Misslynne Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He has really helped me become a stronger, more caring, patient, and forgiving person. he has always been the "picture perfect" boyfriend. Thoughtful, caring, funny, forgiving, easy going, understanding...etc. You name it, he is it. but lately that is gone. he has been going through a depression for a few months. and i have tried to as supportive as possible. but it has taken a serious toll on our relationship. he refuses to talk about it or get help. what do i do? he isnt the same man anymore and i'm no longer happy. Should i stick with it, or suggest a break? but I cant imagine life without him. I just want my boyfriend back. We just recently discussed my unhappiness in a mature, understanding way, which just led to discussing his depression again. I feel like if he refuses to get help, what does the future hold for us? How long is too long and where do you draw the line? Link to comment
Empathy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Hey, Misslynne. Your post caught my attention because it wasn't too long ago that I was in your bf's position. I've been sick for so long with no idea what's going on with me and it was taking a toll on my mental health. I lost all of my friends due to my illness and had no one else to dump my problems on other than my bf. It was too much for him to handle so he tried to leave me. Its understandable and I do not blame him at all. But it was a swift kick in the butt for me and I got on some meds right away. Things have been wonderful since. If he is not willing to get help then I would start to consider walking away. You can't allow him to hold you hostage with guilt. You need to start looking after yourself or else you will go down with him. Maybe if you tell him that you're thinking of walking away it will give him the same kick in the rear that I got. I really hope you get this worked out. I've seen first hand what the depression of a loved one can do to you and its heart breaking. Take care. Link to comment
Misslynne Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 thank you for your advice. The more I think about it, the more i feel suggesting a break would help. I guess what i am really afraid of is him agreeing a break is a good idea. A part of me feels manipulative suggesting it just to jolt his system, but the other part of me realizes something needs to change. If he loves me like he says, he will at least try to find help. I dont ask much of him. His depression has seemed a better from a few months ago. But i worry with the Semester starting back and his college workload returning, the stress will send him into an even darker place than he is in now. Link to comment
d24 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm going to take a different viewpoint... Leaving him is not the answer. He needs help, not an ultimatum. Ask yourself this question : if you were depressed and he was his normal self - would you want him to try to help you, or try to leave you? Do you think he would leave you, or would he try to make it better? Or again, remember how much he's helped you become a more strong and confident person - don't you (in a way) owe it to him to try everything possible to try to help him through this. I'm not saying 'stay unhappy because you owe him' - i'm saying make a REAL effort to get to the bottom of this because if you remember how happy you were before this happened -- that could be the case again if you can help him through this. Everyone has ups and downs. They can last days, weeks, months, years even - if there is no 'resolution'. In my opinion although he's in a bad place there's got to be a reason WHY. Find the why, and then you can make the HOW happen (how do I get my old boyfriend back). If you can fix it you may get your old boyfriend back. No offense but threads like this make me worry that we're truly turning into a disposable society - where even relationships aren't worth fixing as it's easier to just walk away. But hey, I may be generalising. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 give him some alone time to figure himself out. as far as the terms of a break, that is something you need to decide with him. Link to comment
reed Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 You should stick by him and help him with whatever he is going through. That's what is wrong with todays world, everyone wants to live in a perfect world. There was a time when people used to stick by their partner, no matter what, even if their partner were dying. I guess some people still have these values, but its rare and kind of scary in today's 'disposable' society. Life can't always be perfect. Link to comment
Wellsy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 My last relationship took this type of turn and I tried to stick it out but no matter what I did to work through, my ex just countered from another angle. She dumped me in one of her "fits" and then the next day she called to say she was sorry and wanted to get back, just like I knew she would except this time I said no...she just pushed me that far. After she started getting the help she needs...seeing a Dr for her depression and quit drinking. I was very happy when I heard all this because of course is raised an interest in maybe trying it again. but then we hung out and I noticed not all has changed and I started to get worried that if we did try it again we would just start all over again and be back where we ended. My advice...take a break let him know that but being stubborn and not getting help is hurting your relationship together and making you unhappy. you can't help someone who won't help themselves Link to comment
