k8s Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Hi, was wondering some of the guys if I could ask for their opinion on something. I am attracted to a guy who I dated once in the past where the date didnt go very well but we had intense chemistry when we met and before our date, and after our date being bad he declined to see me again as the spark wasnt there. When we met I present myself as a true lady with morals and wanted to take things slowly and to do things right as all the books say to do (not sleep with someone straight away etc), he liked the fact I was feminine but he felt that I wasnt into him because I maybe took it a bit far with the going slowly as I didnt even kiss him he felt like I didnt really want to be there at the date (nothing could have been further from the truth). We bumped into each other out one night recently at the time I was seeing someone else unhappily for a few months and ended up going home with this guy. The intense attraction and chemistry was all to present again between us when I saw him I could make a million if I could bottle the chemistry. The guy I was dating at the time had intimacy issues and wouldnt have sex with me and one thing led to another and we slept together because I needed the connection and to get perspective on the other guy I was seeing and had had a few drinks. To be straight to the point we had an incredible evening of "connection". He went overseas 2 days later for a month. I broke up with the other guy the next day (because I cant be with someone and sleep with someone else and I wasnt happy). The guy sent me some lovely texts before he left and called me from the airport then I got a very suggestive text from overseas a few days later out of the blue. From that point on it got very sexual and I guess I just went with it and it has been going on for over 3 weeks now. He sometimes sends me non sexual nice texts and we talked on the phone very normally but then we chatted on msn and again it went very sexually suggestive not much mature conversation which I would prefer. He is younger than me (he is 27 I am 35) so I am a litte confused as I imagine we are at different points but I forgot what I was like at 27! Being he is younger than me I do not have my head or heart set on anything but I would like some advice from a guy.... if you have ever been quite dirty or sexually suggestive with someone would you never consider anything more than a sexual thing with them-would it be too off putting if a girl talked to you this way? I have told him I never am like that and it is out of character for me but at the same time I could have not participated I guess (but its a bit of a case of once bitten twice shy on the prude thing with him in a way). He hasnt dated anyone in a long time to my knowledge. Im confused as my last guy had intimacy issues and made me feel so unwanted and unsexual its like I cant win either way! The guy is back in a week so I guess I was interested in a little foresight - I know most guys here have high morals so might have not even been suggestive online or by text with someone before so please realize I rate the morals of guys on here (where are you my age in my country!!) and I hope to not come off like a harlot but being in the type of relaionship I was in (read my last posts it was hideous) really the opposite is so much better! Do you think it could be this guy has a bit of his own issue with being obsessed with sex or if he was interested in me he wouldnt show this side of him. Thanks for any advice. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Does it bother you if he sends you suggestive texts? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 He could just be trying to keep things 'hot' and you interested while he is away. Lot's of people like to exchange sexy texts, or even have phone sex. So i wouldn't read too much into it until you get a chance to spend real time with him and get to know him better. btw, if he is sending you sexy texts, he must likely would be very happy if you responded the same way, otherwise why send them? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If I slept with a man under the circumstances you did (which I wouldn't do - just not my thing, not judging you other than you cheated on the other guy, yes? - that wasn't clear) then I would think it was completely normal for the man to assume that I was very into the sex, that I wanted more sex, and that since I was comfortable getting naked early on I might be comfortable with suggestive texts. It comes with the territory. Also it's a bit confusing - you slept with him in part to use him - you were horny because of your boyfriend's impotence and your reaction to that was to find someone else to hook up with - so that doesn't seem inconsistent with your sending suggestive texts back since a main focus was having sex, yes? Sounds like you're both very focused on sex, given your decision and why you made that decision. I am glad you ended things with the other guy right away. Link to comment
