How to deal with best friend flirting with fiance

[cody41]

Hi there..

I have a bit of a problem..

 

My best friend (well very close friend) of mine we work together and were friends before.. mostly party friends, but we've known each other 5-6 years and recently became very close friends because of working together.

 

She is single.. a VERY flirty woman... dresses to be noticed, funky hair, very high maintenance, very attention seeking in looks and personality.. she is the type of woman that flirts with every man around, regardless of them being married, etc.

 

She is not extremely beautiful... mostly just has the body and the attention seeking image..

I on the other hand, am more reserved, quiet confident type... I'm very tall & thin, more of a classy look.. Been told I resemble Shania Twain or Jessica Biel.

I'm the most non attention seeking person as far as personality goes.

 

When I take my best friend out with my fiance, she is constantly flirting with him right in front of me!

Even if he brings us a drink, she will quickly wrap her arms around him and give a big hug and do the "awwwwwwwwwwwww you're sooooo sweet!!!" type of dramatic response..

On New Years Eve, she said out loud she wants her midnight kiss from him, RIGHT in front of me..

 

And god knows what else she says when I leave to go to the bathroom.

 

My fiance seems a bit uncomfortable when she does things like this, but he'll never say anything..

He can't seem to take his eyes off her.... like when she is dancing around acting stupid or talking to guys, he is constantly watching or just has a smile on his face...

It furiates me!!! Not for how she is, but HOW she makes my fiance notice her so much to the point that I almost feel ignored...

 

Like I feel a guy could come up to me and grab me and my fiance would be too busy noticing my friend to even notice what is going on with me.

 

What can I say... or who should I say something to???

[darkpumpkin]

I would treat this situation one of two ways. Talk to your friend and tell her to back off a bit when it comes to your fiance, it does not matter how flirty someone's personality is they can regin it in. If she doesn't understand or become angry solve the issue. Don't allow the two of them to hang out. Sounds extreme but it's not right if she is your true friend. Talk first, action after.

[backagain]

ok....here goes nothing....

 

in my opinion, when two people are in an exclusive relationship (BYW i never understood the point of open relationships), it is within BOTH parties responsibilities and duty to make sure a member of the opposite sex does NOT cross the boundaries! i've always felt extremely strongly about this!!

 

both parties in a relationship needs to protect the relationship as 1....thereforeeee in your case, i believe you have the right to express your concern CALMLY to ur SO, and let him know he should not tolerate your "best friend's" behavior.

 

and this business about kissing your SO right infront of you??? woman!! put ur foot down!! you shoulda said something!! even if its in a joking way!! if you keep up with the silence, your "best friend" will do it more and more!

 

its one thing to be reserved and classy...its another to be ran over by obnoxious behavior.

 

it sounds like you guys are in your late twenties...i personally would expect more in a "best friend" than your currernt one....she sounds kinda immature and self-destructive (no offense).

[cody41]

Oh I know!! I did say something when she said she wants her midnight kiss! I said "LIKE HELL you are!!!!" and just looked at her.. and she said nothing.

 

But then after wards, she still made some comment to my fiance in front of me and the guy she was dating.. And I said out loud "If you keep flirting with my fiance I am going to make out with **** right now in front of you both!"

She said nothing, she was silent... But my fiance piped in "NOT A CHANCE you are!!"

 

And then the rest of the night she still kept up with her crap.. hugging my fiance.. and I'm not sure what she said while I went to the washroom, but she was showing him something on her phone..

I think she was bragging about her ex (that used to beat her) that wants her back... but I'm not sure.. I should ask my fiance what she said.

 

Anyways, is there anything I should say to my fiance?

I don't want to start a fight with him....... I don't think it's his job to say anything to her... but I'm not sure.

 

It's a tough one.. I KNOW she is being way out of line.... she is like this with ALL MEN.. but I get the impression she steps it up with my fiance because she knows he treats me like gold.. she's jealous..

And she's one of those women that wants to know ALL MEN want her.. regardless of married or not.. she wants to know she can have them.

[cody41]

And yes I am 26.... my "friend" is turning 30.. and my fiance is 32.

[girl_83]

she's one of those women that wants to know ALL MEN want her.. regardless of married or not.. she wants to know she can have them.

 

This girl sounds like shes playing with fire. One day she will flirt with the wrong guy and she will most likely end up getting punched right in the face by the mrs.