Wellsy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 But reed the guy is not dieing, there relationship is. in the days you speak of people where together no matter what..even if they were not happy. Why put yourself though that? why be unhappy? He is sick, but only HE can get up and get the help he needs. The help their relationship needs. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Hi, I am struggling with the same thing with my FI. I'm sorry you are having to go through it as it's a difficult situation and there are no clear cut or "right" answers. I think you do have to draw the line somewhere, but where is the question. The answer depends on you and what you're willing to endure. You need to set boundaries for yourself. Have you brought up how you are going to tackle his depression yet? Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 You should stick by him and help him with whatever he is going through. That's what is wrong with todays world, everyone wants to live in a perfect world. There was a time when people used to stick by their partner, no matter what, even if their partner were dying. I guess some people still have these values, but its rare and kind of scary in today's 'disposable' society. Life can't always be perfect. I agree with this to some extent, which is why we are here trying to find help for our SO. It's so hard to watch your love one struggle with something that seems to be overpowering them. Depression causes them to push you away, become self-absorbed and turn into someone you no longer recognize. At some point though, you do have to take care of yourself as the "relationship" tends to become one-sided and eventually seems non-existent. Sometimes a change (or break) is just what is needed to jolt someone into action. It's called tough love. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I've found this link link removed really helpful. Hopefully you can find some answers there. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He has really helped me become a stronger, more caring, patient, and forgiving person. he has always been the "picture perfect" boyfriend. Thoughtful, caring, funny, forgiving, easy going, understanding...etc. You name it, he is it. but lately that is gone. he has been going through a depression for a few months....? This is not a lot of time. When things were good, were you imagining a future and "happily ever after"? If so, if you are going to bail after "a few months", it doesn't bode well for your future approach to relationships... I don't mean to sound judgemental. It is a fine line to be sure. And I don't advocate being miserable out of some misguided loyalty..but a few months is what we married people accept as the "worse" as in "for better or for worse".. Only you can decide if you have the wherewithall to endure through bouts of depression. IMO, in the long term, depression is not unlike alcoholism. Once the person is aware that they suffer from depression, their refusal to get help does not obligate you to a lifetime of servitude based on guilt...You cannot help those who refuse to help themselves. It sounds tough, because sometimes it's a SYMPTOM of the disease that they can't recognize their own depression, but it still doesn't obligate you for life to someone you've only been dating a little over a year.... BUT...If this is his first real bout of depression, and you help him find his way, he may learn how to live with it, deal with it, and you could have a future where 90% of the time he's "picture perfect". Would it be worth it to you to struggle through these difficulties the other 10%? Only you can decide... It's a tough call. I believe in sticking it out through the rough patches...But I am married and have made that commitment. Dating for a year is barely enough time to really get to know someone. So I am not going to tell you you HAVE to stick with him.... HE may not be the right one for you with or without the depression.... Only you can decide. Personally, I'd give him a little more time. Maybe tell him that you are afraid that you will get to the point where you give up on him, and you don't want to do that (rather than a ultimatum), and let him chew on that. But first and foremost, I'd keep reminding him all he's done for you and ask his permission to let you help him now. Suggest he go to the Dr. for a physical to rule out any physiological problems. It may be enough for the Dr. to precribe antidepressants for a few months so he can at least stabilize enough to recognize he needs help.. I don't know. In my experience, guys have a harder time accepting that they "need" help, especially psychological. It's like a wicked extension of "boys don't cry", so they feel if they actually pursue help, they will look weak or like less than a man...It's hard to get them to see that being a man means doing what needs to be done, including getting help when they need it... Good luck to you either way. I've seen both sides of this coin, and there are no absolute right answers. Trust your conscience. Link to comment
Misslynne Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Thank you everyone for your advice. The tough thing is, he has recognized that he is depressed. but says talking about it only makes it worse and that he does not see where seeing a professional will help. Not to mention, his parents are the type to blame everything (illnesses, emotions, etc.) on food. real health nuts. I think deep down he is afraid to seek help because his parents have him so terrified of any type medication. i dont agree with eating pills left and right, but sometimes its necessary to seek medication. Not to mention, this is not his first battle with serious depression. he has experienced it on and off his entire life. I dont want to think i am just "giving up" on him. but what do you do when your partner says they have a problem, refuses to talk about it, seek help, and completely shuts you out? I do not think it is a "disposable society" view to consider a break. maybe its just realizing that I can only do so much. its up to him now. Link to comment
Empathy Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I do not think it is a "disposable society" view to consider a break. maybe its just realizing that I can only do so much. its up to him now. I agree with this. You're not considering your partner as disposable by realizing that being with him could destroy you. When help is refused, its time to start looking after yourself. Just take a break from him for a while and give yourself time to work it all out. Things will come together in the end. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Misslynne, I'm glad your bf recognizes he has a problem. That is the first step. You seem to have a healthy view of the problem. Please refer to my post "How do you broach the subject of therapy with depressed partner" as I gave bettyboo some resources I think you may find helpful too. You may want to pick up the book I mentioned. It deals specifically with male depression and discusses strategies to get your bf to therapy that you can use. Good luck and feel free to PM me. I am going through something similar. Link to comment
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