k8s Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 no the other guy I was seeing kept telling me it wasnt a relationship after 5 months (even though it was one, long story) so technically I wasnt cheating. I would never have cheated on him I didnt think..I had never even looked at another guy as I am usually faithful, but the guy I slept with was the only person that had really gone WOW in years when I met him and would have been the only guy in the world I think could have made me want to (it was almost fateful that I saw him in a way my friends and I all thought). Thats why I ended things the next day for my own values and because I obviously didnt love him (not that I tought I did) if I could have done that. I have responded with the sexual texts even emails like an ongoing story its just not really in my character so makes me feel a little harlotish as I guess I dont really do that sort of stuff because I would prefer something a bit more not just about sex. (I had done it back in the day with the whole internet thing but realized all those men seemed to be the same just after cheap thrills) so in a way I think it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, case of been there done that. This man is so sexy and god looking though I guess it is nice to think someone so good loking is turned on by you - but after the first rejection by him maybe I am just paranoid. Yeah ill wait and see thanks for the advice I was just curious I guess. He said the sex was so good and he was so blown away by it thats why he does it - I dont thin khe has been with anyone in a long time maybe I opened his flower! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 There's a difference between being blown away by s_x and reacting to that feeling by acting in a disrespectful way. The men I know who are gentlemen wouldn't send a text like that to a woman they barely knew even if they were really into her because if they wanted to see her again with sincere intentions they wouldn't want to risk offending her. so that "excuse" makes no sense. I sure hope you don't truly see it as fated that you happened to meet a gorgeous guy who you wanted to have sex with right away, who also wanted to have sex with you right away. That's not fate - that's just a typical night out at the clubs. I have no issue with casual sex at all (I'm just not interested in it) but you take the risk each and every time that the man you have a one night stand with won't see you as relationship material (and it might work the other way too). Call it double standard, whatever but it's reality. Link to comment
someguy88 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Firstly, just because someone sends dirty texts/emails doesn't mean they don't have high morals. If you're uncomfortable with naughty emails/texts then tell him. Why would you continue to play along if you didn't like it? Also, why would you assume that a guy who likes sex talk wouldn't want anything more than sex? That makes no sense to me at all. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I think if someone sends sexual texts to a person they just met and slept with then they do not have conservative attitudes about sex - and at least to me it shows a lack of common sense if the intention is to, despite the one night stand, work on building a relationship that includes more than sex. It's too risky - typing out sexual messages to a lady (or gentleman) you want to get to know as a person, who you respect - most people in that stage of getting to know each other would be at least a little offended or put off by that behavior. I think his intention is to be consistent with the one night stand and continue to focus on sex and when they can meet again to have sex. could change down the road to more serious intentions but it's doubtful. I'm not referring to couples who send sexual text messages - just this particular situation where he is a near stranger she just met and had sex with. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No it probably means the opposite, he is interested. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No it probably means the opposite, he is interested. Yes I agree with this - that he is interested in continuing to have sex with the OP Unclear if he is interested in dating or in a relationship with the OP. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Yes I agree with this - that he is interested in continuing to have sex with the OP Unclear if he is interested in dating or in a relationship with the OP. GASP** you mean a MAN wants to have SEX with a WOMAN !! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 GASP** you mean a MAN wants to have SEX with a WOMAN !! LOL - I meant that it showed he was interested in sex but I agree with Jadedstar that it doesn't indicate interest in getting to know her beyond sex. Nothing unusual about one person wanting to have sex with another person. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 LOL - I meant that it showed he was interested in sex but I agree with Jadedstar that it doesn't indicate interest in getting to know her beyond sex. Nothing unusual about one person wanting to have sex with another person. Depends on the culture, age and chosen mentality of the participants. Lots of things can grow from what is a first purely sexual attraction. Our bodies are designed so that after sex we release hormones that make us more prone for forming stronger bonds. Not all women feel guilty about sex, not all women view it as something a man is taking from them. I like those women, they're cool. For a young confident woman with few issues having sex could be a great way to start a good relationship. You might still like their personality after doing it with them, you might like it moreso. