I doubt him...is it justified?

[Weary]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. I 'met' a guy in an online game over a year ago. We got along very very well on an emotional/psychological level. We had exchanged pictures, and there were certainly no problems at that point regarding physical attraction. Neither of us are hardcore romantic mushy types, but there the odd romantic sentiment or mush when either of us needed to express it. He would email me everyday (for about 4 months) or text me everyday (From 4 months to 12 months)..and vise versa, even though we would 'see' each other in the game every night. We talk everyday, via a voice-chat program. There were periods of time over the last year, where I felt like I was taking not a second, but a third, fourth, fifth etc backseat to the video game, ie it seemed that the video game was taking a lot more precedence than I was. Whenever I brought this up he apologized, would 'pay attention' for a few weeks, then back to the focus being on the game.

 

I made it possible to go and see him where he lived after like 12 months of 'knowing' him. Of course there is that fear of 'What if he doesn't like me in person' or 'What if I looked alright in a photo, but now he thinks I am hideous'?. But I swallowed the fear, and proceeded, and prepared myself for the worst. We (in my mind) had a fabulous time. Conversations were brilliant, lots of laughs, and he really focused on my interests and made sure I had fun (I had never been to this city before). There were a few things that bothered me when I was there, but I brushed them off, and now they are in the forefront of my brain.

 

Sex, and affection for example. I am very much used to...that when I guy is interested he can't keep his hands off you. They make it very very clear they want to sleep with you, touch you, kiss you etc etc. When I was there, the first time we had sex, it was very much like that. The times after that, I felt like I was always initiating it, when we were out in public or private, that I was initiating any sort of affection like hugs or touches or whatever (and no not to an excessive amount). This all made me wonder if he just wasn't interested...or as interested as I was. At the time I brushed it off, thinking, okay maybe he is just not like that. However, he was like that leading up to the first time.

 

So now, fastforward 3-4 months later, still playing this online game. He doesn't speak to me via pm (in game) often (certainly not as much as he used to), but still talk via voice program, though he doesn't have a lot to say...and I usually end up making the conversation. When I try to address this, his reasonings are that he isn't a social butterfly, or sometimes he feels reserved.

 

So the other day I wrote him a really big email, and I (even being terrified to just let loose all my 'feelings') just layed it on the line. I told him he has never mentioned my trip to see him, I have no clue if he had fun, no clue if he is still interested, no idea if he ever wants to see me again..and no idea as to what he feelings were. I reasoned in this email with why I felt this way. I also pretty much asked him if this was ever going to go any further, or if we should cut our losses.

 

I then told him I emailed him. He responded back, that it would take him a bit to address everything I said fully, and that he was shocked and hurt by what I said. He said that my perceptions were off and that he is crazy about me, and that most of these inconsistencies with us are due to his reserved nature, and that he would email me back.

 

Yup it's only been a day and a half. I realize there is probably a lot to go through in the email. However, he has been playing the game all day (he is off work for 5 days). I feel like he is not interested, and I can't help but feeling that if it was a priority to let me know that he is interested, or that he cared, or that he was worried about how I was feeling, he'd turn the damn game off and address it. I mean, if the situation was reversed, and I was really interested in someone, and they emailed me and said they felt like I didn't...I would be replying asap.

 

Am I being irrational expecting it to be addressed 'so soon'? Does it takes days to figure out how you are feeling? I thought it was you liked someone or you didn't. Should I really get ready to cut my losses?

 

Thanks everyone

[Aleadragonhawk]

What I suggest is taking a step back. It sounds like you spend a fair bit of time together, both in the game and through voice chats, and when people spend too much time together it can become easy to stop trying and grow comfortable in the relationship. Right now he's not having to do any work to be in a relationship with you - you're initiating contact, you're there every day, and he doesn't have to try to get ahold of you - you're just a fixture in his life.

 

You've sent him the email and he knows that you are expecting a reply. Step back and let him come to you. If he's not all that interested or the game is more important to him than you are, then you won't hear back from him, at least not promptly. Shift your focus back onto your real life. If there are any things that you've stopped doing because of your relationship or because of the game, like going out to movies, hanging out with friends, or just going to the gym to work out, try picking up those hobbies again.

