Worried if she's okay - or am I dumped? Do I get in touch or give her time?

[horse whisperer]

Hi - and apologies for being a first time poster asking for opinions.

 

been seeing a woman I met online for just over 2 months now and although she sometimes (admittedly) forgets to call or return texts, she normally does so the next day.

 

Haven't heard from her since Tuesday morning and I'm just worried about her. I'd rather know that she's safe and I'm dumped (if that's why she's not around), rather than hear nothing.

 

What gets me a little more worried is our last date.....

 

.....We were out on New Years Eve and late on she started talking about how she's been hurt in long term relationships in the past with trust issues etc - but that she didn't want to panic me, or scare me off.

 

Anyway, a little later we headed back to mine and slept together for the first time (which she initiated). She stayed all night and we had sex again after waking up - not the greatest, which I'm happy to claim credit for - what with first time nerves etc (not a virgin - just first time with her).

 

Then before she got up to shower, I told her I loved her. I'd known for about a couple of weeks and my view is, if you feel it - say it (unless it's within a handful of dates). She didn't say anything back, nor did I expect her to. I didn't want to tell her before we'd slept together - so that she didn't think I was saying it to get sex.

 

When she left (Tuesday AM), everything seemed normal - she said she'd call me that night to arrange when we next went out on a date. Like I said before - she normally calls at the latest the next day if she forgets or is busy.

 

I didn't hear from her, so dropped her a casual text Wednesday lunchtime; no response. Then I called her that night; she didn't pick up - but in the past she's either called back a few minutes later or the next day.

 

Anyway - now I'm worried about something happening to her and just want to know she's okay.

 

I'm also thinking she's called things off - but she seems the type of person who would be upfront and tell me if that was the case. Maybe she decided I was a rubbish shag, maybe she decided the 'I love you' thing was too much, maybe I'm just paranoid.

 

Anyway, I want to text her and say something like, if I'm dumped so be it - but let me know you're okay. But maybe there's a genuine reason why she isn't getting in touch or can't do so.

 

This girl blows my mind and if it's over then I'll get over her in time - but I want us to be a part of each other's lives.

 

Not expecting any magic answers, but I can't think of anything else and I am worried.

 

So should I text, or am I being a big girl who should give her more time?

 

Thanks in advance

[Supa_gurl]

I myself would send the text that you are indicating you want to send. But that is me, and I don't think many would agree. I guess I am over obessive like that. I would be worried to. Sorry for your troubles.

[Stambler]

Sorry H W...

 

I've been through this and it usually means youhave been dumped. Not veru considerate, but you need closure. Don't let her know you're being negative though, get rid of the part about being dumped, just say "Hey, what's going on? I'd appreciate an explanation for whatever happened..."

[ghost69]

she's moved on man. keep that L word in the pit of your stomach until she says it. and you said it after sex. sorry, but to me that sounds like what immature girls say after sex.

[horse whisperer]

Thanks for the quick advice guys; text en route - but yes I'd say it could be over - will update thread when I know.

 

I know I sound like a little girl too, but guess I'll have to learn for another time.

 

It's been difficult.

 

I'm 31 and this is the first time I've really dated.

First girlfriend was for over 4 years in School & University; then next was a few years later with another girl living together/married for 5 years (we just got together - didn't date).

 

It's been a big learning curve - and whilst daunting at times has been fun.

 

If it's over - then plenty more fish and all that (but I'll miss her).

[Zampotne]

i would say something in your text along the lines of "i don't want to be a nag, but i haven't heard from you and just want to make sure you're ok"

 

i wouldn't say anything about being dumped. because if she was just busy, and had a valid reason for not getting back to you, she'll think "wow this guy is insecure" and that never looks good

[ghost69]

i would say something in your text along the lines of "i don't want to be a nag, but i haven't heard from you and just want to make sure you're ok"

 

i wouldn't say anything about being dumped. because if she was just busy, and had a valid reason for not getting back to you, she'll think "wow this guy is insecure" and that never looks good

 

if you don't want to seem insecure, drop the part of the text about being a nag. that sounds insecure. be like 'hey haven't heard from you in a while. everything okay?' i would actually call and leave a message like this if she didn't pick up.