 

If i was in your position, i would try to limit my friend from hanging out with my fiance. If she startes asking why you dont invite her with yous anymore just tell her the truth. If your fiance asks tell him you dont like seeing other woman flirting with your man.. expecially when that other woman is your friend.

 

I cant stand woman who act like that, God help any female that ever tries that with my fiance

[free2Bme]

Talk to her seriously about it, rather than making comments while you're out and other people are around.

 

If it were me and she carried on after I told her how much it was hurting me, she would be a friend of mine no longer!

[pinkelephant]

sounds like a good friend of mine. she needs to know that ALL men want her, she needs to know that she can have them. i have no idea why she has such a strong need, but what i did was just keep them separate.

 

she doesn't hang out with me when he was with me. i couldn't bring it up with her, i figured it would cause a fight because a person like that is an extremely insecure person - egos will be hurt and i dont want to be the one to hurt her.

 

im not sure how to approach your fiance though, i think to just tell him that you're bothered. and see if you guys can talk about it a bit so you can feel reassured.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if she is like this with ALL men, she is not going to change her personality. When someone acts like this, it is also hard to tell whether they are just over the top flirts, or they are specifically trying to entice your fiance.

 

personally, i wouldn't have such a person as my best friend, but mainly because i would find her annoying in general if she acted like this all the time. Is she Paris Hilton by any chance??

 

really, it sounds like you've outgrown her, and she's overstepped her boundaries as a friend when it comes to your fiance. your fiance doesn't sound like he is encouraging her, so talking to him won't solve anything.

 

i just suggest you widen your circle of friends, have a talk with her, see if she stops it with him. if she doesn't, you might want to reduce your contact with her and find some more mature friends. at a minimum, it sounds like she makes outings with her unpleasant if you are having to listen to her nonsense and 'defend' your fiance from him. who needs that?

[cody41]

I agree..well #1 I am reducing contact with her coming out with us.. She is generally annoying most of them time anyway, so I prefer dealing with her on a 1 on 1 basis..

I never brought her out with us much anyway, but this episode on New Years just confirms why I don't.

 

Funny you mention the Paris Hilton comment, because on New Years the guy she was dating arranged everything at this bar, and we went and it turned out to be a flop.... She made the biggest scene imaginable.. swearing, yelling, tantrum like a 12 year old and dumped him right there on the spot.

This guy has been nothing but sweet to her.. he got called everyname in the book and she told him its over and bring her back to his place to get her * * * * .

My fiance and I were driving all of us, so we got stuck with her and had to leave.

 

She was incredibly annoying that night, on top of being a super skank flirting with my man...

 

I have outgrown her......... I work with her and that's it, I am limiting my time outside work that I spend with her.

 

If she ever is near my fiance again and makes ANY comments I am going to tell her right where to go..

 

This woman is so high maintenence in attitude and everything... it's no wonder she is 30 and still single.

Every guy she's dated has cheated on her.

This poor guy now, he is so nice he's a walking doormat for her.

 

Nothing is good enough, not even him taking her to the Bahamas and buying her Tiffany jewellery.. I was disgusted how she treated him in front of all of us... All because the club wasn't what she expected and there was no coat check for her $500 coat.

Un real...

[cody41]

The worse part is that my fiance doesn't say much though... All he said was it was funny how angry she got at the club..

And I said it wasn't funnY!! She was being a B***H and I can't imagine any guy putting up with her diva attitude.

My fiance didn't really seem to care and bought us both a drink and just acted normal.

Which ok, I understand... but I told him DO NOT condone her behavior... if you laugh or act like you think it's amusing she will keep doing it! I told her to calm the F down, and she was being a princess and last time I checked she wasn't a celebrity..

But my fiance thinks it's funny.. and I told him if he keeps condoning it, I am going to become that way just for fun and show him how funny it really is..

Immature I know.. but it annoys me! I'm 26 and I shouldn't be telling my 30 yr old friend and 32 year old fiance what being immature is and ignorant she's being.

[Siriana]

Stop Being Friends With Her.

She's a b****

No talking with her. Just dump her as a firend.

if she asks why you can always say I didn't like the way you were flirting with my bf with no shame.

and tell to your bf how you don't appreciate (in case he does that) the way he didn't discourage her.