[Weary]

I have not spoken to him since I sent it. And yes, we used to spend a lot of time 'together'. However, since I got back..I am percieving him not to be interested...so when he says 'hey let's chat'...and then doesn't chat, I leave. I don't initiate contect with him, he usually says hello and asks how my day was, I respond with the like, and then that is it some days. I have stopped playing for a few days now, and don't expect to get on until next week sometime, which he is aware of.

 

My hobbies have never stopped

 

I appreciate your reply, thank you

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Yes, get ready to cut your losses. I'm not sure what's up with him but trust your instincts. His actions aren't saying much of anything good for him and that's what you've got to pay attention to - not the easy, pretty words. Unless he's got a bulletproof reason for blowing you off after meeting you in person and having sex with you, get ready to cut your losses.

 

His actions are saying that he's more interested in a game than in real-life connections, for whatever reason. And if he wanted a bigger real life connection with you, that would take away from the game.

 

I met someone on a game once, The Sims Online. I spent so much time trying to figure out why he didn't seem to want a real life connection with me, as much as he professed his love and desire for me. But once I stopped asking why and started asking myself what it was that *I* wanted out of a relationship and whether this relationship met those needs, I found my way out and found something more fulfilling and happiness-inducing than what I had with He Whose Butt Had Grown Roots in His Computer Chair.

[Weary]

I definitely get what you are saying P.

 

The only thing I am trying to wrap my brain around....is that if he does respond that it will be a huge email about how he is reserved, or not social or quiet or w/e. Yes I get reserved sometimes...but I usually say so when I am feeling that way.

 

Do people that are more reserved than outgoing seem disinterested most of the time? I guess I have never been with a 'quiet type' before. I have certainly met some shy ones...but they are outgoing and not shy when they are comfortable with you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I definitely get what you are saying P.

 

The only thing I am trying to wrap my brain around....is that if he does respond that it will be a huge email about how he is reserved, or not social or quiet or w/e. Yes I get reserved sometimes...but I usually say so when I am feeling that way.

 

Do people that are more reserved than outgoing seem disinterested most of the time? I guess I have never been with a 'quiet type' before. I have certainly met some shy ones...but they are outgoing and not shy when they are comfortable with you.

 

If it was really about a personality characteristic, ie being reserved, then where was this BEFORE y'all met in person and had sex? Why the change?

 

Well, the simplest answer is the correct one. It's not about him being reserved. It's not about a characteristic of his personality. It's about him making conscious choices not to have much contact with you or to do so only when it's convenient for him.

 

Your instincts aren't lying; your observations are facts that can't be argued with. He's not putting you first; he's putting the game first. You have observed a pattern of him doing this. That's not a perception; that's a fact.

 

Yes he will say it's because he's reserved. That is a way to excuse his choices. It is not the real reason.

 

And unless he changes his choices, the real reason doesn't even matter. Are you willing to continually be put second? It's up to you. But remember, what matters, what speaks, are his actions, his choices.

 

Oh, and the dude that I met on that game still hasn't had a 'real' relationship in years...he never really wanted one.

[Zona76]

Drop from the game you're in with him.

If he's interested in you he will be wanting to know where you are and why you left.

Actually I don't think he's that interested... either that or he's not as into you as you think.

Someone who cares is going to want to discuss feelings and to let the other person know that this is feeling REALLY great.

[JadedStar]

This guy is not interested. You have been waiting around for a long time for someone who is not as vested in this as you. The reasons i think this are quoted below:

 

There were periods of time over the last year, where I felt like I was taking not a second, but a third, fourth, fifth etc backseat to the video game, ie it seemed that the video game was taking a lot more precedence than I was.

 

I made it possible to go and see him where he lived after like 12 months of 'knowing' him

 

The times after that, I felt like I was always initiating it, when we were out in public or private, that I was initiating any sort of affection like hugs or touches or whatever (and no not to an excessive amount).

 

And the two biggest reasons I think he is not interested:

 

So now, fastforward 3-4 months later, still playing this online game. He doesn't speak to me via pm (in game) often (certainly not as much as he used to), but still talk via voice program, though he doesn't have a lot to say...and I usually end up making the conversation

 

Yup it's only been a day and a half. I realize there is probably a lot to go through in the email. However, he has been playing the game all day (he is off work for 5 days)

 

IF he were that hurt and felt you were THAT wrong trust me, he would have responded by now.