Have a situation!

[fightingthedark]

Hi there, new here

I have sorta of a situation, i have accepted unwantingly that i am gay. No one knows around me though. My life could be easily summed up as a carefully constructed lie. I have never had a relationship except friendship with any women, although i have convinced people that i did have a girlfriend a couple of months back as people were starting to ask questions. This is where my problem comes in. I think my mom suspects that i am gay, she is always watching me and how i react to women on t.v and stuff, or will ask what i think. She always asks when i will get a girlfriend and i have came up with the excuse that no one in my school interests me which is believable as we live in a very small town in west michigan (also a very narrow minded town). However she has made her opinions on what she thinks of gays very obvious. That is: she thinks they are disgusting, she told me if i was gay she would disown me-and then asked if i was gay, she makes sounds of disgust whenever there is a gay couple on t.v. closes her eyes and looks away often with a bad comment. i do not know what to do i cannot maintain this lie forever i know that, this summer i will be starting my freshmen year in college several hundred miles north, where i will be bond eventually to find a relationship with a guy. i know there be continued questions as to why i do not have a girlfriend from my dad and my mom. I dont think my dad suspects btw, he is not very good at reading other people and we do not see each other often (they have benn separated since before my birth). If i did come out (which i will have to eventually) i have the sinking feeling that my mom will disown me, my moms family will be disgusted with me (very much a group of narrow-minded people), my dads family i am not sure, they are loving christian people but i feel in that they may not accept me, especially my grandparents whom i love very much (they have been very helpful to me).

 

My question boils down to this, what do i do? do i continue this lie, do i date women just to throw them off? I do not know what would happen if i did come out and no one accepted me. I would be thouroughly alone, little to no true friends anymore, no money to live on my own, my co-workers (work at a restaurant) would eventually find out as i would have no where to stay and it would probably be all over this town like the plague (there has only been one other guy i know of that was bi that came out in this town-and he moved soon after).

 

Help Please

[Edak]

Welcome to ENA fightingthedark!

 

Quite honestly, trying to be something you're not is very difficult. I would suggest something as simple as waiting till you can sustain yourself if you're sure they, your parents, will disown you for telling them. Then you run no risk for being kicked out.

 

I personally believe that a homosexual person doesn't chooses to feel that way, it's just something psychologicaly set at birth, for whatever reason. It's rather sad to think your mother would stop loving you for something out of your control, or even a choice in the way you want to live your life, it's one thing if you were a serial killer and tried explaining that, but even a true mother would love still their son as much as possible.

 

If you ever do come around to having that talk with her, you really should stand firm and if she acts differently, get upset about it and let her know how much it hurts, the pain you've been going through, and how sad it is that she can't accept you. I guess it's a bit of a "guilt trip" but you need to let her know in a way she will try to understand.

 

I don't know your parents or your situation but, all-in-all, she will still love you, and she will accept you over time, maybe right away, maybe not. I can't believe my mom still loves me as much as she does after what I've put her through, you'd be surprised with your own mom I'm sure. Good luck!

 

-Kade

[fightingthedark]

Yeah i have thought of waiting. Financially i am not that far from being independent i work a lot, pay bills, my mother doesnt actually work i am the only one in the house that has a steady income. I guess another concern with my mother is that she has had a hard life, is manically depressed, bipolar. We dont really have a mother son relationship as it is normally put. We have kind of been on a equal basis supporting each other as for the first ten years of my life it was just me and her struggling to make it. And for the last two years i have been a semi provider to the family and her mental state has gotten worse (she is in a abusive relationship with the father of her other two children). i Am afraid that telling her might send her over the edge and she might do something drastic.

 

And you are right about it being hard to be someone you are not, i have known in one degree or another i was gay since i was thirteen and have kept it a hidden secret, however the secret begs to come out, especially lately as i have found myself starting to drink a lot and every time i get drunk i desperately want to tell someone but the fear is too great and i never do

 

Hell i didnt even come out anonymously on the internet until just recently when i had to talk to a support group just to not go through with my suicidal thoughts.