[Zampotne]

if you don't want to seem insecure, drop the part of the text about being a nag. that sounds insecure. be like 'hey haven't heard from you in a while. everything okay?' i would actually call and leave a message like this if she didn't pick up.

 

yeah, you're right. the nag line does sound insecure

[Dating Coach]

Hi - and apologies for being a first time poster asking for opinions.

 

Don't apologize. What have you got to apologize for? Stand up straight soldier!

 

been seeing a woman I met online for just over 2 months now and although she sometimes (admittedly) forgets to call or return texts, she normally does so the next day.

 

She doesn't "forget". Think about it. If she is giddy giddy over some guy, is wow'd by him, do you think she's going to "forget" to retrun a call or text? No. She didn't forget... returning your contact simply wasn't a high priority for her. This indicates Low Interest on her part.

 

Haven't heard from her since Tuesday morning and I'm just worried about her. I'd rather know that she's safe and I'm dumped (if that's why she's not around), rather than hear nothing.

 

She's safe. The chances of her being in danger? Next to nil. The chances of her not contacting you because she could care less? Mucho.

 

What gets me a little more worried is our last date.....

 

.....We were out on New Years Eve and late on she started talking about how she's been hurt in long term relationships in the past with trust issues etc - but that she didn't want to panic me, or scare me off.

 

A girl who is really interested in a guy isn't going to want to throw baggage at him in fear that it will chase him away. Think about it. Let's say you're dating a super attractive woman that has captured your interest big time. Are you going to unload the "Man, I've been screwed over by women my whole life and I am a headcase right now, just don't know what I want!"? No. Of course you won't.

 

There is a reason why there is a trend where when a man hears this type of line, the end is near. It's because a girl isn't likely to be throwing that kind of drama in your face if she has a High Interest Level. This girl has a Low Interest Level, which is why she is. She's prepping you with pre-emptive excuses to bail on you.

 

Anyway, a little later we headed back to mine and slept together for the first time (which she initiated). She stayed all night and we had sex again after waking up - not the greatest, which I'm happy to claim credit for - what with first time nerves etc (not a virgin - just first time with her).

 

Props to you for not hesitating but remember... sex is sex. It doesn't mean she is in love, she may have simply wanted to get it on for new years.

 

Then before she got up to shower, I told her I loved her. I'd known for about a couple of weeks and my view is, if you feel it - say it (unless it's within a handful of dates). She didn't say anything back, nor did I expect her to. I didn't want to tell her before we'd slept together - so that she didn't think I was saying it to get sex.

 

Whoah! Bad move! You only have known her 2 months! All of her actions thus far have been backing an indifferent attitude towards you which means she isn't on the same level as you! You said you even expected her not to respond which means you KNEW she wasn't as into you as you were her. Yt for some reason you felt the need to say, "Hey, I know you're attraction to me is like 5 out of 10 right now but I wanted you to know that I am at 10 out of 10."

 

Telling her you were lightyears ahead of her isn't romantic. It's pressure. You just told her you are way ahead of her. How the heck is she supposed to respond to this? How is she supposed to continue dating? Now she has to "play catch up" to you when she's not ready. Won't happen. She'll run.

 

When she left (Tuesday AM), everything seemed normal - she said she'd call me that night to arrange when we next went out on a date. Like I said before - she normally calls at the latest the next day if she forgets or is busy.

 

I didn't hear from her, so dropped her a casual text Wednesday lunchtime; no response. Then I called her that night; she didn't pick up - but in the past she's either called back a few minutes later or the next day.

 

She's running.

 

Anyway - now I'm worried about something happening to her and just want to know she's okay.

 

I'm also thinking she's called things off - but she seems the type of person who would be upfront and tell me if that was the case. Maybe she decided I was a rubbish shag, maybe she decided the 'I love you' thing was too much, maybe I'm just paranoid.

 

No, you're not paranoid. You're absolutely right. It was WAY too much. Never confess your level of feelings so soon. Wait until you've been together some time and wait until you KNOW she's on the same page.

 

Anyway, I want to text her and say something like, if I'm dumped so be it - but let me know you're okay. But maybe there's a genuine reason why she isn't getting in touch or can't do so.

