Problem working out what to do next

[Tonk]

Hi, Just wanted to try and get some advise from someone neutral. I have been seeing a woman for a couple of months and it seems to going superbly on one side and terribly on others. When we are together it feels so right yet when we are apart i feel so alone. I think part of the problem is it is my first relationship since a divorce and although we both want to take things slowly they seem to going forward at a crazy speed. We have already talked of moving in etc as we see each other every night and cant get enough of each other.

 

Ok the problems as I mentioned I split up with my wife last year and having been having other difficulties business debts personal finances etc which had me close to breaking point. It is so good to find someone that I have such a connection with but she has her own baggage she still isnt over her Ex who treated her terribly but seems to have some magical attraction. She tells me he is out of the picture but she wants to remain friends. She emails him 3 times a week and talks to him a lot on the phone but he is a very destructive influence i.e. he rings her at 2 oclock in the morning just to see if she is with someone and try and disturb it. She has gone to San Fancisco to visit other friends and her ex is trying to get her to see him in Detroit. She says she wont but she told me that if she does she will probably spend the rest of the holiday with him Just before she went we had a huge argument and I nearly broke up with her but because the risk for me is so high (dont have a huge amount of positive energy at the moment). The main reason I didnt is I didnt want to give her an excuse to go and see this guy who seems to pick her up and drop her as he fancies and has already told her they cant be together long term. This wasnt really a jealousy thing but I think it would be better for her as a person if she could move on as she seems very unhappy even though she loves him and know it can never be and he is not good for her.

 

So the main problem is I dont feel I can commit at all to her at the moment partly because of my own position i.e. rebuilding and partly because she isnt ready either. Yet when we get together we always end up talking of our future. It would be fine if we could just enjoy the relationship developing but it is always so intense. I am feeling I ought to split with her to give us both time but feel this could be a huge mistake as I know we are great together and all our friends think so too. She is away for 12 days and I finding myself watching the phone and email and counting down the time but she doesnt ring. Do I just ignore all the positives and break up or maybe we should give each other more space before we can go forward. Any ideas anyone?

[Gilgamesh]

Is that a fire engine I hear? no its the warning bells.

 

You have very good reason to proceed with caution, you touched a sensitive nerve with me with the whole Ex boyfriend thing.

 

Ill make it clear, she has not resolved her issues with this guy, she still loves him, and given different circumstances she will probably get back with him.

 

Take this real real slow, believe me. over my life I have had 3 romances that ended because of unresolved Ex boyfriends. they say they are over them, they did get hurt by them, all that hoopla, but its very simple.

 

do they still try and maintain contact? do they mention him, do they get emotional when talking about him (either good or bad)? then they have feelings for them still.

 

You have good reason to not want to commit to this woman so fast. and I dont want to sound very negative, but it doesnt look good. just the fact that she accepts him prying into her life is enough to convince me there is a deep problem for you.

 

Get your life in order, do what you need to pick up the pieces from your divorce, keep seeing this woman if you like but, remember to not get too attached. when she has this guy out of her life for good, then maybe just maybe you have a chance.

[Tonk]

I hear what you are saying and thanks for the good advice Gilgamesh, I guess one of the things is that she has given me a lot in terms of helping me find closure in my past realtionship I want to try and help her. Part of me knows we dont have a future but at the same time I would like to help her get over the ex. I have spoken to her best friend who also has been telling her that she needs to break off all contact with the guy or he will destroy any chance of happiness in the future.

 

I basically told her that I wont commit (move in with her etc...) until this happens but feel its still positive for both of us to keep seeing each other as long as we are a positive influence I know her feeling are very strong for me and I wonder if I lay down an ultimatum if it might be the thing which forces her to think about the problem rather letting herself be used by this guy who picks her up every 6 months and then drops her after a month. She tells me she know this is this the case but wont do anything to help herself.

 

Anyway thanks for the advice.