 

I guess i still dont know what i am going to do, i would just be nice to come out to at least one person and be able to be close to someone and not lie all the time.

[Edak]

Do you have any really close friends you'd be willing to share it with? I hate to sound sexist, but a female friend would more likely be understanding and accepting.

 

I wasn't aware your mother had the problems you later described, so maybe breaking it to her and creating a huge fight over the thing would not be your best bet.

 

DEFINITELY find someone you see on a regular basis, someone you're very close to, to talk to this about. Try not to burden them with anything, just find someone who is willing to listen. Talking can be a huge help, as simple as it is

[fightingthedark]

I actually used to have only female friends- but by ex-best-friend has changed into a person i know longer recognize and our friendship fell apart, the only other good friend i have i dont know if i want her to be the person to know,we are really only casual friends. The only guy friend i have ever had in my high school career is gone now he was how i knew i was sure i was gay. He was everything to me, we could have been so compatible if i had guts enough to ask him and i had known for sure he was gay Enough reminiscing though. So i guess the answer is no on that, no real friends to tell, not anymore at least

[Edak]

I'm sorry.

 

I really wish I could help more.

 

I think by just making your post you are taking a big step to letting your world know the truth. I'm sure you're strong enough to harbor the secret longer, but you should let it be known when YOU feel is right. Still if you can find a person to talk to, even a school shrink or a close teacher, anyone in your life that is important to you that you could trust, it would make a world of diffence.

 

I came from a small school and I had a really close relationship with my Football coach and I'd trust him with something as big as this, maybe you have something similar for you too?

 

EDIT: Also give it some time, I won't be the only person to reply to you, someone else should add their 2 cents soon enough.

[fightingthedark]

maybe i just will have to wait a little longer. god though, it feels like i have been waiting forever just to have a friend i can actually talk to, (one of the major problems in my ex best-friend relationship, we didnt relate to each other enough, we had such different lives). Its sad but maybe i will find that friendship later on maybe not. who can say right now

 

Oh and just my 2 cents, i dont believe in most cases that being gay is a conscious decision, as i see you would have to be very much crazy to actually desire being gay--even in our current age there is still much discrimination against homosexual men and women, although i think women are more excepted then men (no flames just my opinion).

 

I will probably not reply till tomorrow, i have an exam very early tomorrow and i have already stayed up way to late.

 

Thanks for the replies Edak-your sound like a pretty cool dude

[Lucy_lou]

Hey, fighting the dark.

 

Your post is heart breaking. Your situation sounds really really tough. Unstable mother who is hateful towards gay people, and no where to turn for support. I suggest you go for as much support as you can for the duration of this period, online, helplines, counsellors, whatever. It's enough to make anyone crazy, or to turn to drink. But you will be out of it. And I hope that's soon. If you're semi independent financially, then soon you should be fully independent and able to move to a larger city where you can be yourself. If you don't have a lot of friends or people who support you in your little town, I can't imagine why you'd want to stay. I know it must be really hard having a bipolar mother who you are very co dependent with, letting go and worrying if she'll be Ok. But her hate is going to do you so much damage. It's really sad that she feels that way. But then a lot of people of the older generation are horribly homophobic, and often the best medicine for them is for one of their beloved children to turn out to be gay. But that means a lot of suffering for the child. I agree with you that it's often a lot harder for guys than girls being gay in this society. I really feel for your situation. And from what you've written, I would emplore you to work your butt off getting to freedom (i.e. a well paid career that will take you to a bigger better gay friendly city. Then when you're strong enough and have an emotional safety net of people who like you for who you are, and who support you, then you can return to your town to visit, help your mother out financially or otherwise, but on your terms. I really don't think it's fair of you to date women though. You might be very pleasantly surprised at how much easier it is to find people on your wavelength in the big city. Small towns are like torture chambers for a lot of minorities, especially gay men. Get out.

[fredv3b]

Hi fightingthedark,

 

Welcome to ENA. First although you may feel very alone at the moment, you are not, in the sense that there are many other guys in your position.

