Things were better.. for a while

[the_pole]

Hi all. Sorry, this might be quite long. I posted a few months ago about my girlfriend who wanted to take a break. Well, she pretty much decided that she didn't want one after all, not now anyway. She said that she would miss me too much, and that she loves me and doesn't want to be apart from me. We are both almost 20 and have been going out nearly two years.

She has had sever depression for about a year now, she is seeing a counsellor and is on medication.

 

But i'm slowly beginning to go insane. She tells me she loves me very much, and wants to be with me forever, and wouldn't want to be seeing anyone else.

The problem is that her actions speak differently. for the last two months or so I feel like i'm the only one in this relationship. Getting her attention is difficult. I'm always the one organising for us to go out or see each other. I'm always the one initiating phone and text conversations. Half the time she has a reason not to see me. She always apologises and acts like she really is truly sorry.

I talked to her about it and she says it's because of her depression, and she still loves me very much. She always promises that she'll try be better.

 

When i'm with her she sits and stares blankly at the wall. Or sleeps. Or watches TV. Not one hug or kiss or smile. Nothing. She lets me hug her but doesn't hug back. She has recently told me she doesn't like being kissed at the moment. And that she doesn't want to do anything really physical at all.

 

A number of other things have happened the past week or so:

-- First of all, i had just got back from a week away tramping. I texted her just after getting back and asked if i could see her. She told me that she had a 'thing' at church and that it'll probably end quite late and it'll probably too late to see her afterwards. She said i could call her in the evening though.

When i tried to ring her house, her dad told me that she is out to dinner At this point i had no idea what was going on. When i told her what her dad said, she told me the truth. It turns out her ex-boyfriend (one that she dumped because he was controlling and had cheated on her countless times) was in town for a few days, so she went out for dinner with him and his family. She told me that they are only friends and the only reason she lied to me was because she thought i might be upset. Things turned out ok afterwards, but it doesn't really help my current state of mind. It also doesn't help that she's txting him constatntly. Last time i checked she hated him with her whole heart.

 

-- I wanted to see her tonight. She is saying that she has work during the day and she'll be too tired to see me(she gets tired and sleepy all the time because of the depression). Next thing i know, she's telling me that she's seeing a mutual friend of ours tomorrow night for coffee so we won't be able to see each other. tomorrow she's working twice the number of hours as today.

 

I asked her if she would be happier if we broke up and she made it very clear that she wouldn't be. When i get annoyed or depressed about what's going on she starts hugging me and telling me she's sorry and she wishes she could be better to me.

It's been a week since i got back from my holiday. I've seen her pretty much every day, but i keep trying to organise time so we can be alone rather than with friends or family, so we can just be together and talk. We have had about two hours alone in a week, and she had forgotten to take her pills that day so she was pretty much unresponsive.

 

I just feel like i'm an inconveniance rather than a boyfriend. I feel lonely and underappreciated. I just wish there could be something i could do so she stops taking me for granted. I understand that she has depression and other things in her life, but i just wish she would make more of an effort. What do i do? I'm really unhappy.

[DN]

I have to say that her excuse about depression would make more sense if she wasn't going out with an abusive ex and his family, constantly texting him and lying to you about it.

 

The acid test of whether to stay in a relationship or not is this; is the relationship making you more happy or more unhappy.

 

Seems to me that you are more unhappy by far. And her promises mean nothing if she makes no effort to change even if she does have depression.

[the_pole]

The part with her seeing her ex isn't that big of a deal now as her ex lives on the other side of the country. She also claims that it was his idea and the reason she agreed is that he asked her and she didn't want to seem rude.

She's christian and she tells me that she feels one of the things she needs to do to help her depression go away is forgive people, including her ex.

It wasn't so much her ex as the fact that she lied to me that bothered me.

 

On the odd occasion when she is paying attention to me and smiling and being nice to me(she hasn't stopped completely), i don't think anything or anyone could make me happier. But all the other times i'm just scared that i might lose her. I keep telling myself that i have to just grin and bear it and she'll sort herself out and everyting will be ok. I'm just having trouble coping with it. I want so much to be with her.

 

Her lack of effort to change is probably what's bothering me. The problem is that she's always been like that. She can never be bothered to make an effort towards anything, and she hates making decisions. So her not making an effort for me is possibly because of this rather than her not caring about me.

[DN]

So, in order to forgive her ex she feels it necessary to have dinner with him and answer his texts? What do they text about?

 

It seems strange that in order to uphold the Christian injunction to forgive she finds it necessary to break one of the Ten Commandments.

[the_pole]

I don't really know what they text about. I had a talk with her about her ex and she says they just talk about 'friend stuff' as in what he's doing now and the fact that he's in the army and the weather and so on.

 

I mean i am a little suspicious, but she has far more male friends than female and she hangs out with them all the time (most are mutual friends) and she has never done anything bad with them. She knows that I can get very jealous in some situations though and that would be why she lied.

 

Am I in the position where i have the right to ask her not to talk to her ex?

[DN]

I think you need to have a talk about the entire relationship and what you feel you are not getting out of it. Don't make it simply about the ex because that may be a symptom and not a cause.

[la reina]

That is a tough situation. I can understand why you would want to stay with her...the moments when things are fine are probably great and they most likely do make you want to hang on and hope that one day, she'll be fine and happy.

 

Realistically, will that happen? Who knows. I think she is making up excuses. She may very well have depression but the fact that she is choosing to spend time with friends and her ex isn't being loving to you. You say she is a Christian. That is interesting that she would say that for the reason to talk to her ex. What about being loving and caring to you, someone she is supposed to love and care about more? I know how it is easy to be down and crabby with the person you care about the most but it isn't nice. I question what she really wants. Because by the way she is acting, and what she is even telling you, seems to go against the fact that she wouldn't be happier with anyone else. And certainly think you could be happier with someone else. What you two share doesn't sound like good, healthy love. Some of this has to be about you too. Sure she could have depression, but you shouldn't have to suffer through the relationship and wait for when you get the love and attention.

 

About the ex, you can't tell her to stop talking to him. That wouldn't be right. What you can tell her is that it hurts you that she is talking to him so much while you aren't getting the love and attention you deserve. Who knows, maybe she can only handle having friends right now, rather than a serious relationship. It sounds to me like she isn't ready, she just needs the comfort and security of having someone there/around.

[the_pole]

This thread should be moved to the 'Breaking Up' section because we just broke up.

 

We met up in a park to talk it over. She told me she still loves me and cares for me, and and still wants to be my best friend once we both get over it a bit.

She said that she's breaking up with me because she doesn't want a boyfriend at all at the moment, that she has loads of issues that she has tried to work out over the last few months while with me, but it just isn't working. She says that she needs to be alone for some time to work these things out and try get past her depression.

She says that there may be hope for us when she gets better, but it may take along time and she doesn't want to make any promises because she just doesn't know what will happen.

I suppose this is the best break-up i could have hoped for. She was kind, understanding and genuinely sorry.

 

I suppose now I have to try get over her. I do want to be friends with her eventually (we were friends for quite a few years before we started dating). I just feel so terribly lonely and sad now. I thought she could be the girl i'd spend the rest of my life with. I put everything I had, my entire heart into this relationship. She was so wonderful. Im scared that i'll never find anyone like her again