[ghost69]

all of my friends know not to hit on our gfs/fiancees/wives. you just don't do it. who cares about the personality. it's just something set in stone that we don't do. you need to tell this girl to back up.

[eric_]

you should also have a talk with your fiance. it's one thing for her to flirt with him like that... but it's also wrong if he actually allows it. if she doesn't stop it, he has to show her that she has to stop.

 

if i would have been in your fiances situation and your friend told me that she wants to have a midnight kiss from me, i would have said something like "why on earth would i give you a kiss? hello? i have this beautiful fiance her. she is the only one i'm going to kiss'.

[ghost69]

you should also have a talk with your fiance. it's one thing for her to flirt with him like that... but it's also wrong if he actually allows it. if she doesn't stop it, he has to show her that she has to stop.

 

if i would have been in your fiances situation and your friend told me that she wants to have a midnight kiss from me, i would have said something like "why on earth would i give you a kiss? hello? i have this beautiful fiance her. she is the only one i'm going to kiss'.

 

he might be naive to it as he is in love with the OP. i know girls that can't tell when a guy is hitting on them. it goes both ways. some people are oblivious when they are in a relationship.

[eric_]

if she would hit on him in a subtle way. but asking for a kiss.. that's pretty direct... and if he really doesn't realize that she is hitting on him, the op should tell him and make sure that he also sets her 'friend' straight.

[flower99]

Stop Being Friends With Her.

She's a b****

No talking with her. Just dump her as a firend.

if she asks why you can always say I didn't like the way you were flirting with my bf with no shame.

and tell to your bf how you don't appreciate (in case he does that) the way he didn't discourage her.

 

I agree.

Personally, I think she sounds like a crappy friend. What kind of friend thinks it's okay to ask for a kiss from thier friends fiancee??? like seriously....is she trying to wreck the relationship???

Personally I just wouldn't want to be close friends with someone who does not respect my relationship or me. And yeah I'd mention something to your finacee too. But really this is your friend & what she's doing is just wrong. You probably can't change her, so just stop being around her so much.

 

Honestly Do you really enjoy you're time with her???? cause it doesn't sound like you do. I had a friend like this, I enjoyed time alone with her...most the time, but I didn't enjoy having her around my friends, my husband or my son....when the night was over I'd generally be mad or irriated at her due to something (usually many things) she did or said.....much like you are now. and I began to wonder why am I putting myself through this?

 

After some re-eveluating I realized, we didn't have much of a friendship. She crossed the line too many times and broke any trust I had in her & I didn't respect her because of the kind of person she was. without trust & respect what kind of friendship is it?

So since than I've dropped the friendship, occasionally i miss our good times, but than I just remember all the not good times. And why I choose not to remaind friends with her. I'm glad I've cut that frienship.

[ghost69]

if she would hit on him in a subtle way. but asking for a kiss.. that's pretty direct... and if he really doesn't realize that she is hitting on him, the op should tell him and make sure that he also sets her 'friend' straight.

 

100% true. the kiss was pretty bold. i'm just saying some people are oblivious. but even here he might think it was a joke and not read into it as being flirtation.

[cody41]

Thanks for the advice...!

 

I already told my fiance I was going to have a talk with her about that night... not only for her diva attitude and wrecking all of our New Years Eve, but also for her flirting... At first even though it angered me, I took it a bit lighly because I know how she is... She will flirt with any man as long as he has a pulse.. so I didn't take it too seriously. However, I definitely think she crossed the line that night with her kissing comment and a few other things, that now I don't even want her out with us anymore.

 

This girl has no close friends... All her girl friends (including two of our other best mutal girl friends) all dislike her and don't speak to her anymore.

It's come to the point that my own boss has even told me she really likes me and doesn't want to see me "labelled" like her because we are friends and I associate with her... She thinks this girl makes me look bad because of her "type"..

 

I will keep this friend at arm's length... she really does not offer me much as friend from what I've seen anyway...She is one of those high maintenence types that not only does she ask her "men" to do everything for her, she'll even ask her friends! You do one favor for her, and it's now your full time job to please her.

 

Anyways.. If she ever does this again (flirting with my fiance) I will give it to her and tell her to never speak to me again.

But as of now, she's no longer invited out with me and my fiance. I will deal with her on a 1 on 1 basis.... and concentrate my time on other girl friends out there.