 

i do not know what to do i cannot maintain this lie forever i know that

 

My question boils down to this, what do i do? do i continue this lie, do i date women just to throw them off? I do not know what would happen if i did come out and no one accepted me. I would be thouroughly alone, little to no true friends anymore, no money to live on my own, my co-workers (work at a restaurant) would eventually find out as i would have no where to stay and it would probably be all over this town like the plague (there has only been one other guy i know of that was bi that came out in this town-and he moved soon after).

 

First you might be surprised by how long lies can be maintained (I certainly am). But you don't seem to have much of a life now, not so much living a lie as not living it. I think you give some pretty good reasons why it would be a bad idea to come out now. Also what would it achieve other than relieve you of the burden of having to pretend to like girls? You might find you have someone to talk to about your feelings, on the other hand you might find you have no one to talk to about anything!

 

this summer i will be starting my freshmen year in college several hundred miles north, where i will be bond eventually to find a relationship with a guy.

 

I honestly think that college may be your salvation. I think your best advice is to keep maintaining your lie for now, if you've managed it for this long I am sure you can keep going for a little while longer. Once several hundred miles away its easy to send home stories of dates with the opposite sex that never lead anywhere to keep people off the scent. At college you won't have to live a lie any more, you will be able to find friends with whom you can talk about your feelings and HOPEFULLY find a guy and a relationship.

 

Hope this is helpful

[fightingthedark]

thanks for the support everyone. yes i hoping college will be my salvation, i am already halfway to getting a good job i will be a cisco certified network associate (ccna) soon, like six months from now. My life isnt all bad, i have already been accepted into college, due to our poor status i get a lot of federal aid. so college is a for sure thing and i look forward to it. Not to mention i am sure it wont be too overaly hard to find someone at that school.

 

Thanks everyone for the support makes me happy to talk to others out there

 

Ps: As soon as i graduate i am moving out of michigan and to somewhere in one of the larger cities on the east coast where i can get a better job.

[Lucy_lou]

It's no coincidence that gay people tend to hold higher positions and live in bigger cities. May the homophobic country bumpkins rott in their own backwardness. You'll excel, and you'll be stronger for your suffering.

[fightingthedark]

actually yes i am going to michigan tech, and yes i do know that the gay SUpport community is not strong but i know somebodies brother who goes there and is gay and he said there are quite a few, so i am hoping, and if not oh well i will have my CNSA degree in only three years (then i am moving out of this dying state) since i pretty much have already beat freshman classes into the ground in high school. That is my hope anyway

 

And you know what, the thing that gays tend to have higher positions in bigger cities seems to be a pretty common thing people say, is it actually true? (i can see it, gay men and women have to be stronger and more motivated for other peoples respect, sounds plausible enough anyway Who knows maybe i will eventually be one of those high positioned people myself

[Lucy_lou]

Here's some facts on Gay cities which I got from link removed

 

It uses the Census for all its data

 

 

Where Do Gay and Lesbian Couples Live?

 

Census 2000 counts same-sex couples in 99 percent of U.S. counties. Like the distribution of the U.S. population at large, the distribution of gay and lesbian families is far from uniform accross the nation.

 

(From The Gay and Lesbian Atlas, by Gary J. Gates and Jason Ost, Urban Institute Press, May 2004.)

 

 

States with the most same-sex couple households

1. California

2. New York

3. Texas

4. Florida

5. Illinois

6. Pennsylvania

7. Georgia

8. Ohio

9. Massachusetts

10. New Jersey

 

Highest concentrations of same-sex couple households…

 

by state

1. Vermont

2. California

3. Washington

4. Massachusetts

5. Oregon

6. New Mexico

7. Nevada

8. New York

9. Maine

10. Arizona

 

by large metro area

1. San Francisco, CA

2. Oakland, CA

3. Seattle-Bellevue-Everett, WA

4. Fort Lauderdale, FL

5. Austin-San Marcos, TX

6. New York, NY

7. Los Angeles-Long Beach, CA

8. Albuquerque, NM

9. Atlanta, GA

10. Jersey City, NJ