Should I take the high road?

[Parsley]

Hiya

 

When my ex broke up with me just over a year ago, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated and...well you all know. Since then though, my life has turned around completely and I'm happier than ever. It's actually my boyfriend and I's 8 month anniversary today

 

The thing is, my ex seems to be trying to the friendship thing out now. He pretty much ignored me right from when we broke up, despite saying that he wanted us to still be friendly. Originally I had wanted that too, but not for any real amount of time - as soon as the rose glasses came off, I realised how appallingly he had treated me, and wanted no more to do with him. He tried talking to me on msn a few months ago, and I said then that I never wanted to lay eyes on him again if I could help it.

 

Recently my friend discovered that her boyfriend works with my ex, and managed to get some dvds of mine he'd clung onto back for me. That seemed to make him think it was ok to talk to me again. It being christmas and me being determined not to let him have anything over me anymore, I was civil to him and that was that. I thought he'd give up seeing that I wasn't being actively 'friendly'. Just not mean, you know?

 

Well, the other day my dad sent a text to an old number of mine. Unfortunately, I'd given that phone and sim to my ex, and he's still using both. I didn't realise it was him, and texted the number saying "sorry my dad's just sent you a message by mistake, who is this? happy new year!" He text me back saying it was him and something else I can't remember and "hope all is well" I didn't reply after realising it was him. My boyfriend was staying with me for a few days as well, so I didn't want to cloud that with my ex. Later that evening, my ex started talking to me again on msn. I blocked him and closed the window without saying anything, as I was sitting right next to me boyfriend, and I know that I wouldn't like it if he suddenly started a conversation with an ex etc etc.

 

I don't want this to keep happening. But I don't want him to have any hold over me whatsoever, and I feel that by having him blocked and all that he still does. So what should I do? Should I text him (the number is still in my sent messages) or email him or whatever saying this? Or is that making too big a thing of it? I honestly don't know how I really feel about this. Should I be grown up about this and face him, or just ignore him completely. I feel like I should just try and forgive him, but as much as I may want to do that because I know it is the right thing to do, I just don't think he deserves my forgiveness. Everytime I make a decision one way or the other, various pros or cons keep appearing for the other option. It seems I can't just cut this person out of my life. It was easy enough until September - he didn't want to attempt any friendship, so he didn't try and contact me, and that was that. But now that he wants to talk, it seems like I can't avoid him - and it was always that way when we were going out. Argh.

 

Help, please?

[Weeblie]

I don't think that blocking a person and avoiding them is equal to them having control over your life.

 

There are people that come into your life that you don't like and there are people you do. I don't think that you'd think twice about letting them in and out of your life. So just because he's an ex, doesn't mean he has any special ties to you that still need to be honored. You're free to keep him out if you want.

[Wimpy]

When my ex broke up with me and in the process left me devastated first thing I did was DELETE him from MSN - having him in your contact list (to me at least) gives the impression that in time you'll start talking to him again. If you don't want that then delete him.

 

It also avoids any explanations to a new boyfriend as to why you still have you ex in your contacts.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

A lot of time I think dumpers try and be friends to salve their consciences over what they did. Mine told me in an email "I never meant for this to happen" i.e. me never wanting to have anything further to do with him. I never even responded to the email. In my head that's taking the high ground - but that's just in MY head lol.

[karvala]

I'll give a third vote for ignore.

 

To me, having had a former relationship with someone doesn't automatically grant the right to friendship afterwards in any sense. Having a friend should be an active choice; if you particularly *want* his friendship, then that's one thing, but it seems that you don't, but feel some sense of failure or loss of control if you don't have that friendship anyway. That's not a good reason to be friends with someone, and I suspect it would just lead to further trouble down the road, so in this case, just continue to ignore him, and he'll eventually get the message and go away.

[Parsley]

I did delete him from msn, about 10 minutes after he dumped me. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to block him the first time, and he hadn't deleted me. It was awhile before I realised this, not until September. When he'd spoken to me then I'd been so angry that I just signed off msn and forgot about it. The 2nd time the conversation ended amicably enough that it didn't enter my mind to block.

 

I do hear what you're saying, honestly I do, and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you. I don't want a friendship so much as..er...how can I put it. I don't want him to think he means anymore to me, good or bad. Does that make sense? I don't like not liking people, or not talking to people, and in the rest of my life I tend to make things up with people pretty quickly. So not doing it this time goes against something I'm used to doing...I dunno if that makes sense.

 

He does seem to find a way to weasel his way back. When I think I've cut off all lines he'll find a way, and it's extremely annoying.

 

I'll take your advice. Maybe me avoiding him straight off will get the message accross this time, and I guess I'll just have to get used to going about things differently.

 

Thank you all

[Wimpy]

What you say does make sense.

 

The bit about MSN was interesting - I deleted him and blocked him as well at the same time I think which is why I've never seen him online again and neither has he seen me.

 

Over the past 3 years I've had lots of times when I've thought I hate that the fact that someone who meant so much to me is now so out of my life completely and I've wondered if getting in touch with him would make things easier. Then I've waited and realised that how he behaved resulted in me doing what was best for me. I can't control what people do - only how I respond and I decided that personally, for me, keeping out of contact was the best thing. It's slightly easier for me because he's no longer in my country and our paths are VERY unlikely to EVER cross again. Mutual friends used to mention him or something about him until one day I asked them not to anymore as it just set me back.

 

At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you but not wanting to be in touch with him doesn't make you a bad person - it simply means (to me anyhow) that you are trying to look after yourself.

 

Now it's my turn to wonder if that made sense....!!