 

This girl blows my mind and if it's over then I'll get over her in time - but I want us to be a part of each other's lives.

 

Not expecting any magic answers, but I can't think of anything else and I am worried.

 

So should I text, or am I being a big girl who should give her more time?

 

Thanks in advance

 

Do not text. Look man, she got your messages. It's not as if there was some magnetic energy field failure and her texts all happened to fail to process until now. She got them. She didn't respond. You went WAY TOO FAST emotionally.

 

Back off. Distance yourself. You need to do this because she's moving on. Next time, don't throw yourself at women because it will scare them off. And not physcially, physically she was fine for the good time, but emotionally... WAY too fast.

[Stambler]

^ Wow, this dude is 20 years younger than I and I am truly impressed with his handle on relationships. In all seriousness, I could learn a lot! Keep the advice coming RC!!!!

[boo121]

 

Then before she got up to shower, I told her I loved her.

 

That's like a shotgun to the foot technique.

 

When she left (Tuesday AM), everything seemed normal - she said she'd call me that night to arrange when we next went out on a date.

 

Shouldn't YOU be arranging the dates with her?

 

 

I'm also thinking she's called things off - but she seems the type of person who would be upfront and tell me if that was the case. Maybe she decided I was a rubbish shag, maybe she decided the 'I love you' thing was too much, maybe I'm just paranoid.

 

The "I love you" was too strong. your actions are suggesting to her that things are getting serious. If you ever get the feeling that she is pulling back a bit, you pull back even further. Slam the door shut (you don't need that in your life)

 

Avoid wanting her and give her a chance to miss you. That means, putting it back out there and getting back together in a few weeks, maybe couple of months. Don't play games, just show her that you are independent and can get on fine without her.

 

Date other girls, give her a call out of the blue in a few weeks and say, "hey wana meet up!?" Most guys will text and call constantly till they drive her away. Don't be one of them.

[horse whisperer]

Hi - some more good advice, thanks again all.

 

Certainly will help for future dates - just been back on the site I'm registered on - and although I've only had a quick look, then there's not much to compare to the girl it looks like I've blown things with.

 

But that's life and things will work out eventually - maybe for the better.

 

Now to go and take her off that pedestal

[horse whisperer]

Well - she never got in touch, but she just signed into the dating site, so guess that makes it official.

 

What's most frustrating is that after the hours and days we spent together she didn't even have the guts to tell me it's over - if I was in hr shoes I'd have at the very least e-mailed if I didn't want to speak - nice!

[RealBrookeI]

Well - she never got in touch, but she just signed into the dating site, so guess that makes it official.

 

What's most frustrating is that after the hours and days we spent together she didn't even have the guts to tell me it's over - if I was in hr shoes I'd have at the very least e-mailed if I didn't want to speak - nice!

 

You told her you loved her after crappy (first time) sex in her mind she probablly knew that if she told she didnt have feelings for you it would lead to you asking her for the reasons why it didnt work out.

 

Did I mess up when I said I love you?

Did I mess up because I wasnt any good in bed?

What can I do to keep you because I Love you and its only been two months?

 

Yeah, I am sure you would have liked for her to respond so that you could have had a discussion about it but she didnt want to talk about it.

[Stambler]

This is very typical of on-line dating. It's easy for people you hook up with to just "disappear" becasue you really don't have the same circle of friends, family, co-workers...they know they will never see you again.

 

I know a therapist who says he listens to on-line dating sagas all week long from his clients. I'm sure someone is writing a book about this.

[RealBrookeI]

This is very typical of on-line dating. It's easy for people you hook up with to just "disappear" becasue you really don't have the same circle of friends, family, co-workers...they know they will never see you again.

 

I know a therapist who says he listens to on-line dating sagas all week long from his clients. I'm sure someone is writing a book about this.

 

Yeah I am sure its tough for both, one person looking for someone to fill lonelieness and another person discovering that they would rather be alone than make contact with the other person again

[horse whisperer]

What's interesting is that today is the first time I've signed onto the dating sites for about 2 months - and so many of the people who were there then are still around on the hunt.

 

Well, I fired away a fair few e-mails to some interesting girls - so we'll see how that goes. 1 reply so far, but early days yet.