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 That's not at all what I wrote. All I wrote was that I agreed with Jadedstar that right now all we can tell from his texts is that he is interested in having sex with her again. I would venture that because he is comfortable sending her those texts during this early stage of getting to know her, he might not see her as relationship material. Of course one night stands can develop into relationships, marriages, etc. It's just riskier to start out that way because more typically the one night stand or the casual sex never becomes anything else- which is fine for people who enjoy having a sex buddy but the OP seems to want more. I also have never ever written that a woman should feel guilty about sex - or a man for that matter. What I have written many many times is that there is nothing at all wrong with casual sex where the two adults consent and are on the same page about it. But, for a person who wants a full relationship and a potentially serious one, it is a better idea to get to know the person for a period of time before having sex - for several reasons and nothing really to do with gender (other than the unfair, but alive and well, double standard). Most women I know who claim to be confident and cool about casual sex are not - either they expect the man to call again, expect the man to want something more serious with them just because they agreed to get naked, or get angry at men in general and end up trying to emotionally detach. Some women truly enjoy casual sex on a regular basis whether or not it becomes anything more - that's cool for them but I think that is pretty unusual. Many women have that one or two one night stands where it was just something fun to do, no regrets, but a steady diet of casual sex usually ends up eroding confidence and "coolness." Typically I find the women who have sex early on when they really want a relationship to be doing so because they do have issues - not because they do not - they are typically overly needy, insecure, low self esteem and in self-denial. Obviously there are exceptions! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Depends on the culture, age and chosen mentality of the participants. Lots of things can grow from what is a first purely sexual attraction. Our bodies are designed so that after sex we release hormones that make us more prone for forming stronger bonds. Not all women feel guilty about sex, not all women view it as something a man is taking from them. I like those women, they're cool. For a young confident woman with few issues having sex could be a great way to start a good relationship. You might still like their personality after doing it with them, you might like it moreso. It has been proven that yes, the bodies release hormones after sex that makes them more prone to FEELINGS that might not necessarily stick around after the euphoria wears off. That is probably why women have this built in instinct to normally try to prevent early sex in an effort to keep her emotions from being put in harms way. This is why young men tend to say I LOVE YOU in the throes of passion and wild sex and a week later sit at their breakfast table wondering WHAT THE HE11 WAS I THINKING??? Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 All I read is this 'argue' - casual sex is good so long as you want to have it. Link to comment
bluesky411 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 That happened to me. A man who I was in love with, we were going to sleep together, asked me in a text what position I liked the most, that he liked doggie-style. Well, where I had feelings for this man I was offended because I needed to feel close to him before I could start dirty text messages. I needed a intimate connection with him, which I never got. So I felt like a tramp. I love sex but it has to be mutual in order for me to be free like that or else I do feel * * * * ty. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 All I read is this 'argue' - casual sex is good so long as you want to have it. No one is arguing and no one is disagreeing that casual sex is okay for those who like it. You are reading into this something that isn't there. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 No one is arguing and no one is disagreeing that casual sex is okay for those who like it. You are reading into this something that isn't there. I've written many times that casual sex is ok - even great! - for those who like it. That's a very different point from "casual sex is a good way to find a serious relationship." Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I've written many times that casual sex is ok - even great! - for those who like it. That's a very different point from "casual sex is a good way to find a serious relationship." Exactly. Who knows what the future holds with this guy but i'd feel that something was very wrong in this to be getting the dirty texts before the second date but that goes with the territory of having ONS's and one of the reasons i never had them. Those who want to do it...great....just hopefully they know the real score. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 When I had the experience of a man I didn't know well wanting to "cybersex" after we met (if it was before, I stopped it immediately and we never met) - and too early on I always felt icky and would try to change the topic just to give one more chance - and if that didn't work, then I felt disrespected. Even before the one more chance a red flag would go up that perhaps he wasn't interested in getting to know me as a person. I was always right. Link to comment
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