[Genesis]

Yes this relationship does have some red flags! You have only been dating for a couple of months and your already fighting! That is too much you should never fight in the first couple of months. I never had a fight with a mate at least until after 6 months-to a year. She is not over her ex why is she writing him and calling him so often? It just seems odd to me, most people who break up do not contact each other for some time after a break up. It sounds as if he wants his ex back and she is stroking his ego by talking with him so often. Does she talk with him more that you?

 

She may want him back too! I think that you two are rushing things. You really do not know this woman at all you have only know her for two months! You need to pace things with her , slow down. You may be more into her than she is into you. I am sure she would not want you calling your ex wife 3 times a week and e-mailing her all the time. It does not make sense to me sorry. I would keep an eye out on her, just to be sure.

[Tonk]

Thanks for the advice, sorry for the length of the reply it is very confusing. I know she is not over him as she has told me this and is very open and honest about the whole thing. The problem is we do seem to be so right together.

 

She is a very mixed up person and her ex played a big part in this i.e. getting her to leave Japan and move back to Australia go to the US etc... We have discussed wether it is better to get some distance but both think we are positive influences in our lifes and enjoy being together. The fight was not huge more of a I need some space, no anger just discussion. She thought she was doing the right thing by not keeping anything hidden and being open in front of me but I think she is hurting herself and needs to cease contact with her. her best friend has told her this also I think she is wanting me to give her some ultimatum which I told her I wont she needs to make her own decisions.

 

We are having a temporary break while she tries to find some closure on her past relationship. Its kind of weird sometimes she talks realistically you know how he played with her and sees him as he is then the next minute she is telling me she why she is attracted to him. I think one of the problems with her staying friends is she is definitely too nice to people and doesnt see the bad side of people. I can see this with her flat mates.

 

I guess I would like to think there is some future as we do have a huge connection but am very practical. One thing I would like to help her at least rebuild herself if this is all I can do thats cool, even as a friend. She has got out of shape etc... and has very low self esteem. I guess my biggest thing at the moment is the unknown ok if we split up I can deal with this but if we stay together we need to go real slow and stop being so intense but it just is intense and deep when we see each other. We have only not seen each other for 2 days in the last 2 months. It seems odd I think the thing I cant deal with is the intensity of it. Its like after one week I feel more at home with her than I have ever with anyone else and that includes my ex wife. Am very confused???

[Genesis]

I do not know what to tell you maybe she is the one or maybe she is not. Things are always perfect in the beginning of the relationship. I am sure you felt the same way when you first dated your ex wife too. It always seems as if you were meant for each other during the first year. People seem to over look things about a person when first dating. Relationships go into phases, and right now you are in the infatuation stage which ends after about 30 months they say. After that a relationship must be based on respect for one another, friendship and commitment.

 

You may just be someone to pass the time with to her. When I was getting over an ex a long time ago, it took me at least a full year and a half to get over him( 4 year relationship). She is not letting this guy go, so it only tells me that she still loves him in some way. I can understand maybe a e-mail or phone call once a month, but 3 times a week that is just the same as dating. She has to let go, when I was starting to date a guy I would stop contact with my ex because I knew that it was not good for my new relationship. I knew that my ex was not good for me and that things would not work out so I moved on. She has to know that in order for things to work out with you she needs to let go of her ex.

[Tonk]

Hi Genesis, Thanks for the reply. I hear what you are saying and I guess everyone feels this but it does seem different. It is love but it seems like we have known each other before it is very strange we seem to be on exactly the same wavelength. We have heaps in common and similar outlook in life. Alas we are both a bit of a mess at the moment and rebuilding and I think that is why we should try and stick together because I think we are helping each other.

 

As I said I am not worried about breaking up as this seems enevitable (maybe we both feel it cant work because of our pasts?) which seems strange just confused over were we are. I know she has got to let go of this guy and I honestly think she wants me to put my foot down but I dont feel this would be good as she need sto be strong in herself. I dont know maybe it will become clearer when she gets back on Wednesday. Dont understand why I am stressing so much it doesnt make sense

 

Thanks again Tonk