It's sad because the older I have gotten, I've seen so many so called "friends" disappoint me..... It seems being a nice person and respecting and caring for your friends goes un noticed... So many women will backstab you in a heart beat.

One of the major reasons I am engaged and haven't even considered a wedding date..... I don't know who my maid of honor will be

My last best friend of 12 years I learnt was a back stabber too... she's no longer in my life either.

[AmIafool]

Your decision to keep her separate from your fiance is wise. It is probably also better to just not be friends with her. I've been friends with women who absolutely must get every man to notice them, and they find ways to do it like being flirtatious or doing other more subtle things. You're left wondering why SO many guys are hung up on this particular woman when there isn't anything exceptional about her. It took me until my thirties to figure out why a particular friend in college had almost every 18 - 22 year old guy within a 10 mile radius completely infatuated with her. My brother's roommate at the time put it succinctly: "she's that girl that everyone just wants to do."

 

Needless to say, pretty much all the guys I was into were into her.

 

I have to give you credit for having as much tolerance with your friend as you did, considering her over the top flirting with your fiance. I would have kept them apart socially much, much sooner. I've had something happen recently with my best friend of 18 years that has made me wonder about her a bit. I introduced her to my new boyfriend over the summer. We met up at her sister's house and went out to chill by the pool. Next thing I know, she's talking about herself in lingerie. Now this topic would never come up if the two of us were alone. Then I recall she's told me in the past about a friend's husband or boyfriend who blatantly hit on her. Well, no wonder! The next time we all met, during thanksgiving break, she was telling my bf how she likes to give massages. This after he'd complained about a pain in his back. Now I'm very anxious for her to be around him.

 

So back to your issue - it's good to keep your distance from her, and definitely keep her away from your fiance. Not that he'll fall for her, but her behavior will continue to get worse and it's completely disrespectful to you. The above mentioned college friend met my ex-boyfriend and at the time pulled some stuff on him. Luckily he saw through her and refused to hang out with her again. He realized how messed up it was for my close friend to be hitting on my bf, and while I was in the next room! Your fiance should stand by you more on this issue. He shouldn't tolerate that type of behavior from another woman, especially one who is your friend.

[m12988]

sounds like they're both kinda betraying you, she is flirting with your man, he is taking it in or at least looks like it. I'd say dump the friend and have a serious talk with your fiance about his behavior.

[Wedgewood]

Cody, I was in the same exact position. Best friend single and looking, and she was way too touchy and flirtatious with my husband. I knew that if I told her to back off our friendship would be ruined, and he was bewildered himself-I think he was kind of clueless. I did not want to sound like a jealous freak to him or to her, so I just stopped inviting her to things that he would be there, and started to see her one on one or just going out with the "girls". Women who do this are competing with their GF's. I see her analyzing my clothes and everything about me because she is jealous. Other than that she is smart and I enjoy talking to her, so I decided not to cut her off completely. Unfortunately there are occasions where she gets invited to the same parties that we go, but I keep an eye on her. She used to hug him all the time and smile extremely flirtatious. I also gave her some comments about how awful women who do that are. Most of my women friends are respectful of my husband. I think it is necessary to protect your marriage. Mary Jo Eustace and Jennifer Aniston lost their husbands because they were sooo liberal, so open minded. Mary Jo even encouraged her husband to befriend Tory Spelling. You do NOT want your husband to be chummy with a single attractive woman, period. Some women wisely keep their single (and desperate) GF's away from their husbands/BF's, unless they are plain or very respectful.

 

So keep her away. if she asks why, tell her why finally. Maybe she should learn it is not ok to do that.

[Gath]

Hi there..

I have a bit of a problem..

 

What can I say... or who should I say something to???

 

She's your friend, your fiance won't be around her if you don't bring her around. In all probability he just puts up with her (and smiles cuz he thinks she's so silly and ditzy) just because she's your friend. I've put up with SO's incredibly irritating friends in the past to make them happy. Its just something ya gotta do when you're in a relationship. Although I'll usually be a little bit more verbal in my requests for certain people to not be around me.

 

As long as he's not flirting back,its on you to tell her to back off from your guy. She's your friend, you're the one bringing her around knowing she acts this way. Tell her to back off, or stop hanging out with her with your fiance around.