourself.

 

Mark

[need2bme]

Sweetie,

 

Have you any idea what you have done by getting into that school?

 

Of course you do! Fantastic job! Hell, some of us have trouble even getting through college.;-)

 

I bet you are smart, sweet, sexy, funny and soon will be a doctor...are you kidding me?

 

You will make someone happy, so it is time to make yourself happy.

 

Don't let someone who isn't you, convince you, who you are.

[elbandido]

Here's the hard truth....get over it! How? by going out with friends. By dating other guys. By working out. I was in a long relationship before (5years) and she broke up with me. I had a terrible time (that's when I found this place). Everything everyone said to me was great and I appreciated it, but the best thing that I did was take action. I started to go to the gym, lost 36 lbs and started dating other women. I felt amazing after a while. Believe me, your world is not over. You sound like an awesome person what with going to medical school. How many people can say that? There are so many guys out there that would LOVE to be with someone so intelligent (and I bet you're cute too). So, if you aren't already, go to the gym, believe me, it helps so much. Go out with friends and meet other people. Who knows, your 'Mr Right' might be out there, but please, don't stay stuck in your home crying over what could have been, or I wonder what he's doing, or I wonder who he's with. It's a waste of time and one day you will be so ashamed that you wasted all that time.

[WalkOn]

Well, I am back. Things had been going a lot better. Thank you all for your advice - I definitely tried to change my way of thinking. I cut out every reminder of him in my life, including clothes, books, pictures, music, food, etc. I really went to extremes, but it helped. I went to another city and hung out with old friends, and I spent more time with friends here. I reached out to people I hadn't talked to in a while, and I let myself get excited about my future.

 

I was doing so well, in fact, that I e-mailed my ex (he had called the week before to say he didn't think we should talk as much because this was really hard for him, but I could e-mail him if I wanted to). So I did. I just casually talked about my life, traveling, work stuff. I didn't mention going out or seeing other guys or anything like that. I didn't grovel or beg or say anything about our relationship, except that I missed him.

 

So he e-mailed me back, said that if I ever showed up in his city, never to contact him or try to see him. He said he's totally moving on. He thinks I should, too. Just really rubbed it in my face. I mean, I know he's hardly moving on - he still stalks me on facebook and myspace, and even brought that up ("I saw you friended that guy you hooked up with two years ago! Really makes me confident in my decision to dump you!"). But it just really stung. So I called him, he didn't answer. He called me back three times, e-mailed me, waited for me to come online...clearly he wanted to talk to me.

 

I eventually did call back, and cried for 2 hours straight on the phone about how much I missed him. It was really pathetic. And I was doing so, so, so much better - hardly thinking about him at all!! He really felt sorry for me, told me I could call him anytime, but that's just pathetic to go to your ex for comfort! He said he doesn't think we'll ever get back together, there were so many problems in our relationship (yes, there were, all of which he created, and he admitted this). I mean, he's said this before, but I admit that's still all that I want! It's just so sad. So of course I've just totally set myself back a few weeks.

 

I'm sorry to come on here and spill my heart out again. I just had a really rough day yesterday, and wish I hadn't sent him that stupid e-mail. I really do miss him, and would like to believe someday we'll meet again, but he always comes along and kicks me when I'm down. I just can't seem to get out of this cycle.

[Clabs]

Hey WalkOn

 

Sorry honey that this is dragging you down again.

 

Darling - you have to keep right away from him, You have experienced first hand what happens when you contact him - rotten bastard. He rubs your nose in it and make you feel lousy. Sorry mods for the language but f me - what a creep and a loser - grrrrrr!

 

Don't apologize for coming on here to spill your heart - good for you, I say.

 

You might think that you want to meet him again, but darling - he doesn't respect you - he doesn't love you - he rubs your nose in it all - AND he has that temper - god nasty bastard. It is easy to cling to familiartity, and hard and scary to get out there and decide that you are worth more than this pathetic and shoddy treatment.

 

You identify that you have set yourself back by talking or chatting to him. STOP!. You are worth so much more than this - wake up girl - you are a special lady and he is a total a hole.

 

The cycle ends when you decide you have had enough abuse - sounds simple and I know it is not.

 

Sorry to sound blunt - I am not in a particularly forgiveful mindset right now with regard to this wanker.

 

Grrrr

 

Mark