Realizing my faults too late....

[gunpoint6]

I broke up with my gf of 2 years on November 2nd. She seemed depressed towards the last 2 motnhs and there was nothing I can do. In October she seemed distant, not kissing or hugging, holding hands. Immediately I thought there was someone else but this was not the case. I asked her if she wanted to breakup with me because and was afraid, I told her I did not want to but I can't let her be miserable. She said it was best for her to find herself, takecare of school work and her life. We hung out a few times after and were actually more close until the beginning of December then nothing for 3 weeks. I found out she was seeing someone, I broke down called her and said I could not see or contact her anymore she said she understood. After the new years I was more hurt knowing that I would never have contact with such a great person I called her last night. We had a 2 hour conversation and she said she would always be there to listen to me. I analyzed the relationship and the reason we broke up. In August I debated being single, the stupid fear of breaking up few years from now and feeling older and have lost a chance to enjoy the young singe life (she is turning 21 I am 25). I debated leaving her but then loved her uncondiontally at the same time. This resulted in me causing arguments over nothing, being very defensive, breaking plans and overall pushing her away. She wrote me a letter saying I need to fix this and I cried told her I would. I didnt fix it completely because in a way I felt she would never leave me (stupid). It came to the point she shut down her feelings and fell out of love with me in October. I lost all caring and compasion from her. After the breakup is when I realized all my mistakes and how my uncerntainity of what I wanted caused me to push her away and give someone else a chance to have this wonderful girl. In 2 years she has never done me wrong and was perfect in every way. We spoke about all of this on the phone and obviosuly I knew I was making myself sound weak to her. I told her I would do anything for another chance although I know I no longer have that privelege. She said she does not want to be in a relationship at all that I stressed and burned her out. She said to call her if I ever feel stressed or down and that we can hang out every once in awhile but not too much so we dont get attached. Its so hard talking to someone who is no longer in love because I was too stubborn to realize what I wanted. I know I should think we will not get back together and move on. Personally I feel its impossible that we will ever get back together even years from now because she will always think of me as the person I was in the end of the relationship and not who I was during the good times. I plan to only call her on her bday in 2 weeks and then leave it be. I plan to try to accept that my indeciveness caused me to lose this great girl and also caused her to dislike me in ways. I don't think she will call me or come back. I have truly learned my lesson and I am paying for it with the worlds worst punishment. I can't get her out of my head and how i could have done things right and how she will find what I could have gave her but didnt from someone else. Any insight will be greatly apprecaited. Thanks - Phil

[jettison]

This is a complex topic that can be made much simpler if you remember a few key points.

 

- In situations like these where you were dumped, the other person will care about as much as you don't. The more that you show you care, the less she'll feel like caring. This does not mean that you need to cut off all contact. It does mean that you need to be very calm, unassuming, and unemotional about your contact.

 

- You are at a huuuge emotional disadvantage right now, and you both know it. The only way to even that is to distance yourself from her and also date someone else. She feels uncomfortable around you because she knows just how much you want and need her, but she doesn't want nor need you right now. That has to be fixed.

[gunpoint6]

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. i agree she knows she now has the power over me that I once abused that I had over her. If I ever believe there is still hope I need to move on and if she misses me she will come back otherwise she will move on. Relationships do not work when one person is weaker then the other. She was weak in the beginning felt I wouldn't stay with her because I was so much older and she couldnt go out everywhere not being 21 but now she can and with my faults the roles reversed and I am the weak one. I need to let the idea that I want her back fade and just live my life if I ever want a chance at it again otherwise I will remove any chances if I keep bothering her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

First of all I noticed the screen name you chose and I hope this is not a sign that you are so down that you will do something rash.

 

There is nothing you can do about this situation. She now knows that you regret what you have done so the onus is on her if she ever wants to get back together with you. You need to move on with your life and learn from the mistakes you made. She is only 21 so I can pretty much guess that at some point she would have wanted to date other people anyway...that seems to be the way of the world now for both men and women...wanting to sow their oats before settling down. You never know in a few years from now if you will re-connect. Maybe yes, maybe no...but time does work miracles on people and they grow, learn and lose the anger and bitterness. But you have to live in the here and now...not some future scenario. Realize where you went wrong in this relationship and then vow to do better next time. Yes, call her on her birthday and keep it short..this way you show that there are no hard feelings and that you are now in control of yourself. Then just move forward with your life.

[gunpoint6]

THanks - this screename is something I've been using since I was young just easy to remember. My other question is that we are both on a volleyball team every Friday for an hour. if I don't play I screw the team over but I will have to see her once a week while we play. I do like to play but I don't know how I will react when I see her because I know I will be so emotional inside and so happy to see her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just be friendly to her on an as needed basis and act like nothing is wrong. Just focus on the game.

[gunpoint6]

thanks a lot for this advice - it is really helping me get through the day